I am very confused on how and why i am acting the way that i am. I have been reading a lot on this forum before i decided to join it and express my own problems. When i came home from my deployment, i felt like i was fine and that there was no problem with me at all, but deep down inside i knew that i was different now. Over the last 3 and a half years i have been slowly but surely turning into a monster that is out of control. I am at the point where i am afraid of lashing out.

wow, i didn't get pissed and want to break the computer. Anyways, i was saying that my anger has slowly but surely begin to take over my life. Is this normal for people with ptsd to do this, i mean seriously, this is ridiculous. I get angry over the wind blowing my hat up, then i will trip and curse out in my head, and even out loud too. Then i actually become engulfed in rage that i tripped. I know that i don't act this way to an extent in front of everyone because if i did i would not have friends or a job, i am surprised that my marriage is still afloat. If we didn't have a baby together i can probably promise that we would not be together. I hate to say that but if i was her i wouldn't want to deal with me either.

The bottom line is this, I am at a point where i can not control my anger. (Although i do not get physically violent and i do not in any way abuse my family, i don't physically fight others either. I still can not find it in me to control this rage in me!!!!!). I verbally take my anger out on others and i feel like i need a physical release, i break things in our fights and its so hard to calm down, i don't know how or why i even do calm down. My wife went as far as to ask me if i think that i have 2 personalities, she can see it in my face when i go from angry to totally out of control rage. any more i seem to be more irritated all the time, i am trying to find my trigger but it is everything. I read that to try to calm yourself down by breathing deeply, If i did that i would walk around taking deep breaths all day. I do it a lot already.

I now know that i need help and that i have a problem thanks to my fights and my family. But why can't i not understand my own feelings? What i mean by this is that when i get mad and upset or if i feel as though i am being attacked (Basically every confrontation i have,insignificant or not, i fight it). i feel like there is a wall in my head that is not letting me see or feel my own feelings. I know what love and hate are, I love my son with all my heart. I love my wife with all my heart, but unfortunatly she is the one who has been taking all of my anger. Right now i am in a really bad spot, i am becoming depressed because of my actions, i tend to pull away from friends and family more,(probably because i am always walking around with this chip on my shoulder, and they see me down and want me to explain myself.)

Just in case you were wondering why this probably seems all scattered, its because i never grew out of my ADHD. That is my next question too. Can and does adhd have an affect on my ptsd? I have a horrible memory, i suffer from cms (can't remember s**t ). I have an appt with a counselor from the va this week, i really hope it will help. I just want my life back and i m afraid that i might be angry for the rest of mylife like my grandfather. He died an angry man, my dad told me recently that i am acting the same way that my grandfather acted when he came home from WWll, i really don't want to be confused and pissed until i die like he did. The only difference between me and my grandfather is, is that i don't think my wife will stick around like my grandmother did if i don't straighten out. God help me.

You might want to read understanding PTSD, as that answers both your questions.

Well - Grunt 80 welcome. You came to the right place.

I came home from The Nam, had a nightmare and then started out cool. Progressively things came apart . . . job, finances, divorce, typical.

Its an individual thing but my angry monster took about ten or fifteen to make its appearance, my main symptoms were panic attacks, anxiety, disassociation and insomnia.

So I'd say it's a progressive thing . . especially considering ya get back to the world and everything is changed around ya. You've changed, the horrors of what you saw and did are repressed 'cause ya repressed them when you were fighting so you could survive and continue to fight. So those feelings of horror eat away at ya, breaking you down mentally. Then the anger of all the stupid shit the brass had ya doing, and seeing buddies blown away, or friendlies blown up at a check point, or friendlies beheaded by the insurgents, that starts breaking through . . . but the stimulus for it is long gone. Very confusing for all of us who go through it.

I just lost about half a great post from the 10 minute limit. Would it be possible to get a pop up with a warning on that 10 minutes?

Thanks

PS I usually use a text pad and then past to the editor on the forum.