And an answer to this. Yes he has neared crossing that line. I have told him I am not interested in controlling or fixing him, I am no saviour -- I am just a good friend. Shoshin, we spoke about so much and I was telling him off for at least the first 30 minutes. I didn't want to speak to him, I was sick of hearing empty promises. I had hit a rock of the bottom and just really thought I had given up. Or not even given up, just realised, really realised, that love is not enough.
I think I scared him into the right direction this time -- the reason I think I did is because I don't even know where it all came from and I so nearly didn't bother -- I felt that helpless. I was suddenly rejecting him and he was fighting me, beating it off, promising he would never do it again, promising he never realised how much he affects me, begging me to believe him. We've never had a run in like that before. It was frightfully real, and frightfully meaningful. The next few weeks will be the deciding factor.

Shoshin, I love to hear from you, so tell me your thoughts always. Thank you my friend.

I am so glad that Shoshin has said what he has as it has given me the courage to speak up!

I have been feeling distant from you - so I asked myself , ' what is this all about Spirit', and it has been because there were things that I wanted to say to you, but felt that I could not. So rather than bull-sh*t you I have distanced myself. Avoiding confrontation, upsetting you etc etc. Which are all about me and not you!

So girl, you and I have talked about this place and discussed how Anthony approaches people, 'tough love', eh! Well I have some for you. And, my tough love is just a sounding board, an idea, a feeling I have. Call it my intution as I am too very intuitite and at times it is also like a curse. when I see people I see them, they become transparent and I can see right through. It has actually freaked my friends out too as it is almost like a psychic quality. I will expand on this another day as I have a logical explanation...

Anyway, I am rambling....this is not a judgement on you as a person at all!

Okay! You and BB.......at first your story sounded strong and wise now I am concerend! If you take away your ability to say what is healthy and what is Okay. Then your story on here is like many of the other people who have fallen for someone who is PTSD bound (for the time being anyway). You are in love with this guy and not prepared to let go! Well not just yet!

You remind me of me in so manyy ways. I call it 'talking the talk', and not 'walking the walk', you get that right?

I beleive you are as good as me in talking the talk...but that walk is almost just crawl at the moment. You are doing things that are positive for you, but in the same vein you are cancelling them out by doing other things that are just not good for your health emotionally and physically. Tell me to f-off! Tell me I am wrong. Put up a good case, I know for a fact that you can do that. Talk the talk, but I will still see through it!

Why have you connected with me? It's not just about BB it's because we are similar reflections, but you have convinced yourself that you are now walking, are you though Samsara, really truly are you? Are you serving your best interests? Are you living as you should be or do you just now know the difference and can state it clearly. They are two different things eh? Knowing and doing?

It's Okay that you know and only manage to do a liitle of what you know is best. It means you have grown and you are taking care of you! But you have so much more growth ahead of you and I just think you are re-directing that ability to grow more, onto BB.

The only good thing I ever really learned from my alcoholic <- (did I tell you I am dyslexic, I am freaking amazing eh?), step-father is this, 'you can't b*ll-shit a b*ll-shitter'! And he was bloody right!

I want to be your friend and be good for you. I believe in challenging people in order for them to actualise their true potential and not what they are settling for!

Do not settle for this Samsara, just don't, you have so much inside of you and you have already proved to yourself that you can grow, so continue. You will probably still meet BB, and you may live happily ever after and turn around and stick your v's up to me? But, at least I was honest!

Just think about what I have said before you answer if you answer at all? Look deep inside girl and pull out your truths'......they may conflict wiht my perception and that is Okay, even a pofessional b*ll-shitter can be mistaken

Sent with love and friendship

Spirt x

My friend is running late! You are so lucky eh? :-)

BB and the wagon. He can't make the promise to himself Samsara, and I can guarantee he is gonna fall! He is gonna keep falling and falling until he is ready to pick himself up! Until he sick of his own b*llsh*t! He will never mean to hurt you and it will porbably hurt him terribly to know that he has,may,will do! Your boundaries just would figure for him when he has none for himself (I know!). He will get sick of saying 'Iam sorry' and if you can hold out until then, well who knows what could happen?

I think you should be realistc otherwise you will be headed for a fall.

