I am so pleased for you Samsara.

Pleased for your clarity of mind, the place of contentment that you speak of, your love for yourself and him, but ultimately that you are connected with self.

I hope that your love for each other becomes something wonderful for you both.

It was good that he came through for you and did not see how you were feeeling as a threat and re-treat from it/you.

Love and friendship
Spirit x

He's fallen down again! The good thing about our regular 10 texts a day, is that the silence is a warning signal for him. He's been enjoying the distraction of the messages. There is about 10 texts in each text!

I'm not freaking out this time. He told me straight up and explained where he's at, and he's been texting me all day since. They are nice texts, he doesn't seem as freaked out and mentioned that he's going to surround himself with positive people and stay in contact with me until he's relaxed enough to sleep. That sounds better than the other times, like he sounds like he's making some internal progress for sure. Though he's still on about how this self loathing thing he has makes him want to be a better man, that it's his way for now, but somehow he will work out a better way. He says he just stares at his beer and thinks, tryingto work it out (the axiety I think).
But he's not shutting me out, he sounds like he's dealing with it really well, in his own way. We just gotta be patient so he can get to Australia and finally deal with this shit head on. He seems very ready, just practicalities getting in the way, damn those things!

My mum was right on the money, and to be honest, I had been thinking about the whole drinking thing, but there aint much I can do about it, he's in Canada for christsake! I mentioned today quite passionately that he's gotta soon work out how to curb these drinking binges, I know a lot of this is because he's been drinking too much and alcohol being the depressant it is, combined with all the emotional toxins he's suppressing, and he was extraordinarily in high spirits this week so I was just waiting for him to fall down again -- I knew he'd start to question why things were getting better for him and convince himself it was actually falling apart. Anyway, he DOES sound a lot better than last time, seems he's reaching out for both support and a distraction, says it makes him feel better to think of me.

I'm just really glad and comfortable that he is communicating with me, that he is not shutting me out, I mean he does not want to pick up the phone, but that's OK, he will in time. Or else time will have him find the right therapist once he gets out here.

He says he will speak to me later tonight, I hope he does, but I'm OK if he doesn't either. I've got my own stuff to concentrate on!

If anyone else reading this wants to comment, your own experience or questions/tips regarding mine, please do!

Spirit, I'll go check your journal in a bit and see how you are doing gorgeous.

I hope everything stays positive for you Samsara.

Samsara,

You know its going to be tough - this journey with your BB. As you say it is a positive that he does not shut you out completely. I feel for you as you have shown me the perspective of someone who has this love for a person with PTSD. It is hard! I never really viewed it form this perspective. I thought I did - but through your eyes I now see. To have to battle through the PTSD force field just to ensure that your love is witnessed by him demonstrates just how strongly you feel! I admire that in you!

I have run out of wise and perspicacious words. I just offer you my ongoing support and understanding.

Love and friendship

Spirit x

Thanks for the support and understanding Spirit.

He wants to call me and discuss the vivid dreams with me, see if I can help.
I don't know if I will be able to help but he seems to think I can. Maybe if he discusses them he will make his own interpretations and benefit from simply discussing them.
I bought him a lavender oil burner today, since he won't just go and buy one, he rarely does anything for himself, masochism seems such a prevalent theme in PTSD. So I bought him a big package of sketch books, oils and a burner, as well as some melatonin, in the hope he will try that and cut back on the dope smoking/drinking. These are all things I gave him when we were together, and they seemed to help. The lavender would knock him out and make him sleep like a puppy. It was weird, it used to frustrate him when he got a good nights sleep, like the good feeling from it confused him and made him more tired -- his body wanted more of it is how I saw it, but his head was going : "hey, hey, I'm not used to being fed and nourished properly by this guy".

Anyway, it's all the same really, except his nightmares are exceptionally vivid and violent this week. And he wants to talk to me about them.
His spirits seem quite high as he's admitting he's not great but dealing with it, said he knows that it's partly self inflicted (the drinking) but it's the way he is coping for now.
I don't really know what to say about that, I know that sometimes i just really don't want to think about things and just have a joint and forget about it. I mean, I wonder if he went sober if it would all become dreadfully unhinged for him, de-toxing, dealing with all the pain and not being able to function at work. He has 8 weeks to make this money to immigrate to Australia. It might sound weird but I'd feel irresponsible to telling him to go on the wagon and fight through it. Then another part of me thinks he the nightmares wont be as bad if he addresses some of this stuff during his waking hours. But then it appears that is a vicious circle like an obese person being told to stop eating suddenly and deal with their insecurities while they have hunger pains.

