Wow,

You have given me some things to think about, spiritofnow.

I guess there is a part of me that wants to be saved, I dunno. I know that I have spent many years behaving as the savior...going through a string of relationships in my early days with women who in various ways seemed to need help, support, healing, whatever, and I still to this day feel an incredibly strong compulsion to do whatever I can to help alleviate suffering. I find myself ten years into a marriage that started with me wanting to help, to heal, to save, and now I am wondering what the hell am I still doing here? What else is there to our relationship? I just don't know right now...

I have many patterns, habits and internal scripts that are making it hard for me to help myself. When I do something for myself, I am afraid it is selfish, and when others pay attention to my needs, I feel weak and needy. I avoid praise, reject the spotlight, change the subject when I receive a compliment...I feel like I am here to serve and protect others, but not myself.

I guess I need to think about why I have so little compassion for myself...

You seem to be a very reflective person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

Samsara,

Where do things stand? Are you feeling strong? Taking care of yourself?

Shoshin,

A percentage of your need to help others could be attributed to.....

Displacement - where ones feelings, wishes desire are transeffered on to a safe object - perhaps in your case the people you have been involved with in your realtionships? You have displaced your subconscious desires of being healed onto those who are safer, partners (safer than healing yourself or someone helping you heal).

Of course I am not a therapist I have just used the experiences that I have had throughout my life - this stuff makes sense to me - it's about our dysfunctional coping mechanisms - I myself have realised that they once served me a purpose (no matter how negative it was); to protect myself and allowed/or facilitated me to live an isolatory life etc etc. However, now that I am beginning to heal I realise that they no longer server a purpose - .i.e to be a 'happy', 'normal' (I use that word losely but you get what I mean :-)) functioning person with the possibilty of 'true love' for myslef and others - they are actually a hinderence caused or created by the damage! Our bodies and minds just got cross-wired in the confusion over how to protect ourselves.

I totally get what you said about limelight etc etc - its deep routed all this negative thinking but once you start to unravel why and how you will understand how to change it! As I have mentioned on here before I do have self-awareness but that does not mean I have actualised it yet - that is the next step - learning through therapy and my openenss to cut out this disease (self hatred loathing and all of the other dysfunctions) and be who we know we really are, in order to maximise and fulfil our own unique potential in this life!

Obviously, you are also a very caring empathetic person with wonderful qualities which is why you have the ability to be so nurturing.

I see reflections of myself in some of the stories on here - it has been theraputic to know I am not alone and that others have felt the same way too! I am better at helping than being helped just as you, but I am learning I need to do the latter first in order to truly help others without it being at the detriment of me or them - also beacuse we DO deserve to receive this help - Don't we ? ;-)

I wish you well on your journey Shoshin.

Spirit X

For Samsara,

After reading one of your posts about your beloved BB I remembered something that may or may not help him???

I too have felt as if I was 'evil', nobody actually told me this - I guess the past and all of its complexities reinforced this feeling.

Anyway, I remember the feeling from when I was very young and have up unitl recently had this feeling - it was so much a part of me that I guess I never looked at it and scrutinised it!

I will use an example - A school trip to St Pauls catherderal in London - I was really scared and anxious when entering into the church and whilst we walked around - I was so sure that this holly place would REVEAL THAT I AM EVIL. I really believed this!!!!

It upsets me so! But if it helps reassure your BB that he is not alone (if you can share this info with him) I know it just has to help him alongside the beautiful support you give to him.

We are not the evil ones! ( I still feel uneasy walking in churches because of this feeling although it has dwained) and still partially believe that if I was to look directly at a clergy person they would see the evil - it happened on a NLP course I was on last week - I was sure the guy hosting it with all of his NLP techniques would see through me and see my badness - something else to take to therapy with me.

