After all this time
To believe in Jesus
After all those drugs
I thought I was Him
After all my lying
And a-crying
And my suffering
I ain't good enough
I ain't clean enough
To be Him

"The Sound of Sinners", The Clash

I was molested as a little girl by an uncle, 2 male cousins, and a female cousin from about the age of 6 until 9 - separate events, but the same outcome.
I was also verbally and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was in the USAF and away most of the time. Even when he was home with the family, Mom was the dominant one. My mother died when I was 20, but I continue to sabotage myself with her messages. I was glad when she died; there are times when I feel like I didn't have one. My father, well, I love him, but he and I are distant. He has End-Stage Renal disease and I can't help but worry about him quite a bit.

Officially, I began manifesting the symptoms of PTSD after Memorial Day this year. Over the holiday, I attended a family picnic and came face-to-face with one of the bastards who abused me. Imagine my surprise.

However, when I think back, it could have started much earlier than that. I began having problems with Depression at 11yo and by the time I was 13 I was suicidal and I spent my adolescent years attempting to off myself. At 20yo, I snapped out of it...the suicidal tendencies, that is. I still don't have much of a will to live. There are times when I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
And yes, I take medication - Cymbalta - which treats me biologically, but emotions are another story.

I took myself to the local behavioral health center on 7/20/06 for an evaluation as the fallout from what happened over Memorial Day began really affecting my behavior, work, etc. There I was diagnosed with PTSD with "anxiety issues". I hate crowds, I don't like being around other people very much...I'm just not a big fan of people in general. Even before everything, I was a pretty self-contained, lonesome child who was very sensitive (I'm still highly sensitive). Now I'm a self-contained adult. I startle very easily, and I hate being tickled. I don't mind contact, but only with people I know very well.

I feel generally worthless and, well, defiled. I don't feel clean. It's not an obsession (I don't bathe 15 times a day or constantly wash my hands or anything) but it's a general feeling. I don't feel like the world is safe and I'm hypervigilant. I don't trust very easily, and I hate showing anything that's going on in my head. I feel disconnected at times and I am quite avoidant.

That's all I have to say for now.

Welcome to the forum, Tabitha. You've found a place where you're understood; most of us have been through things similar to you.

Stick around and (I think) you'll find this place is an easy one to visit. Rant, rave, scream, kick, yell, get angry, let it out...we're all here for you!

Hello Tabitha

It's nice to meet you. I hear you about growing with it, the self dout and solitude and trust stuff. It's hard in adolesance let alone having PTSD missing with you. There is a lot of good info here and some very understanding, noligable people to( I'm still a rookie at figuring this out )
But anyway nice to meet you.

Welcome Tabitha. We are glad to have you. You are one tough lady and I congratulate you on being as well as you are. Keep going, keep fighting, and fill yourself with knowledge and tools to fight. You can do it.

Hi Tabitha, welcome to the forum :)

Hi Tabitha!
Boy am I glad to see you here

Hi Tabitha,

We appear to have a couple of things in common, I can relate to being very easily startled and hypervigilant... it's very debilitating for me at times, is it the same for you?

I'm new to the forum as well. I'm glad I found your thread....

Take care

Merlin

Welcome Tabitha... very pleased to have your here and talking.

Hi Tabitha and welcome!

Hi Tabitha! The sensations and self-image you describe at the end are bewildering until you realise other people get it too. You'll feel perfectly normal here! I hope the forums can help you like they have the rest of us.