Thanks guys,

I'm not too sure he would want to be reading all this stuff I have written at this stage. But in time, when he has more time for the internet I will definitely be showing him this site and encouraging him to use it.

he said some interesting this, they were of course defending his right to not have me think he is wonderful. I was explaining how I thought that given his circumstances he's very remarkable and he rebutted that this site is full of exaggerated stories. I explained how it all worked, anonymous, regimented editing, helpful reading tips and trauma diaries and he seemed curious. he later texted me with this:

" Thanks for all the energy and thought you put into a kid like me. It makes all the difference, my love..."

He also said he would embark on the plan to write down all these nightmares when he wakes from them. He said it would be rather interesting. I said it would be helpful. I don't think he'll do it though.

I am quite worried about him at present. He tells me his nightmares are worse than ever. People are asking him if he is alright as his eyes have huge dark circles around his eyes, he's working 12 hour days and barely managing any restful sleep. My two cents worth was about how I thought the nightmares were getting worse because he is now facing it all, be it because of the intense contact we have had over the past months, be it that he is realising his dreams of immigrating to Australia...These nightmares are really bad, though to me hardy surprising. He dreamed he completely killed someone the other night. I told him it's got to be symbolic, not that i would know except by instinct and intuition.

Samsara,
You and BB seem to have beaten some odds. What happened during the two years that you were apart/together...did you date other people, did he date other people? Did you concentrate on yourself? I hope all works out for you when you and he meet up again. I know first hand the heart break.

The thing is I know in my heart, gut and head that he is the right man for me. God brought us together and for some reason He has given me this challenge. I think my BF and I both need each other ~ although my BF does not know this right now.

Sisu

Sisu,

In response:

We had a complete break -- we broke up! We had a terrible break up, it lasted a month. I felt something was remiss, I started it, I pushed him, triggered his PTSD and then shit really hit the fan. It was the worst heart ache I had ever felt. I felt like I was going insane, I was an emotional wreck for at least 6 months after ward. I hit rock bottom financially, physically and mentally. But I did have other shit I did not deal with, like a marijuana addiction, a previous divorce almost ( I met BB a year after my previous 6 year de facto mentally abusive relationship), our break up was just the straw that broke the camels back.

When we broke up it was terrible, a drama of whirlwind proportions and sleepless nights. And in the final showdown (when I threw him out) he refused to admit that he didn't love me any more. I wanted him to admit it for some reason. So in answer to your question, yes we have dated several other people, hell he even started dating my house mate (who I had thrown out) after she more or less threw herself at him. We didn't speak to each other and I pretended I didn't see him if we passed each other. He even came up to speak with my brother who was standing right beside me and I just walked away, it hurt too much and I wanted him wiped. I wanted me wiped. He stalked me a little, phone call hang ups. I did the same for a bit too. About a month later I heard he left the country and that was that. I even screwed around for a bit, but that soon got boring. I sent him two emails in two years. One was to say Happy Birthday - no reply (was two months after we spilt)

And yes, I have gone through an incredible state of self growth and healing. I had counselling for some time, I got rid of my emotional toxins and now I am the happiest with myself than I have ever been.

When we first got back into contact, he told me that he lost his senses with me because I knew too much about him, he's told me too much and got paranoid I would turn on him.

Biggest lesson I learnt:

Relationships force you to really look at yourself, and if you don't like what ou see, the relationship will suffer unless you address it. THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE, EVERYONE. PTSD sufferers are quite aware of the hurt they can cause as much as they are afraid of the same hurt being inflicted on them. That is why he is protecting himself, he's trying to protect you too. Let him be for a while. Work on your self and be sure you like what you see.

Your boyfriends PTSD or PTSS ( It sounds like the later if he really hasn't had a trigger in 8 months) is a lot different to BB though. Combat PTSD and child abuse PTSD have different ways of dealing with things. They have been programmed differently for a start. So comparing BB's reactions with me to your guy make be comparing apples and pears, there are some similarities, but you know, the way BB reacts, or has acted is different. His fears are more to do with abandonment and trust in intimacy. He's not paranoid about the unknown, but he analyses every thing anyone says. He gets worried if I am brief in a text, that he has done something wrong. However the self loathing thing is prevalent in all PTSD suffers, but then it's prevalent in a lot of disorders when you look at obesity, anorexia, bi polar so...

Yeah I do think we have beaten the odds. But there is still a long road. He is really ready for it now though. And so am I, three years ago we were kids, a lot has changed, for both of us. And we spend an hour together everyday on the phone or in emails.

Tread carefully though girl. DO NOT LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT. Just do your thing for a while, look after yourself, get to know yourself, be sure you are happy with what you see.

Sisu,

In response:

We had a complete break -- we broke up! We had a terrible break up, it lasted a month. I felt something was remiss, I started it, I pushed him, triggered his PTSD and then shit really hit the fan. It was the worst heart ache I had ever felt. I felt like I was going insane, I was an emotional wreck for at least 6 months afterward. I hit rock bottom financially, physically and mentally. But I did have other shit I did not deal with, like a marijuana addiction, a previous divorce almost ( I met BB a year after my previous 6 year de facto mentally abusive relationship), our break up was just the straw that broke the camels back.

