Hi, this is kind odd hard to explain but here goes. I will try to do it as quick as possible.
My soul mate and true love, as I believe it to be, has pstd. He’s such a beautiful, strong character, but every now and then he slips into deep bouts of anger and frustration. He calls them trances, bad trips. His situation has come from childhood abuse. And a beating in his teens, where he was bashed leaving his back in a constant state of pain.

He’s never actually talked to me about the abuse, at one stage he was writing about it and I read some stuff. I don’t think he does this anymore. He has tried to explain where his head is at, but for some reason longs to discuss things with me or more so, he likes to listen to my insight. Then at other times, he becomes obsessed with my advice. I am a very strong character, and sometimes as resonating as my words can be, they seem to be a double edged sword due to his hyper emotional sensitivity.

This is not one of these times. He is not here, he is overseas, we have been apart for some time, after a long period of complete separation and no contact. We are due to meet up again in a few months. I sometimes become so frustrated that my heart physically aches. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t think anything I could say is fair or right. I’m not a therapist and I have no idea what he is going through. All I know is that I would wake up and try to nurse him out of these trance-like nightmares. Or wake up to him smiling over me, with insomnia. He describes himself as introverted, perhaps he’s a social introvert I don’t know. But he stays in himself more than I think is healthy.

Intuitively, I know I can help him, with physical love. At this very moment he feels helpless and is texting me, he won’t go to a phone. He’s texting me that he has fallen off the wagon (the sanity wagon). And later I find out he has been on a three day self pity party. He says he feels helpless to not press his self destruct button, and then he just goes off on his own, drinks himself sober and I don’t know, I guess passes out. I have done a lot of research into all of this since I discovered what his problems were. Albeit too late, we had already gone our separate ways in one of the most hollywood of dramatic break ups you could have imagined. In any case, I am still very much in love with him and have been in contact with him on a daily basis for some time. He’s been fine, until a few days ago. So what do I do? I mean, I’m not about to ever give in on him. And I’m the only one he trusts in the whole world, he says. I love him so much, and I know now how to protect myself, so he’s no strain. He just breaks my heart every time he breaks his own. If anything he lightens my world, so deep is my connection with him.

But I can’t handle being shut out. It’s like he’s letting me in, but only a bit, like he wants to talk, but doesnt know how I can help, or maybe the prospect of explaining how he feels is just too exhausting. He won’t speak to me the past few days. He just sends long texts explaining he’s on some bender, wasting himself, trying to work his head out. They are heavy texts, calling himself evil and that he will call when the storm is over. But its now 4 days. And he is still texting me every 4 hours or so. I just don’t get how he doesn’t get that he can’t do it alone any more. I don’t know what he is in. How can I help him? What can I say? Is he in denial? I really would like some feedback on this. Its only going to happen over and over until his faces his demons. How can I tell him that? Who am I to tell him that? I need to know if we can work it out. I am a very passionate, intuitive, deeply feeling person, I don’t think I could handle a life of sporadic shut outs and melt downs that I have no way of addressing and soothing.

Update. You could write a novel with the amount of words I've texted him in the past 48 hours. My texts were imploring him to understand that I can help him carry this load that is wearing him thin, that he can't do this alone anymore. That I can help him get through this until such a time that he can get help professionally. (He’s on the move, working hard saving to immigrate to Australia, which will commence in four months, so realistically counselling is only going to disrupt that and I think he’s going to need a lot of it. He seems open to it when we are finally re-united and he’s settled).

He replied to every text. But told me he was too messed up to physically speak, that he was self medicating, that he trapped himself inside for four days and that it was his mistake so therefore he cannot accept my help to fix it. I told him off after that (haha, how do you actually tell someone off in a text? I managed, he knows my dry wit only too well), in a backhanded way, I just basically told him, its not his fault, and if he doesn’t like help fixing his own mistakes then what hope is there for us? I’m certainly not perfect. Then I just went on to say how I was never going to give up on him and I will always be there for him, that he is lucky to have me, haha etc.
We have had all these serious texts, but I feel like it’s important to try and make him laugh, with my dodgy droll humour.


