Shoshin

....I get a little bit closer :-)

I am so glad that this internal out pouring onto this virtual page has some relevance for you - this place is akin to being in school eh? Gold stars for Shoshin and Spirit wohooo!:-)

I am sorry to hear that you had a rough night. I really want to give you some wise insightful words - how about this...? Something is happening, everytihng's different but everything is fine - this is the good stuff, yesterday is only what you leave behind...............Your just beginning, you haven't missed it, it's all ahead of you and you know what to do.......

Things are looking up Shoshin - you and your wife are forging a new pathway in order for you to both continue sharing this journey - side by side eh! You can do it!!!!!! You are a strong and intelligent soul - you are peicing this altogether and soon the pircture will become clearer - lifting the veil of fog!

Panic attacks are subjective to the person who suffers with them which is why I am holding back from wise words - they are my achilles heel. I used to do anything to avoid them - now whilst starting the therapy the flood gates have openened and I am more accepting (at times and depending on where). I guess being kind to yourself is key as they do create a lot of pressure for body and mind - a warm bath with relaxing bubbles and lavender ( I know you are a rugged cowboy male) but even they need to soak and chill:-) Oh and sleep - not so easy I know but have you tried hot milk before bed - it has ben reported that it contains the hormone melatonin and the amino acid tryptophan which is related to sleep and relaxation, importantly they are good routines to get into.

I hope your Monday was another day forwards on this journey to becoming whole!

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Apologies for all my typos..........

Thanks lovlies.
I’m doing fine. I’m feeling very strong, and your supportive discussion has only helped that. Thank you.

Had a bit of a scare with BB on the weekend, he went to a party and ended up taking some pure ecstasy powder and woke up with an ambulance at his feet and does not recall a thing. See, he’s only young so these things (drugs and partying) get in the way of his goals sometimes, as he has a natural yearning to escape, is bored and down in the miserable cold weather. But he is highly sensitive to dugs of any kind (which is a good thing as long as it deters him from taking them).
Of course the nightmares have increased tenfold and he feels like crap more than ever this week. Though he’s sworn them off, his own admission (I’m not really one to nag, what’s the point?).

In any case, he’s back on track, and sounds stronger than ever. We had a long conversation on the phone a couple of days ago. It made us both feel better. We were able to discuss just general stuff, which is great, the other stuff can get exhausting and frustrating when I hang up the phone). We talked about the future and where he sees himself professionally when his residency finally comes through and he moves here. There are still a lot of hurdles, but he’s really so amazing. He’ll realise just how much so, in time. We discussed how a lot of his problems are normal ( not pstd) and how they appear to be worse for him, as they swim around and around in his head. He’s finally understanding that venting or discussing them, using some sort of emotional refuge (me) will make him feel better and help him and myself to make sense of them.

He is estranged to his mum and brother, and he’s never had that family bond before like I have been fortunate enough to have – I have had amazing family and feel like I have been given so much love, that it is my duty to share it with others. Remember I said how the penny dropped about our break up, when he explained the issues with his mum? I also told him about how the more he tells me about where he is at, the more I can understand what went wrong and how things can be made easier for us in the future.

Now he’s on about working two new jobs to get all the money together in time. He said he’s doing it with a mate, working his trade by night and construction by day. He needs all the money he can get and while I am glad he is focussed, I’m a bit concerned he will burn out. Its only for 6 weeks though, and he seems to be so much better when we just keep shooting texts to each other about how we will be together soon, in Asia, soaking up the sun. So I’m just focussing on that – keeping him focussed.

Spiritofnow, I’m so delighted you are starting a notebook. You’re a good writer, write yourself a journal too? It will be great for you to read it in months to come to track your progress, thoughts. I know it helped me immensely when I was down and depressed a few years back. It's helped BB a lot before too. A journal is not just for how you are feeling, but also for dreams and fantasies, they’re positive.

Another thing, having a separation from your loved one will do you both good. Don’t be concerned that he will find another. That should not be a concern, you should just leave that one to gods will/nature. You have been through a lot together to realise that this time apart, for reflection and healing will only do you both the world of good. Give him some time to really understand what pstd is and how he plays a part in your healing.