Thanks once again Samsara and I hope that it helps him believe in himself x

I was going to start a new thread on here but I feel this applies to this thread. Plus I feel safer leaving it here, (if it does get moved then I will understand why). This was why I was intially drawn to this thread Samsara and then your bright beautiful light , that touched me

My story....
We were together for nearly three years and I believe he was/is the 1st man that I have ever truly loved!

Our relationship actually ended just before Christmas 2007. I had told him once again that I could not continue in 'us' (about the 6th time - so he tells me, that I had done this!). It does not really matter what it was that initiated my action/re-action, more so that once again I was protecting myself with my maximum security wall of defence <- that may as well be him on the outside not being able to get in.

Obviously, whilst I was in the relationship I could not see my behaviour and how it was affecting 'us'. I would have a wobble/trauma/crisis then we would have the 'chat' - how I felt he was not meeting my needs and how his behaviour was affecting me (talk about transference). The poor guy kept battling through hoping that things would get resloved, hoping that I would see that he was not responsible for how I was feeling....but I didn't!

I pushed and pushed until he could not bare it any more - he did not want me to feel the pain that I was in, in 'us', and also understandibly did not want it for himself!

So when I went to him with my usual 'I didn't mean it', he had decided not to allow it to continue. Intially he asked if we could be friends, but the boundaries of that were blurred as we had not disconnected from each other - this made my wall come up even higher! I felt that he did not want to make a commitment to me but wanted the perks of aspects of our realtionship. So I told him that I could not continue on in that way and that I wanted closure - doing what I do best - shutting down and denying my feelings so that I could move on - ha!

I went away and did not contact him at all - I started at the gym and transposed my sadness into excercise - I worked out so hard and battled every day with anxiety and depersonalisation. I soon realised that the reason these feelings were being heightened was because I was not connecting with my emotions over us - ha ha, a pattern here! I began to cry and cry and thought I would never be able to stop crying because of all of the pain that was inside of me. That's when I began to metaphorically hold myself - 'I am here for you' I told myslef and 'you will be okay'! It did feel good to do this, a sort of quiet, cosey, warm, feeling. But I would have days where I would slip back into denial and so on and so on.

Christmas time came and I knew I could not let it go by without letting him know that I was thinking about him so I sent him a simple text where I wished him well. He sent a text straight back and wished me the same but added that 'he hoped that all my dreams would come true in the new year'-so lovely!

I still left it alone and did not contact him again. I stood on the bridge that is supended over the river near my house and watched the New Year fireworks light the sky from all over the city - I had him in my mind all of the time and wished him a 'Happy New Year', and wondered where he was, what he was doing and how he was feeling-it was hideous being without him.

My son wanted to stay in touch with him and of course I was postive about this for him - it was while he was arranging when and where to meet my pirate-price ( silly nick name :-)) that we spoke again. He asked to speak to me and asked whether I wanted to meet with him as well. I did and we ended up in bed together!

That was a mistake I have repeated 3 times - the last time was the eve of Valentines night - we ate a meal that I had cooked while my son was away visiting realtives and brought each other valentines cards - he wrote in the the card that he loved me always and forever and told me that he really meant what he had written and got all emotional.

I seduced him and he did say that he did not think it was good for my healing for us to be together in the physical sense - I am his weakness in that way - he is totally in to me in the physical sense ( that never went away) as well as my other dimensions. Again I felt confused the next day.

I have been totally honest with him about why I am still part of this 'friendship' thing - because 'I am still in love with him'. He has told me that he feels like his hand has been forced into making the decision of us not beeing a couple due to the issues my issues cause between 'us' - he is right, I still have occasions where I do not trust him and push him away.

My dilemma is this - do I continue to have him in my life (without any hanky panky) as he does want to support me and help out - and also if there is a chance of us being together again this would increase our chances - OR do I move on? I am so unsure! I find it taxes me having him in my life because I constantly have to battle with my wall of defence-perhaps it is to much to ask of myslef at this stage - perhaps my therapy will evolve and I will feel differently???? If I stay with the 'friendship' thing I may get hurt - what if he gets fed up with me, what if he meets someone else, what if what if.........