I told I received a bunch of texts last night and this morning thanking me for helping him and apologising for resisting my help. And then today, he says everything I have said is registering. And that he would really like to speak on the phone with me tonight, he called it a counselling session. He also said that since I came back into his life, he has been happier, stronger and more hopeful, things have been getting better. The day before all this happened, Valentines day, he told me that for the first time for as long as he could remember he woke up without any nightmares. This is going to sound weird but we both think we have a bit of a psychic connection to each other. Many reasons for this that I won’t go into now.

What do I do know?
What do I ask him?
How can I help?

I want to know how to help him from letting these anxiety fits completely take over. He needs to reach his goal, which is getting to Australia. So he needs to stay focussed and while he needs counselling, like I said, he also needs to be in a safe permanent place for that. Do you agree? Opinions gratefully accepted.
So how do I help him through the next 6 to 9 months before he gets settled in Australia?
So can we somehow get through this with less pain than he is sporadically inflicting on himself now?

I have told him he has a whole bunch of emotional toxins that need to be purged. He knows exactly what Pstd is, but for some reason, I think discussing it that way will make him feel more normal, curable, more hope. I think the term PSTD causes more anxiety for him.
So I told him he has these toxins that need to be purged. That his mind is fit and strong (and yes it really is) but it’s been programmed to fight the wrong battle. It’s been programmed to fight himself. – No wonder he’s exhausted.
I told him that he needs reprogramming, reconditioning, but the first step is trying to somehow, someway, give himself some positive mantras. To somehow start to believe in himself, and the strength of his nature. This man/boy has been through hell and back, yet he is peaceful and loving – until he gets in a trance. But even then, he internalises the anger, he is careful to never takes it out on anyone like me. Though I know he thinks some pretty bad stuff. I would have though everyone does with this illness? When they are in these rages?

He told me that thinking about me helps. But then he said it’s frustrating to have me say he’s always in my mind. I told him he only feels that way because it feels good, having me love him, but he doesn’t feel like he deserves that.

I think a lot of the initial problem is his feeling like he has to do this alone. It’s like, he has PTSD, but a whole bunch of other stuff on top, more depression, anxiety and severe loneliness. A loneliness he is used to, and this self hate thing. We all have low self esteem at times, and he is telling me this is all self hate, so at least he is recognising it all.
Because that is the way it’s always been for him. He’s only 24, yet such an exhausted soul.
He says I give him hope and he is working on believing we can work through it and get there, eventually. He says he feels that seeing me again will make a lot of it better. If that gets him through, then great, but I’m hoping he doesn’t think I can fix anything, I can help, but I can’t fix.

I know that was long. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I just wanted to explain it all in case someone might be able to help, or it may help someone else. There seems to be some amazing spirits on this website. I feel blessed to have found it.

Hi Samsara,

Sorry to sound negative, but I believe that the worse is yet to come. When he does actually get help and start the therapy, all his demons will unleash tenfold, the shut downs and negativity will be more intense, and things will get tougher for you both. It will be helpful for you to prepare for this.

There is so much information and support here. You're definitely not alone in your situation.

Good luck,

nyc

Welcome to the forum....

Hi Samsara, welcome to the forum.

Has he tried CBT or REBT therapy? The therapy works on addressing these kinds of issues, including irrational beliefs such as being evil.

Hope you find the wisdom you're looking for.

Samsara,

Your situation is so similar to my wife's that I really thought she had posted this. I am the one with PTSD, and she is in your spot exactly. I am only beginning my therapy, so I can identify very strongly with where your partner is.

I can tell you that I also feel flawed, broken, evil, whatever, that I trust no one right now, and feel incapable of unconditional love. I am obsessed with protecting myself, keeping the world at arm's length, remaining vigilant, all in an effort not to be a victim again. I am in fight or flight mode.