Be patient and maybe use me as your example. BB and I have not seen each other for three years and had absolutely no contact for two. That time allowed us to focus on ourselves, heal, forced him to grow up a lot. He's come a very, very long way too -- I'm so proud of him. And your loved one will be too, of you. Focus on yourself, but don't be selfish. You can't have your cake and eat it too darlin'. The best thing you can do for both of you is focus on your healing. Even if he does bed another, he won't stop thinking about you, he won't stop loving you. You're theone -- trust me, I know about this, did I mention 3 years of experience? ;)

The time apart for us has been an integral part of why I want to be with him so much now. I can see and feel and hear how much better he is. I am sure of my feelings, I know there is still a long road yet to go and in all honesty, if another separation during his treatment is necessary, then I'll do it. The time apart has allowed me to grip a better understanding on ptsd. Intimate Relationships make us look at ourselves, and if we don't like what we see, it can have extremely detrimental affects on the relationship. That goes for everyone. So concentrate on your healing, not your libido. Get to that yoga class lady!

Even as I write this, I am glad it is still 10 weeks before we see each other. I want to be ready, because once we are 100% back together in Australia, that’s it, there is no turning back for me, so I want to be ready. That’s why I’m here. To help others with my story and be helped if possible as well. Thank you for your reaching out, both of you.

Don’t be offended if I don’t come on line for a few days at a time. I got behind at work last week writing on this, as well as dealing/worrying about BB. So this week is catch up time on my life, working on myself. I’m not very good with halves, I can only offer you full glasses and when it gets a little bit empty, I just gotta wait for a refill before I have anything decent to offer.

You both sound like you are doing well. Every second, every minute, every day you are getting better --- MANTRA IT!

Love Samsara

You go, samsara! You sound confident and healthy. Glad to hear it. While your BB may struggle at times, it sounds like your support is helpful to him, and it also sounds like he is trying hard to think of and work toward a better future, which is very positive, I would think. My best to you both.

Samsara

So glad to see you (in the virtual sense). I think of you most days - how you have helped me find someone as lovely as Shoshin to banter with and how the hell you are. I can see you are a full glass person and I was concernd that I had taken more than I should. But, and listen to this, I realised that you gave as much as you felt comfortable too and that I cannot always try to protrect others from myself as I am a good person and would not take at their detriment (knowingly, of course)- ha ha! How about that then?

It feels strange to say but at least the thought was there.

BB - ahh the temptations of youth! At least he is introspective enough to be honest about his little wandering offs' onto the wrong path. Your logic is something to behold - my life has always seem to be run by my damn emotions which has been hazardrous with all me crossed wires - although there are more and more days when I almost watch my reaction and then settle it with some good old logic and insight.

You are a strong girl and seem to have the balance just right! You will both be a force to be reckoned with

So glad to see your name on this page I said ' Samsara' out loud when I saw you had visited

Yoga; I have enquired and there are no somachi session where I live - however an instructor emailed me with an evening session she runs for women, self-esteem and stress management, I will try it out! I am ordering a Somachi DVD from Amazon and myself and my friend are going to practice toghether - such a studious student

I have not started the notebook yet as I want to go and buy a special book - one that is made for dreams (as you say) as well as milestones!

Had a glitch today, with my dysfunctional family - so much hurt - they need to be kind to myself and my son! I sent an email to my mother - it was a big deal to do that!!!! I feel better! So glad that I live far from them.

Anyhow, so glad to share your wonderful light again my lovely lovely Samsara. You are protected and so is your BB - your love is your shield from harm.

Therapy tomorrow!

Spirit x

Arrgh! Did I say Somachi? Shit sorry about that! You won't find it in the UK. Actually you won't find it anywhere outside of Melbourne.

Look for Astanga yoga. You will find that, it's universal. And if you are going to buy a home dvd, get David Swenson.
Though I only recommend that for home practise. You really need to go to a class, particularly if you are a beginner. Two main reasons : motivation to challenge yourself, and also to have the instructor ensure your poses are correct and help you get to the next level. I'd be really surprised if you can't find Astanga or flow yoga. when you call them up just ask, some studios call it something different, eg somachi is pretty much Astanga with tai chi thrown in the mix.

And well done on the good thoughts regarding my absence. Very impressed and proud of you.

Stop faffing about getting a notebook! JUST GET ONE! When you find a nice one, you can cut all the previous stuff out and glue it in. Damn girl! Get to it! You might miss out of some special words just busting to get out!