When we broke up it was terrible, a drama of whirlwind proportions and sleepless nights. And in the final showdown (when I threw him out) he refused to admit that he didn't love me any more. I wanted him to admit it for some reason. So in answer to your question, yes we have dated several other people, hell he even started dating my house mate (who I had thrown out) after she more or less threw herself at him. We didn't speak to each other and I pretended I didn't see him if we passed each other. He even came up to speak with my brother who was standing right beside me and I just walked away, it hurt too much and I wanted him wiped. I wanted me wiped. He stalked me a little, phone call hang ups. I did the same for a bit too. About a month later I heard he left the country and that was that. I even screwed around for a bit, but that soon got boring. I sent him two emails in two years. One was to say Happy Birthday - no reply (was two months after we spilt)

And yes, I have gone through an incredible state of self growth and healing. I had counselling for some time, I got rid of my emotional toxins and now I am the happiest with myself than I have ever been.

When we first got back into contact, he told me that he lost his senses with me because I knew too much about him, he's told me too much and got paranoid I would turn on him.

Biggest lesson I learnt:

Relationships force you to really look at yourself, and if you don't like what ou see, the relationship will suffer unless you address it. THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE, EVERYONE. PTSD sufferers are quite aware of the hurt they can cause as much as they are afraid of the same hurt being inflicted on them. That is why he is protecting himself, he's trying to protect you too. Let him be for a while. Work on your self and be sure you like what you see.

Your boyfriends PTSD or PTSS ( It sounds like the later if he really hasn't had a trigger in 8 months) is a lot different to BB though. Combat PTSD and child abuse PTSD have different ways of dealing with things. They have been programmed differently for a start. So comparing BB's reactions with me to your guy make be comparing apples and pears, there are some similarities, but you know, the way BB reacts, or has acted is different. His fears are more to do with abandonment and trust in intimacy. He's not paranoid about the unknown, but he analyses every thing anyone says. He gets worried if I am brief in a text, that he has done something wrong. However the self loathing thing is prevalent in all PTSD suffers, but then it's prevalent in a lot of disorders when you look at obesity, anerexia, bi polar so...

Yeah I do think we have beaten the odds. But there is still a long road. He is really ready for it now though. And so am I, three years ago we were kids, a lot has changed, for both of us. And we spend an hour together everyday on the phone or in emails.

Tread carefully though girl. DO NOT LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT. Just do your thing for a while, look after yourself, get to know yourself, be sure you are happy with what you see.

I have been reading this thread for some time with little to say.

All I can still say is this...."the things we do for love"....It's funny and often eye opening when you look back on life! They say hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Samsara,
You cannot imagine the wonderful hope and help you have given to me...and I believe many others in reading this thread. Your insight is amazing and as I read your words, my situation and his actions makes much more sense. I think when this all comes at you ~ all these different emotions ~ it is a bit overwhelming. I have a much better understanding of ptsd and understand why he says and does the things he does. It is kinda funny in a way, all sufferers of ptsd have the same vocabulary....they a lot of times say the same things. I am so thankful that I found this forum and have the outlet for my questions, concerns, etc.

BTW, how old are you?? You seem so mature and insightful. From the things that you have said, I don't think you are very old. You certainly have an old soul ~ that is a good thing. My 9 year old daughter is the same way. I sometimes am amazed at the insightful words that come out of her mouth. I wonder how a 9 year old could be so wise.

Thank you for all of your words. Please stay in touch and let me know how everything is going. I will do the same for my situation. I updated my thread about BF pushed me away. We talked at my house for 1 hour on Tuesday night. He came over and it was good. He was very open and he said he does trust me. He just thinks that he would ruin my life and he is not good enough. He told me he loved me (which I knew he still did) and that was a comfort.
Sisu

Such a wise soul

Spirit x

Update:

BB and I have briefly spoken about his nightmares a bit -- the vivid violent ones.
Main themes
He kills/murders someone with a knife, another with a gun, another dream he kills a dog, another he is killed/murdered

He said he has had the dog years for years. A black one usually. A german Shepard, then I can't remember the other ones, but they are usually ferocious dogs.

So themes were killing, murder, blood and different dogs.

Then he had to go.

This week he had two nights of good sleep (for him)
First two were when we discussed dream analysis after getting a book and looking the themes up on the internet.
Then after we spoke more about it, he had a grinding teeth night of sleep, it was awful and his room mate woke up and thought he was scratching the wall. Not such a good night, he's gotta remember to wear that mouth guard.

He's fine, he's great, he's ready. So we are going to talk about what every dream he has in more detail, I'll tape our phone convos about it and then I will look up the dreams and try and help him interpret. He says he's going to start writing finally and I believe him.

Recent text sums it up:

"For the first time ever, literally, I think I am at the basic stage of progression, I don't know why you help me, but I'm eternally loyal to you after coming back into your life.
We got lots to chat about soon..."

Every step, no matter how big or small, is a step. It is not standing still.

I am cheering for you both.

So low today. BB and I were meant to talk yesterday. But he didn't make the effort and told me to calm down a friend had flown into town from Burmuda just to see him.
The night before he was so drunk he barely remembers speaking to me.
I'm starting to freak out about the drinking, more than ever. I just don't know how I can be of assistance if he is mostly drunk, it feels like all the progress we make gets drowned in drink. I also keep feeling like he will keep fuc*ing up if he keeps drinking and Asia/Australia won't happen after all.
I wanted to cry last night, a few tears came out, but I am still quite emotionally retarded after all these years. Something happened after all those years years ago -- unless I am angry I can't cry, and that is really confusing/frustrating, because maybe I would feel better if I just allowed myself to feel really upset.