I know I am dealing with distorted thinking, but it is very hard right now for me to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy lines of reasoning, to distinguish between what I feel is true and what is factually true, and to realize when I am engaging in all-or-nothing thinking. And one of the hardest parts is knowing this is happening and feeling like I have no strategies or alternatives to being this way. The only thing familiar and comfortable to me is the long-standing pattern of withdrawal into my cave, into isolation.

What helps? What can the carer do? I guess you should read the carer threads for good advice, but being in the middle of it right now I can tell you that even when my wife thinks she is helping, her "I love you's" and "I just want to help's" are equal parts relief and pain for me. I am skeptical right now about our marriage lasting, and for the past two weeks I have lived outside my home. I am supposed to return home in a couple days, and I am mostly dreading it.

I guess all I can say is that if you really love this person and you think there is a chance of things changing, hang in there, try to help him get help, and be patient with the fact that he can't (just as I can't) seem to think the way he used to and won't be happy until he really faces stuff with a good therapist, and that will take longer than you want, no matter how long it is...

I have left open the door of possibility that this could happen for me, that maybe with therapy my life will change for the better, but honestly I am skeptical and think there is just as good a chance I will not be around in five years.

That's my two cents worth of insight. I hope it helps somehow...

Hey!

I am new to threapy and the diagnoses of PTSD. My PTSD was also due to childhood abuse etc etc.

I wish I could give you a magic wand to wave.....

I lost my partner which I feel is partially down to PTSD! We are still in love and he tries to support me but has been damaged by my previous actions - I guess many people with PTSD have aqcuired dysfunctional coping mechanisms that all seem to have a major emphesis on self-protection/destruction. I have put those two words together because I certainly have protected myself from so much that I have pushed away that which I did not need protecting from, but because the things that I was threatend by required trust and love it triggered my fear thus, my wall of protection.

I think you sound like a wonderful caring person with qualities that are so important to be surrounded by - I guess the old addage ' you can't help someone until they are ready to help themselves' comes into mind. I can be self-destructive and have wobbles (as I call it!). Only I can understand why and learn to stop that.

Everyone is an individual and will respond differently to therapy etc but it definitley tests you in ways that I would certainly like to avoid - but it must be done! I am no longer with my partner but I do have him as support and a good friend - I would love to share this journey with a loved one but I am not sure if there is room or whether it would be healthy for them - you just can't guarantee how you will feel from one day to the next until you have started to absorb new coping strategies and employed them.

I don't belive that you can't be with a loved one and come through this I just imagine that there will be a lot of hurt and anguish - real patience and acceptance of how this may go at times is key - but the person with PTSD alos must take responsibilty for ones actions, both of these are difficult depending on where a person is and whether they are TRULY ready to heal!

Read, read, read, read is the only advice that I feel would be objective enough to give - knowledge is power!!! However, this journey needs to be majoritly travelled by your 'one', as you have highlighted you cannot do it for him - all of the undoing has to be done by him!

Acceptance is the hardest biggest step as many people have lived in denial for so long!

Be kind to yourself first so that you can continue to give your wonderful love!

PTSD feels so sh*t sometimes as we have been denied the very things that we are now denying ourselves....LOVE!

I hope he finds acceptance and love for himself!

Spirit x

NYC. You don’t sound negative; you are just telling it how it is and I appreciate that. I’ve been reading a lot particularly these past 12 months about anything and everything to help him. And from my own experiences I know it will be worse, that’s why we are putting it off until he is in a stable environment, here.
I’m just searching for some hints on ways to help him get through the next 6 months before he gets here.