Look at me; started therapy (granted I have only had one session up to now, admin crap!), but, I am self aware-'talk the talk', and I do try very hard to kick my crutches out from underneath me so I can really learn to walk. However, I still fall and I don't abuse aclohol (that bloody word I will learn it while I am away, takes me ages to burn words into my longterm memory). Anyway, just be practical Samsara you cannot expect him to make promises he is not ready for yet, and he is just so not ready at the moment!

Your BB has one journey ahead of him he really does! That does not mean that you can't do it together, but be prepared for one hell of a bumpy ride and hold on tight! Because you will be challenged and all of those ghosts you have spoken of are gonna be visting you often if you are not realistic, IMHO.

Okay I am done now!

Sent with all my love, I hope you know that?

Spirit x

I know you all don't know me, yet, but I want you to know I think it is beautiful how all of you come together to support and encourage each other. I see myself in alot of the words. I had no idea the self destruction thing was a PTSD thing. I thought it was just me.
I am starting to understand how the people around me feel when I do it. Cause its breaking my heart to hear it in here, and I could hardly say I know you.
I am very conflicted about what to say. I asked my boyfriend what he thinks, being the non-PTSD in our relationship. He agrees its has its rough moments, but he wouldn't trade my brief moments of sanity for anything.
Our relationship is only 2 years old, so I wonder if he knows what he is completly in for. I was married when my trauma happened. My husband left 6 months after, moving in with a woman without my "baggage". It was tragic and horribly wounding. Mostly because I didn't see it coming at all.
My point? I guess I would encourage you to to just keep being honest with him. Communicate with him your moments of doubt. It might be hard, but it is very rewarding. I know the less surprises I have now in my relationship, the better I cope with other things.
But don't stay in just because you feel trapped. Take care of yourself, first, so that you have the strength and clarity to do everything else.
I hope some of that made sense.
It is so stressing to write these things, I so hope not to offend. Scary...
Know this is sent with the best of intentions.

Spirit,

I'm honoured by your honesty. And you're onto it. Sort of. Mostly.

As in, I was falling, losing energy, saying and thinking things I ought to, but for a moment not really believing them. See what I realised is, I need to be honest about how I feel about this.

But today, I am am back to normal. I promise you I am. I actually don't feel anything either way. I'm not yearning to hear from him, I wouldn't mind if I did. All I know is, my life (head) is OK again. It's been an emotional manic week, I allowed it to get to me worse than I should have, but hey, I figure better to sort through these feelings now, before I'm in far too deep again. You were right, I know how to control my approach, but for some reason I felt rebellious against it this week. Like I said, something in me really wanted to know what that heart ache was so I faced it.

"Why have you connected with me? It's not just about BB it's because we are similar reflections, but you have convinced yourself that you are now walking, are you though Samsara, really truly are you? Are you serving your best interests? Are you living as you should be or do you just now know the difference and can state it clearly. They are two different things eh? Knowing and doing?"

I strongly feel I am walking. And sometimes, I am limping. I know in my every day life that I am walking. I can see it everywhere, and in everyone I know. This situation with BB is a lot trickier to walk in. It's more like limping all the time. It's the fact that there is no physical being within the equation. The 'not really knowing for sure' bit that sends me whacky. One thing I know for sure, long distance relationships are awful.

But it is through this, you making me think about it, that I realise a few things. I have just got to have faith and feel the fear for the next 6 weeks. And realistically it's only four weeks, I'll know by my back account balance if it will be going ahead. The thing is, my honesty about this situation is brutal, of course you want to protect me, most people lie to themselves, I am not, you know this. I was close to calling it quits. BB is on his last life with me. He knows this. And I know it will spin me into a huge pain of hell if I decide to let him go if he stuffs up (communication wise) again.
I'm ex music industry, I can handle a few rough nights, but bullshit I cannot. And I want you to tell me off r tell me your opinion, whenever you like. Sometimes we'll agree, sometimes, we won't, and sometimes like today, we'll see it all in the middle.

He doesn't bullshit to me. He knows it's impossible, even white lies, he's in awe of how I catch them. He avoids me rather than tells me, I know this craft very well, I wrote the book on it.
In any case, he's well aware.

I had a very serious chat to BB last night, and I explained how I felt -- in full. I also let him know that I know he has been drinking, and that I don't want any part of that decision (to stop). He said he's been cutting back. And I told him I don't really want to hear about it either way.
He needs to focus on the plan, if he drinks too much and looses focus then I have no control over that.
The promise I need him to keep is that of contact -- communication.
The drinking thing, well, I can't do anything about that, but I know I am fine as long as I know where he is at -- good or bad. (And I am walking the walk here missey).