We still love each other - I don't know what to do and all of the thoughts are driving me crazy, I want to make it go away but I am not sure how to do this in the healthiest way!

He has told me that I am a beautiful person, that I give so much that it is embarrasing in reflection to what others can, he tells me that I am the love of his life. He tells me he comes undone when I am not in his life, he tells me that if I am to walk away forever that I should do it facing him and not turn my back on him as that would be too much for him. He wants me to be free and heal!!!!! He wants what will be bset for me even if that means losing me forever.


He is an honourable honest lovely man - he has had few relationships and values himslef and others enough to wait to have an intiamate realtionship. He is not an 'a typical' guy - he is intelligent and funny and I love him with all of my worth!

However, he is right to have re-strained and not allowed 'us' to go back! I miss him!

Spirit x

He understands that I was intimate with him because I wanted to be as close to him as I could - he kept telling me how much he had missed me when we were together. I know being intimate with him was not good for me though.

Spirit x

What if you did not make it an "all or nothing" thing (break up totally or keep giving in to unchecked feelings)?

Would it be possible to agree to take some time apart, check in with each other after a given period of time, with a few ground rules, and get a sense of where things stand?

Seems like you need some time for therapy to develop without the confusing feelings, and with an agreed upon reunion, you would not need to despair about losing him. Yes, it is hard to be apart, but it sounds unlikely that a carefully agreed upon break would eliminate all the feelings you have expressed for each other...

Just my 2 cents...

A very insightful and logical 2 cents worth Shoshin :-)

A friend I have here in the U.K suggessted the same approach - it makes sense!
I guess the beauty of what we have is that he does not impose himself on me, he waits for me to contact him. So I could just refrain from doing that until I understand all of this better.

I could set myself some boundaries - not too good at that! But I want to achieve some clarity so I will work hard at sticking to what I set out for myself.

Usually - I would set the boundaries have a difficult time and break them - be back on the phone, text, mailing him. I dislike how that makes me feel - the needy feeling. I think that is why I go to the extreme because I can handle cutting things out rather than managing them!-another thing Ihave learned :-)

My first intergrative therapy is next week (5 months since my inittial CBT)- I am sure that all of this has been heightened by my anxiety over that. It's going to be the toughest part and I am dreading how I know it will make me feel - its bloody unfair to have experienced all of the trauma in the 1st place and now I have to be open to reliving it to heal - I know it is the 'key' to unlocking my wants and desires........but I wished there was another way! It feels like I know a storm is coming and I am running around in circles rather than preparing myself.

Anyway, how about you Shoshin? How are you doing? How are you feeling since being back? How is your head feeling?

Spirit x

I just spoke with him and we have decided on April 1st (April fools day here in the U.K) which we both thought was quite amusing!

Thanks Shoshin x

Spirit,

April Fool's Day...I love it! May your arrangement be everything you hope it will be.

I cannot believe you wrote:

Usually - I would set the boundaries have a difficult time and break them - be back on the phone, text, mailing him. I dislike how that makes me feel - the needy feeling. I think that is why I go to the extreme because I can handle cutting things out rather than managing them!

I have just been through a couple weeks of painful closing up/ pushing away my loved ones because of the same tendency. I really believed that cutting off my friendships and even my marriage would somehow simplify and condense my problems, streamlining my suffering into a manageable enemy to be combatted. Hah! I've botched it all.

I am back home after a self-imposed exile of three weeks, and after a rocky start, my wife is somehow putting up with me and we are even talking about how to get along while weathering this storm...For the first time since mid-December, I feel like things might get better, though I am not confident of it...

Had a panic attack after a flashback last night, and a bit of a meltdown this evening, but otherwise I am hanging in there...

Tomorrow is work, where I will see two dear friends whom I have hurt this past week...

Every day is a winding road...