UPSTREAM.
Yes I have looked into CBT extensively. I had anxiety and depression when we met, and it was this beautiful man that encouraged me to get into it. I’d had some mental abuse issues from a previous relationship that I was in denial were affecting me. I’d also been abusing weed after that break up to block out my emotions and keep me on track – not going back to him.
And then at one stage after our (the man I still love) break up, I was showing all the symptoms of Bi polar disorder. And the CBT did wonders – after I found the right therapist, someone young, who could relate to the X/Y gen.
So I’ve actually been treated with it myself. And I think I’m fine now. As in I definitely don’t have Bi-polar. But I am aware I have tendencies towards it if I don’t look after myself. I think, from my experience – training your body to instinctively breathe deeper played a major part. Now I am an astanga yoga addict. My teacher confided that she had helped lots of people with their trauma treatments by adding a good dose of hardcore yoga. It trains your mind and your body in unison – and it also makes you very tired, because it is an internal cleanser. I strongly recommend to anyone, but particularly those suffering from any anxiety disorders – it definitely alleviates the symptoms.
Anyone reading this, sufferers or carers, try to find a good yoga class, but make sure its flow yoga (power yoga or astanga), not the chilled out ones. It’s meditation for the mind and the body and it’s extremely challenging, yet it encourages each individual to go at their own pace, not push too hard, allow the body to tell you when you are ready. It’s obvious to me how the yoga practise could be beneficial to those in PSTD treatment, as well as those stressed while they support them.

REBT therapy, no. I will be looking into it extensively.
I have been looking at NRP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)therapy, a relatively new practise advocated by quite a few specialists in Australia.
I’ll let you know as I know more, but it is something he can get started on for now, as there is a lot of theory and reading involved before the therapy starts. It actually sounds quite amazing.

Thank you for your comments. Please let me know if you have any links to REBT that would be most beneficial.

Darling Shoshin,

Thank you so much for explaining your story. I hope mine helped you too.
I quickly read it just before we spoke on the phone today. I’ll give you my update below.
Your lady believes in you, and you are clearly very special and lucky to have her. You obviously give her things and touch her life in a very special and beautiful way, you are clearly an amazing person. And in time you will realise that. Every time someone pays you a compliment, read it, or repeat it and believe it and eventually you will.
Hang in there gorgeous, you have a lot to offer, I can tell. And she loves you.
But as advice, if some words drive you nuts, tell her. I am not one to dispel I love you very often, I’ve had some intimacy issues before, and it just doesn’t spill out of my mouth naturally. I’m not sure about you of course, but with him, he feels better when I help him change his thoughts. Like reminding him of goals he’s eager to reach, outside of overcoming pstd. Maybe you could ask her to do that, if it would help. For me, any little clue into how I can make our communication easier for him is like gold dust. Maybe you could plan a holiday for some stage in a few months when you are stage “x” of therapy. Like maybe somewhere deserted like south east asia. It might just give you and your wife that extra goal, outside of the focus point.
Please feel free to make as many comments about how you are feeling here again, and if you have any questions for me, I’d be happy to offer my insight.

Spititofnow.
You gorgeous thing.
What a self aware person you are.
I am being nice to myself. I have learnt a lot from our first stint together, and I have also grown and healed a lot. I’m as strong as an ox now. I know how to protect myself. And he knows I won’t put up with anything like before. He says he has a fear of pissing me off and upsetting me, which is probably a good thing. I’m armed with a lot of info now, but I really like to hear from people directly about their experiences. So it’s great to hear how you feel and I hope you continue to tell me your story and progress, good or bad.
I can tell you are coming to some amazing realisations and break throughs.
Stay strong, and believe in yourself.

OK here is the update.
We spoke on the phone today.
I decided to try not let it get heavy, and besides, I am at work and have my work hat on, so it couldn’t anyway.
But I wrote a list of things, just general things that I thought might help and then waited for the right time to discuss them in the conversation.
He began by explaining where he is at, and how glad he was that I was there for him the past week. I was unsure if I had helped ( we’d been firing text messages back and forth for 8 hours a day). He said it helped tremendously as it was one of the worst trips ever and he wasn’t sure how it would have went had I not been there. I told him I was proud and pleased that he at least reached out in writing all those texts. He acknowledged it was a big step for him and hopefully felt some sort of happiness with his progress.
See, I’m not one to “piss in some ones pocket” as the saying goes. As caring as I may sound and I very much am the type of friend or sister who gives “tough love”. I’m compassionate, but I will never lie, and this situation has groomed me into being a lot more diplomatic than I am naturally.
This works to my advantage, as he knows I’m not going to compliment him unless I really think it so. Anyway, I digress…
So we got to the bottom of it. He realised that he inadvertently got in a conversation about his childhood the other week. And slowly it had built up to over drive overwhelmed anxiety attack.