I'm feeling a bit weird today. I nearly started crying at the end of yoga today. It was a compassionate emotion. My teacher asked us to dedicate our Buddhist prayer through thought to someone/some people and I decided to dedicate it to sufferers of ptsd in treatment, particularly the readers on this forum. Then I got a bit emotional and choked up and then I was OK.
I'm also on my cycle.

And there's another thing...My mum called last night.
As you are aware, my family is very good -- I have had amazing parents. And since I dealt with my meltdown a few years back, I have learnt to be a less secretive bottling up individual than I once was with my family. ( I am the eldest and took on that role from an early age). So anyway, the point of telling you this? Well I hadn't told her in detail that BB and I were to reunite in Asia soon. Actually, I had only told her snip its of how we have been back in contact the past year. (Including drunk at my sisters wedding 6 months ago, when i told her he was the one and she shook her head in a mum way and sort of cutely patronised our drunkenness).

So I said, - "I just got my leave approved, and I'm meeting 'BB' in Vietnam in May. She said "Who? Crazy 'BB'?".
"He's not crazy! He's fine. We were both crazy back then, a lot has changed".
I said this calmly, not defensively which even surprised me.
"Is he still drinking? He's a heavy drinker, is he still drinking a lot?"
I said I didn't know. I said we didn't really discuss it. Which is kind of true. And kind of not.
It's weird, BB was a heavy drinker mainly to self medicate. When we visited my parents with me she noticed how much he drank I guess. He was never loud or violent or abusive, though the amount he drank was always a concern to me. Maybe I told her about that, though I doubt I would have.
Then we went on to talk about it, the last year of BB and I back together through solid correspondence.

Mum conceded that I have changed a lot in 3 years -- that I'm not crazy any more, that I'm fine now. And she acknowledged the three years being a long time. It was a calm conversation, I didn't get defensive, I did feel surprised that I just straight out told her though. She just wanted me to understand that she will remind me of my tendency to stop looking after myself to help others, but she also conceded that she thought I've worked out a lot of that and know how to look out for myself first. I then told her that I am really happy about it all, it feels right, I got back in contact with him seeking closure, and in some ways I got it -- just not the way I thought I would get it. I got closure on the pain, and I got an open door on my heart -- I still truly madly deeply love him, and it's getting stronger. I didn't tell her all that -- it felt awkward, I didn't want to wipe her out with all this sudden information that had been developing over 12 months in a short conversation on the phone.

So I'm letting it sink in. I did tell her that, I was telling her because I have realised secrets are not good from people you trust, and I don't want any more emotional volcanoes. I told her I am telling her this because I am happy about all of it and I want to be open and honest about what's going on, especially the possibility that BB and I will be together in the longer term in Australia. I said that I am being careful with myself too, I have learnt to look out for myself first before I can help anyone else.
Anyway, all of that was well and good. And I can't expect her to take it all on board in one go, baby steps. but my mum is just like me, I know how she thinks and she's usually onto it.

So since last night, I have been thinking again about the drinking, and wonder if I should bring it up with BB. I mean, he did self medicate during his last fall down. I guess mum raised some doubts in me, some fears about what may be around the corner. I definitely don't want him to self medicate. And he says that he controls things like drinking. He says that if one or two turn into many, he punishes himself and goes cold turkey for two weeks. I believe him. And I also believe he wants me so much that he feels with purpose now -- he may want to not drink or have me if it comes to that (the choice).
The texts this week have been strong. He told me that I give his life tangibility. And just writing this now, makes me realise the doubts are just natural and healthy and my mum is just looking out for me, being a good mum.

Anyway that's me. I've got my period and I'm feeling emotional, it's raining and actually, I feel better now that I have told you all that.

Samsara,

I have read the whole thread and I beleive that you are right to have some healthy internal questioning over the drink issue. It's great that BB recognises that he self medicates and does try to avoid this - I am not much of a drinker but if I am lucky enough to go out with friends to have a good time - then depending on where I am emotionally depends on how much I drink! A month agao I got completed wasted and put myself in danger - I recognise why I did this and have vowed not to do it again! However, I beleive that therapy wil be the key to cocnsistently acheiving this - so perhaps you should bare that in mind? With me it all depends where I am emotionally (as I said).

You know your mum is just being what 'us' mums' are programmed to do, 'protect' our darlings . when she sees that you are together and happy that will be enough for her!