Bit of a tricky one, and since he's gotten this far doing what he does, I think I won't go the hard road of nagging him to do something he seems fully aware he needs to do. I think I will just listen to him, make him talk, make him feel safe. He's not stupid. And he's not a dangerous drunk to those around him, quite the contrary, after 5 beers, BB is more like most people are when they have had a relaxing massage.

The other thing is, he seems very set and certain about making me happy, with him, with myself with his actions. He knows how tough I am and he knows if he wants to be with me when he gets to Aus, that he has to go into some sort of treatment and stay clean. He knows, and he's one of the most tenacious of people I know. You don't go through what he has and still smile at those more fortunate than you without an enormously beautified determination and innate ability to challenge misery. As I write this he texts me, to apologise that he has not called yet, he is designing tonight's menu (he's a very hard working chef - this in itself is amazing) he's truly wondrous, how he fights this depression and gets things done. I'm often fascinated at all he achieves on the feeble "good sleep" count he has, not to mention the drink and weed. He is loved by many, everyone wants him to work for them, hang out with them, and he doesn't even see it.
I must have faith he will get through this. He must realise his dreams of immigrating here. God I love him. I never stop thinking about how much I love him, our connection, his sensitivity and honesty. He is truly unique and I want him now so much. Every day we draw each other closer. I'm amazed I can fall deeper in love with him than I was when I could touch, smell and see him.

Samsara,

How encouraging to know that he is trying, that he wants to share, that he has goals (getting to you and being willing to clean up).

Violent and vivid dreams are part of my experience, and can be influenced by SSRI medications as well as by the resurfacing of traumas via therapy. His willingness to share them shows a level of intimacy, at least in my largely uninformed opinion.

Sounds like you are making a very thoughtful effort to help him through (lavender, etc.) but know that you alone cannot change him, that change will come from his own decisions and at his own pace...facilitated, perhaps, but not controlled by you. My wife is going through the same frustrating/loving/patient/trying experience with me right now.

Every day is a winding road. How great that you care so much about each other and can navigate each day together, through good and bad.

Hold on tight to it Shoshin!

Spirit x

I just got off the phone with BB. He started to tell me about some of his nightmares. Killing people and so forth. I reminded him that I know all about how violent his nightmares are, I slept beside him. He mused at how long he'd been having them, like they had only just started because there seem worse. The poor thing has been working 10 hour days on 2 hours sleep. He's been drinking to get to sleep too. We had a discussion about self medicating Vs Alcoholism, I think he may already realise they are pretty much the same thing. I also told him about this forum. He reacted cynical at first, because he does not have compassion for himself, he thinks of anyone like himself, in a similar situation as a freak. Then about 10 minutes later, after it had settled in, he told me he thinks it's a good thing, for some understanding " he guesses", since it's anonymous etc. I briefly disccussed my new friends Shoshin and Spirit. Particularly Shoshin as you both seem identical (BB even wants to join the Army when he gets out here, much to my disapproval -- its a discussion being with held to post residency approval). I just wanted him to know how amazing I think he is, that if he's a freak, then freaks are good, coz I love them. He kind of joked " So there is a whole forum for psychos like me?" to which I said "Yep, and I've already made cyber mates with two of them".

We had a good laugh. His next goal is working out how to call me rather than "falling down" into the booze. But today being St Patrick's day he claims his blood being Irish that he has to "do it for his people". Which was meant to be a joke I think...

samsara, have BB look me up and message me if he gets on here. I would be very glad to trade messages with him, etc. if it would help. And I have been known to down a few Guinesses in honor of my Irish, too....so yeah, we might have a couple things in common

Hey samsara,

Good to see your post :-)

I am there with Shoshin, in terms of being here for your BB (he is part of our crew eh!) except for the Guiness part, of course! It will do him good to have a look around, maybe help dispell the myths he has created for himself in his PTSD world. We are all, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, lovers, employees, employers, la de la! So he will see that he is indeed just a normal guy who happens to be dealing with the complexities of life through the veil of PTSD.

Love and frienship as always, Spirit! x