He told me he really did get tempted to pick up the phone a couple of times, but then he felt suffocated and stunned and couldn’t do it. I told him he needn’t have said anything, less “ I want you to rant at me till I feel better”. He likes my whimsical, philosophical rants. I’m very well read and have had a lot of experiences so he likes my insight.
Today I said I felt a bit nervous about giving him insight, as I am no expert. He said he takes that on board with what I say and he wants me to just be straight up with my advice.
So I took it back a notch and addressed his pot smoking and caffeine intake. To my surprise he had no idea about the adverse side effects of caffeine on anxiety. And he didn’t know that weed could dig a hole to all sorts of anxiety problems both in the short and long term.

He said that calling himself ‘evil’ was something he got from childhood, the mental abuse from his mother, she was always trying to convince him he was evil and that he had schizophrenia, and all sorts of awful shit to be telling a child. She also threw him into a mental health hospital and never returned. Anyway, when he goes into a trance he makes it worse because he gets all worried he has schizophrenia as well as pstd. I can’t be sure, but I think he hears her yelling at him, and that is why he is able to almost convince himself he has schizophrenia.

I assured him all his texts were very clear and concise and in no way resembling a mad man, just a pained man. It was clear at this point what had happened, how it was triggered, how he got in the trance and why he couldn’t get out of it. A penny dropped about a lot of things that took place when we broke up, he was going around telling people who were close to me that I was insane. I mean I was very neurotic at the time, but I realise now he was projecting a lot of this shit his mother did onto me. I never really understood why he did this, he even went up to my ex partner, who he wanted nothing to do with and told him he thought I was going crazy. I think he realised we were going to break up and was trying to prevent me getting back together with my ex. He had this really strong grip on the thought that I’d go back to my ex partner of 6 years. There was nothing I could do to properly convince him that I was not in love with him(ex) at all. To me it was so ridiculous.

This mother thing is a tricky one. I am a good listener and I try not to pry too much when it comes to things like this. He was very open with me when we were together and was later to tell me that it freaked him out and was a major reason why he lost his senses with me and turned into a prick and made me eventually, for my own sanity, throw him out. That was three years ago and he told me that a year ago. He told me yesterday that he has managed to not turn against people who are helping him and feels so lucky that I have given him a second chance.
One thing he has never told me is that his mother is not really dead – only to him she is. I was to find this out from his father (who he only met when he was a grown up).
So when he kind of talks about stuff, I’m trying to get information without confusing him, because he thinks he’s told me more than he actually has. Or maybe I’ve forgotten the tiny details. You know, I need to be asking him questions, to keep him talking about things, but I don’t want to offend him, having him think I don’t remember all he confided.
Anyway, its good news for now. We had a nice talk, it felt good. And he’s sent me some loving texts, and we’ve agreed it would be best if we spoke for a short while every single night. He told me that would help him stay in check. So that is great progress I reckon.
If anyone has any advice at all, I would love to hear it. I’ve become completely addicted to reading this forum, there are so many beautiful people here.

Thanks for the messages, you people seem wonderful spirits and I look forward to getting to know you and offering what I can along the way.

Hey Samsara,

I have been sitting here staring at the screen (this thread), wanting so bad to reach out!

Anyway, whilst deliberating on whether my outpouring would seem like I am hijacking your moment I realised that perhaps it could have a two fold effect; help me and perhaps give you some insight into some of the things that perhaps your 'one' goes through? I say perhaps as how I feel is subjective - to me of course :-)

Anyhow here goes.......