See there has been a turn of events in his application, he's allowed to come straight here while it's processed and until a decision has been made.
I had concerns about this because I don't want him here before we have our time one on one in Asia for at least a few weeks.
He gets it, and I get it. If Asia doesn't happen -- we don't happen.
This is the way I see it, I will know in 6 weeks time. I will know if he can want something enough to get it in six weeks time.
Until then, I gotta let it go. I woke up today and knew I had let it go (the wonder, will he, won't he make it?)-- for now.

In any case, he's asked for my support, and I will give it to him. But I'm not gona lay down and die for him. Ever.

I'm relying on you guys to remind me that is what I am doing.

Hey!

I have felt sick while I have been away fearing your reaction to my thoughts. It's new territory to me, this being honest!

I am gald you have responded the way you have! I turly hope that BB and you do make it! I connected with your story intially because my realtionship of 3 years had not and I believe that a lot of that was down to my PTSD behaviours and not understanding what that was or that I even had it.

You love him and he loves you and I hope that your love and honesty does carry you both forawrds to a new place.

You are aware it is going to be tough and that is the most important aspect to all of this, no illusions!

You are strong and lovely.

Spirit x

Welcome to our circle. Come by and add your thoughts at any time. If you have questions ask them! I feel graced that yet another beautiful soul has reached out to us. Your partner sounds wonderful and although you seem a little burnt, you sound safe, like you're being allowed to grow finally.
Welcome, feel welcome.

Yeah but you did it, and that's how I roll. After your messages, I fell more deeply in appreciation for our friendship Spirit. So thank you, and never double think your opinion with me, it will always be taken with respect and understanding.

I've really connected with you. We'll be friends a long time. I'll even text you when I am in Vietnam to let you know what's going down, though I am told email access is OK.

I knew you were distant, it's been a full on week carrying me, and you shared the burden for a moment. And I thank you earnestly.
And honestly, if you were not there at that moment that you were, well... I dunno, but I'm glad you were.

Haha! I called my mum on Friday to find out where my birth cert was, I was under some delusion induced by the post office people that I needed it to renew it. Anyway, I call my mum, she's in the hair dressers and that always puts her in 'queen' mode. Anyhow, I tell her I'm sorting my passport and she's straight away says:

"So, is 'whatsimajig' still paying for your ticket?
"mum you know his name, don't be a bitch"
*insert mum sarcasm here*
"no I don't, what is it, I have buried it deep in my mother memory, I'm allowed"
"ok, yeah well, 'whatsimajig' is still paying for my ticket, yes."

What a di*khead!

I got off the phone and found myself laughing at what an eloquent bitch she is, probably laughing because I am so much like her. So I went out into the living room, where my brother in law was and told him and he cracked up.

See I have new news ( she does not know about), BB will be coming straight to Australia after Asia, before we didn't know he could be onshore for his application, and now we have found out he can come on a tourist visa and leave to reenter when the visa status changes. Anyhow, what does this essentially mean to this story?


My mum is an ex nurse, and to be frank, it's the PTSD that turn them off him (though they didn't know about it until we were breaking up). It's true, they are worried I will have another break down, or whatever. They are just very conservative. Though the funny thing is, my mum, she actually connected with him. Though I remember her asking about his mum on Christmas day, I just remembered that just then, he was helping her with the food, I came in to get some wine glasses and I heard her ask about his mum.

She knows I love him. No one should ever try to dissuade you from loving someone based on their own judgment and desires, they only have the right if that person is hurting you. And despite this past week, BB makes me happier than I was the day before.

I’m going into this wide eyed and with faith. But I don’t want to hold onto vulnerable feelings from the past, feelings I have gotten over, feelings that are no longer valid as things have changed, we’ve grown and learnt a lot.

So today I emailed my mum:

Hi Mum,

I just wanted to let you know something, because you seem like you are going to make it a bit difficult for me to talk to you about it. And to be honest, there is no one in the world who understands me more than you, except for BB.

I still love BB, and you already know this because you know me, very well -- I am certainly, emotionally my mothers daughter and I am proud of this.

But know this, I am no longer the mixed up emotional wreck I once was. I thank you so much for being the wonderful you and helping me pull myself out of that shit I was in and helped me put a smile on my face.

