I am going to give the background of our story as short and as sweet as possible.

We were married for 1 year and were very good together. DH deployed to Iraq and saw much action, feared for his life a lot, and killed insurgents during his tour. We talked on the phone almost everyday and were extremely close. When he came home we were so happy but our fights were HORRIBLE but they didn't happen too often. Things got progressively worse and as soon as we started building our first house - things got out of control, probably started around August/September 2007 we figured out. DH has just realized in the last month or so that he has PTSD. He walks around angry in his mind, but he only has the outbursts either alone or with me. He is the kindest, sweetest, most perfect man I have ever met and we love eachother more than words could say. I have problems that stem from my childhood (PTSD? I'm not sure) and so I do not react properly to DH's outbursts and it is a very bad circle of hate. We really feel like we hate eachother in the midst of a fight, but we care for eachother more than anyone else. It is truly a sad situation.

I am confused about many things. Some of you sufferer's may be able to help me understand things so I posted over here instead of the carer's side. I feel like he is two people. There is an exact moment where he snaps into this other character. There is no getting inside him, it's like a metal casing closes around him while he is in a rage. I can not find the nice man I know. I try to do anything I can to make him snap back into the tender man I love, and those prove to have the opposite effect (I have much to learn on how to react, I do know this). Then there is an exact moment again where he snaps back to the guy I know. Is this common among PTSD sufferers. Do any of you feel like you are two people or is this something else we are dealing with?

He has an appt on Wed for a counselor at the VetCenter. I am hoping that that will be an assessment of the situation and they can tell us what we need to do from there. But Saturday to Wednesday is a long time. We decided we need to be separated right now, so he is living in the spare bedroom. We can talk rationally about this when not in the heat of the moment and are the best of friends when not fighting. But I am so afraid of the rage that we have to avoid eachother until the help has started and we have more direction. I bought a few books that we can start with. Are these the right things to do? What should we do in the meantime? I know to try and be understanding, but it is hard for me when I am being attacked and am dealing with my own issues.

It is so sad, because we love eachother very much and want this to work. We are breaking our own hearts.

Sorry its so long! Any thoughts would be helpful, whether you are a sufferer and can offer your experience or a carer who can give advice on what the best way to cope for the time being is. TIA

First off there is a Carer group for you. Second, there should be a group for you for those who are married to vets with PTSD.

Yes, it is common for PTSD victims to snip in and out although not necessary. He may be disassociating, which might explain why he seems so different.

Second, when he disassociates you have to know that you are not with the man you know, eh. He is like living in the fear of death, he's in a different place and trying to get in their will just make it worse as you have found out. Quick advice, don't say anything if you can. Just go on with what you are doing and let him come out of it. Especially, don't try and make him come out of it, no no no. He will come out of it when he feels safe.

Third, certainly, additional stress like building a house which has wrecked more marriages than anything probably . . . but that just brought things to a head sooner.

Four, as the one with PTSD in my marriage, with a real irritable side, you have to be real careful about how you approach your husband. It's not fair I know but just a fact. You have to learn what his buttons are, and how not to push them.

Fifth, different bedroom. Sure, why not. You still love each other. Therapist told me once of a GI vet who could only sleep in a tent in the back yard. I myself have my place that I am in total control of. Only those I admit can come in. The instant I get that way, I tell them to leave or all hell breaks loose. Hey, I don't like doing it, but like your husband, if I snap I go from being mr. nice guy understanding, tell me your problems, to monster mother****er, i'm going to ****ing rip someones lungs out and piss on their heart. Course when I calm down I am absolutely horrified at what I've said and done. Damn PTSD.

Anyway, counseling for him and you, stay away when he snaps, let him come out of it, learn his buttons, try and keep stress down. I know this sounds all him, him, him. But he caught an illness called PTSD cause he went to fight for his country. Didn't want it. Didn't ask for it. He's out of control when he's snapped.

Let us know what happens.

Welcome to the forum, lovely to have you. Well done for asking the opinion of the sufferers, I have always found their advice very useful. Do check out the Carers sections as well however; you are most welcome there always. Oh, and I will answer you myself later on, I simply haven't the time at the moment however I did wish to welcome you.

Doug, upon this forum we do not make distinctions regarding how people have acquired PTSD, so you will never see a category or group specifically for spouses of veterans. You may have noticed that upon this forum, there are no categories for different types of trauma, i.e., combat, rape, and so on. There is an important reason for this. To use myself as an example, I have derived just as much support and understanding from non-military individuals as I have from those with military experience. When it boils down to it, it matters not how we or our loved ones acquired PTSD.

Sorry, guess I wasn't clear. I was talking about perhaps her local vet counseling center. My wife went to a spouses of vets group for a couple of years. Sorry for the misunderstanding, eh.

Best to ya.

Ah OK, that was my mistake Doug, I read wrong! Certainly a support group is a good idea. Hopefully one exists in idono's area.