The very thought of being open on here (mainly in this thread) has caused me so many negative thoughts:

I am being self indulgent by indirectly taliking about myself
Peolpe will think I am selfish
You seem so caring which makes me want to continue to answer your thread to help you but also as I know it would also help me - helping me out seems wrong-selfish!
Pathetic
Stupid, to think such negative things about myself but whilst also still beleiving they are true!
Ugly inside and out

And all of that was just concerned with replying here to you for a second time!

Healing is a dichotomy!

Self awareness is with me but I still repeat and feel the same as I always have, except now the little rationale I have tells me that to feel this way towards myself is incorrect and unkind - I guess I know how I should feel but I have not actualised it yet!

There is this need to love and be loved - to heal and actualise all the beauty that I just occasionally know is in me and others. However, the years of negative conditioning have taught me to PROTECT, PROTECT! With this constant need to protect myslef from anyone who could be seen as a threat I also have so much self loathing.....That was hard to write!

I guess what this highlights is the level that all of this delves - it permeates every action ,thought, desire, wish......It can be all consuming!

Having someone who is a soundboard is really important - someone who loves the person even better! However, there are so many risks for the person who is healing - letting someone in is scary, it makes you feel vulnerable, it scares the person sometiems so much so that their wall of security comes pouncing up in-front of them in order to push away the person who it is that represents that threat. Also talking about past exepriences and issues opens up the flood gates to reliving those memories (flashbacks) sometimes even new memories that were half registered memories, come flooding back and that is tough-it really is akin to being back on the battle ground where the traumas happened - reliving every feeling! Sometimes, when we remember these things we can aslo associate the 'remembering' to where we were at the time or who we were with etc etc and then avoiding those situations can become a pre-occupation. Whether someone is aware of all of this seems to be the key to unlocking the door to new possibilites! I have self awareness but I still struggle with everyday life!

The one thing that this self awareness does faciltiate is an understadning of the things that you can implement to try to make life more comfortable;

I see that you are aware of the issues with stimulants such as tea and coffee- cutting these out is one step! I stopped 4 years ago and NEVER consume it!

Sleep - I don't often get a sound nights sleep - there is a link I have visted on the site that gives some excellent advise on how to increase the opportunity of restful sleep

Diet - I think I should have shares in oily fish, the amount that I can eat :-). I am sure you are very aware of this and there is also plenty of info on what you can eat to maximise good health

Ecxercise - I go the gym 3-4 times a week even though the feeling of exercise makes me feel like I am having an anxiety attack - I now know the positives outweigh this.

Support.....

Knowledge - reading, some of it can be very painful but the two of three books I have purchased after they were recommended on here are; I can't get over it- A handbook for trauma surviviors - Aphrodite Matsakis - The PTSD workbook - Mary beth Willaims. There is also a link on here for books.
They help me accept and understand what has been going on for all of these years! I call reading these books a 'head nodding experience' as it is comforting to realise that how I have felt, beahaved is REAL - it may help your 'one' feel better about his feeling of being schizophrenic-I mean it may dissapate the feeling that he has! My mother is bi-polar and I used to be convinced that I was too which would agitate my anxiety attacks! That is and was the only time that my PTSD diagnoses was a comfort to me ;-)

Acceptance - He alone can only achieve this!

Looking forwards - we spend so much of our lives looking over our shoulder at the past and for danger! Future pacing and seeing yourself accomplish something positive and imagining how that will feel is a good excercise for feeling like there is one (a future)- perhaps his move to Oz could be a good visulalization?

I have had CBT and it is a fantastic therapy for dealing with all of the irrational thoughts and fears ( I read that you have personal experience of this which would be a plus for empathising with your 'one').

Intergrative psychotherapy - next phase of therapy for me> I am a 2nd year Psychology student so I have the advantage of understanding this therapy from a theoretical perspective - it has good results and makes total sense to me in terms of dealing with the here and now but also going back to the route cause of all of this and facing those b*stard demons.

Anyway, I really hope that some of this may help you both, I really do!

Your love is good medicine for him just remember that when the going gets tough!

Spirit x

REBT is just a form of CBT... sounds like it might be redundant for you as you've been through CBT