You and I seem to have very similar pathways in some respects - I used to care for others at my expense and would always bring home waif and strays - I guess nowadays with so much personal growth ahead of me I recognise that being that person to that degree is not right for me - you ARE strong!

Your emotions are just clouded at the moment by your cycle -as you pointed out!

I guess the one thing I would like to say is that you know you can't fix him or become his therapist and you should not carry the load all by your yourself. Some things are best left to the therapist to deal with, file away and go home to their loved ones, as his partner you will not be fortunate enoughh to be that objective. Share the journey and be supportive but you should not become his prop

I brought the bloody note book - ha ha! A beautiful pink and blue one with a shiny butterfly on the front and a lovely glittery purple pen to wrie with - that way whatever I write won't look so scary! Pink is so not my colour though he he.

No they don't do ashtanga here either only vini!

Therapy- wow!!!! I will write later my friend has just arrived as I am going to look a puppy.


Spirit x

Loving someone who has ptsd is not easy. It is not easy on their friends, family spouse, girlfriend, etc. I have ptsd which I have because of an abusive relationship. In some ways I am just not the same person that I use to be. Situations that I could handle with no problem before, are quite challenging now. I have been in counseling for about two years now and it has helped, but I still have relapses due to triggers and when this happens I still feel very scared. The best advice that I can give you is that your support is so very very important, but on his end he also needs to try and trust you and let you in. Letting someone in can be scary and he may even feel a little out of control if he opens up to you too much, but on a human level it is very necessary and a healthy thing to do. Opening up to my boyfriend has helped me and our relationship a lot, but I have to admit it hasn't been easy and it takes time, but we wouldnt be as close as we are now if I hadnt at some point decided to trust him and open up about my fears, worries, nightmares, obsesssions, and the dark past that still continues to haunt me....

Samsara,

How long to BB and you meet?
How are you feeling after your honesty with your mother?
How are you feeling concerning the 'drink issue'?

Love & friendship

Spirit x

[quote=spiritofnow;61724]Samsara,

How long to BB and you meet? We meet in 8 weeks in Asia.
How are you feeling after your honesty with your mother? Yeah I'm really glad about it. I know I only told her to save myself the struggle of doing it later. I kind of wish she would be more of a girlfriend about it. Mum's are such almighty judges, and I don't mean that is a negative way, they are the high priestess, and I wish her blessing didn't consume me so much. I take comfort knowing that she knows me, and wants me happy. I get concerned that she knows me, and my other side, which can be irrational and rebellious -- though wisdom seems to have dissipated the rebellion in me, funny how life does that. I now no longer feel like I would do anything for love. Inner peace on the other hand, well now I've gotten close to that one, I'm staying on full guard.

How are you feeling concerning the 'drink issue'?

I've been concerned and then not. He seems happy, yeah he's drinking a fair bit I think, but he's 24, works in a ski resort and just seems to be being young. I know a lot of 24 year olds without PTSD who drink a lot. Basically, I can't let that bother me right now unless he is self medicating.1. I don't have the energy, 2. It's not bothering me, 3. I'll wait until we are together to properly assess it and address it then. AND 4. The most important, he doesn't shut me out any more, those barrages of texts a few weeks back were not shut outs, but cries for help and friendship. He needed to find someone to off lay some of his loneliness. And he wants professional help when he gets settled. We've discussed it all and he's promised that He will let me know when he is getting weird.

In summary:
I wakeup to a text from him every week day.
I usually hear from him a few times a day.
I got weird last week, I wasn't sure entirely why and didn't want to bring it up and he sensed it and addressed it maturely and sincerely. I was really impressed. He made me realise stuff I didn't even know. It was quite a role reversal compared to recent months. It was good for me too -- knowing that he understands me and my connection to him and how it is affected. And how to make me feel good when I'm down.
He really proved himself there, and I wasn't testing him either. He's challenging himself to be a better man than he was yesterday. And I fall deeper. Something really amazing has happened to him in the past year -- he says it's me, which is sweet but something more, he wants it all enough to fight away the bullshit. I will share my poem up here at some stage when I am ready. I'm not sure as I supposed to be getting it published.
Anyway this is a recent text: Sums it up.

"I keep getting flashes of inspiration that tell me it's all gona come full circle, for once in my life. I've never met anyone quite like you before, as the song goes..."