But I am fine now, fine but for 3 years I have not stopped thinking about the connection I had with BB. I tried to put it away, but I can't. And if I could I would. The thing is he didn't do anything wrong to me, he just has severe anxiety, PTSD, and he is a beautiful person in spite of all that has happened to him. He helped me grow a lot, that's why it hurt so much when I realised what I had done -- what I had lost.

Don't forget it was BB that pushed me into therapy, BB who showed me love and sanctuary when I thought no-one on earth could ever understand, BB who came to meet you even though he has never had a family of his own and was scared, petrified but wanted to meet you, to see where I came from, to see where he was going.

But he was young and so was I. We are still connected, it's like we met in another life. He's a man now. I need to find out. I can feel it, I love this man, he has helped me in so many ways and he continues to teach me as I teach him. Every day he pulls me closer. You need to realise that even if it doesn't work out the way I am hoping -- he will always be a close friend. You need to accept that and remember that you quite liked him, I remember. You guys, in the short space you spent together connected.

Yeah we had a crazy break up, we also had some crazy people in our lives and we were taking crazy drugs and partying too much and I was in denial about the mental abuse from *enter ex’s name here*.

But don't worry, I am a different woman this time, I have my boundaries and I have a harness on my wisdom, and am very appreciative of what I have learnt.

So now, I'm going to find out if BB and I are truly soul mates -- twin flames, as we seem to believe we are.

I want you to trust me. Be the honest and loving mother you have always been, but please don't be nasty or insensitive, it makes me want to withdraw from you and I don't want to ever do that again. I liked the chat we first had about this. I am happy for you to say how you feel, as long as it is objective and not protective.

We're friends and mother and daughter. I love you, I am proud of you and I have control over my life thanks to your wonderful guidance and parenting.

So trust me, I'm fine, but also, be honest without being scary.

Her reply:

It's OK, you do what you have to do. You are only on loan from God to me and I have let go...sort of. You are very special to me and I just want you to love you first before you can love anyone else. I have my gut feelings and not quite sure where this coming from. I am honest and never speak up only when I have too. This may be coming from a protective mother, the Holy Spirit within me or I that I don't want you to go through any more negative relationships that will hold you back from using the gifts that God has given you.

I have not been nasty, just honest. I did forget BB's name, not rude, just forgot for whatever reason. I don't always remember all of your friends nor *sister* and especially *brother*. Be careful not to take things personally.

Anyway snookums, be good and keep taking steps forward, which I know you are doing. See you next month, I hope. Fares very expensive at the moment. Keep an eye out for me.

Love you heaps
From your very outspoken Mummy. Xxxooo

Gosh she sounds so religious doesn’t she? Ha, she’s not really a preacher, but I guess that’s the best way she can describe how she’s feeling.

My reply:

I do love me first Mum, I really really do.

Your gut reaction is your urge to protect me -- you're my mum.

Your gut reaction is your not being used to me being open with you. I never have before, until after the fact.

Your gut reaction is the unknown about me, the new girl who has shed all that crap from the past. I feel great, I really really do. I look in the mirror and I smile at myself these days, I feel overjoyed at how far I have come. Life is not a struggle any more, I'm dealing with what ever comes my way. And you're my hero. You really, really are.

I didn't take THAT personally, I actually laughed when I got off the phone. But today when I got my passport approved in my email it got me thinking. And I thought well, it's about to happen, lets clear the communication lines.

Know this, I always want you to speak up, but speak up with faith that you have taught me well and that I now know myself much better than yesterday.

I don't want to sugar coat things so they taste nice when I give them to you, you'll know if it's bitter underneath anyway.

Yep see you soon.

And it's true. And now I feel stronger. What a burden truth can be if it's captured in your brain without an escape.

So yes, now I feel like I am creating my positive world -- I'm in control of it. And if I fall down tomorrow, then I'll laugh and get back up, cognisant that i am human.

I have to keep the faith, I have to keep creating a positive reality.

Argh, six weeks, 46 days left. That's it 46 days.

And yet a whole 21 days until I am sure BB will make the bank.
I can feel that he will. I can feel it, I feel it all. I wana feel that light from his eyes shining down on me again, I don't have to tell you how welcome it will be.

You sound strong, clear headed, positive.

I admire those things in you.