Mercy, May the people that did that to you burn in Hell!! If there is no Hell someone should make one and throw them into it.

Peace to you!! :)
Void

I couldn't vote in the poll because I don't know which of many events is the culprit. So many to choose from and so many were as bad as the were mainly because I wasn't smart enough to know what was going on, that people do bad things, that people would betray a friend and nobody told me what a tornado was or what to do if I found myself in the middle of one. I wasn't allowed to question authority - that meant everyone older than me and everyone was older than me. It wasn't so much that people did bad things to me, but that they were oblivious to how little I knew. They assumed I knew things I had no knowledge of. Want an example? Here's a good one: I asked my mom where babies come from. I was 14 or 15. I had no clue. My mom answered without a pause, "From love." She did not elaborate. I had no reason to question such a direct answer. But then I wondered. And I wondered. I recall telling classmates that i thought I was pregnant. After all, I love my mom and I love my dog and I love my bike... You see where that went. And people always assumed I knew more than I did, that I was much more active than I ever was and that I really had no clue.

It all started with this neighborboy who wanted to play home 8I was around four to six, before school, he was a preteen or a teen, can´t remember) and when you are a husband and wife you do waht adults do at night. I didn´t know what that was so he showed me. I didn´t like it, started crying and my grandmom heard that and sort of saved me I guess.
In town I had another neighborboy who wanted to do what adults do, but with him it was more like playing doctor, although I did felt very suffocated. He was around my age.

(There is some morals in this you know - do not have an intercourse in front of your children - its not good for them)

Second was mental abuse mostly feom home and school. At home there was my father who in my opinion suffers from PTSD himself (his stepfather had a drinking problem and from what I have heard he did not hold back on physical punishment). So the microclimate at home was very very tense, you never knew when he would have an outburst. He completely trashed the place twice. Talked to us when there was something negative to say and he motivated the way you lost the will to do anything at all. Which he didn´t like either. Though he is trying now and has gotten a whole lot better.

Mom has always been soft and quiet nice person, but it dose not help to hear as a child that she has specific order for people and you are not the first in it. Lets say around seven or eight years.

My brother has been sexually interested in me as long as I can remeber and we did some stuff when we were little, but at least in his case I know he would never do anything to me without permission. So I don´t know how rational it is to be uncomfortable about that.

In school I was quiet and tall and had a very dominant "friend". So basically it all adds up to about ten years of constant tension and fear. And after that ended it still left a fear of men and some serious difficulties in communication skills. Which I´m working on.

I was a victim of a violent crime. Shot in the face by a man on the freeway. He smiled as he did it, so yeah, he was definitely to blame. He was a perfect stranger to me.

I know he'd never make amends. He smiled. Besides, he was never caught for the crime.

I wasn't sure what to choose, I chose 'person seemed deranged'.

I'm talking about my father whom I thought for years must have narcissistic personality disorder. Which is a diagnosis that does not allow, if I understood correctly, for any change or improvement.
However my father did change at old age, and a few years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD. He's is MUCH more mild, friendly and understanding these days. I guess that having a severe heart attack had to do with that, maybe made him realize a few things about life and how he wants to live it... Beside that he finally did begin to talk about his trauma.

I think he 'behaved badly' because he was simply not aware that his (very angry) responses to little triggers were not 'normal'. They were normal to him.

I grew up thinking his behavior was normal too, but being unable to deal with it. I was hospitalized with a big breakdown/psychosis at the age of 24. I was diagnosed bipolar after that. It's only recently that my psychiatrist tells me she thinks PTSD is part of the story. So I may have PTSD because my father did. She says his behavior traumatized me.

Freya

there's a few...

- mother - tried to drown me as a toddler and changed her mind - escalated from there to chronic verbal and physical abuse - has done nothing wrong, so will never change

- mother's friend/boarder -repeatedly raped me when i was 5 or 6 - my mother approved. he will never change

- a coke dealer my father was friends with - one minor sexual assault when i was almost 8 - a wife beater who doesn't need to change

- creepy old man, friend of my father and approved by my mother - just liked to hug and go for long hug walks - clearly dead by now, so no need for change

- my best friend in high school raped me one night when i was too ****ed up on drugs to even move a finger - i got him back by doing the same while he was on acid - change - yeah - we accepted each other for who we were and always will.

- the guy i call 'biopop' because he's my son's bio, although he doesn't see him or pay child support. this guy repeatedly raped me and when i was out cold, sodomized me until i bled. also beat the living shit out of me often, even at work in front of witnesses, and strangled me several times until he thought i was dead. the priest who counselled us said he was paul bernardo in the making, so NO, there will never be any change.

- manager at work - tried to drag me into the staff room for sex - i fought, sustained injuries, and he plead guilty in court to assault... no need to change, it was my fault for calling the cops.

- coke dealer - mental abuse that coincided with his withdrawals and paranoia. course, i was just as nasty. he did his best.

- suddenly i came to realize after the coke dealer thing went bust that my father, who always put the living fear into us mentally, was a big abuse as well.

- a soldier in my own unit tried to rape me but i fought - he later did admit that it was his own fault, and so we carried on...

- i was a pedestrian who lost against a truck - the driver himself was very traumatized and it was clearly an accident.

- my ex - the only guy i ever felt anything for - mental abuse was so bad that i was on the verge of suicide when i walked away - bipolar - change? yeah, he's capable of it - if he is back on his meds and counseling.

- 5 males attacked my place for 4 hours with the intent to gang rape - while there were holes in the steel door, they miraculously weren't able to knock it down - change? no, i don't blame them, because rape, neglect, beatings - it's all they know...

- me - booze, drugs, sex, annorexia, self-harming, neglect... PTSD - change? one day at a time...

My brother molested me. Poor ($) family, tried to hide it, spent 35 years "protecting" his future until I wanted to talk about it, then booted out of the family. I can come back if I admit I was wrong to bring it up and never mention it again. No way. making it alone.

Father tried to kill my mother, guess I'd count that one. fist and guns... whoowee, redneck fun

boyfriend thought I was playing when I said no, screamed no- no cops

Ex-husband began grabbing my shoulders and arms when I became too frustrating, and yes, I was frustrating, brought back MASSIVE fear from long dug and covered wholes of anxiety and suppressed tears. Also tripped me on the stairs, hurt my head and arm pretty bad. Made lots of excuses, but had to break my own heart and leave him.

Friend thought cheering me up when my dog was ill, and I specifically said I just needed a friend to help me through my dog's illness attacked me. called the cops. both were extremely traumatic.

Learned lessons: home safe/ no one visits my home; carry mace; get feeling of being unsafe- leave situation, don't share details w/ friends
Working on: how not to run away all the time, deal with perceptions that may be unreal, bond with people, letting people in my life and let them know i have ptsd and what that means, leaving my "2 year old self" at home when I go out (coping)

Which one? My first step dad was an alcoholic. And he was mean to us all.
The second was a pedophile. My mom's boyfriends were perverts. (I don't think I met a man of that generation that wouldn't have taken advantage of any little girl if given the opportunity! And I don't believe it was just the booze that made them do it!) My first ex was an alcoholic, drug addict and porn addict. And a preachers son to boot! (Loved having religion used to beat me over the head with, too) Second ex was a cheat and a liar. Third... oh, this is perfect... he is a sociopath. No conscience. I had no clue "what" I had been married to until after I got away from him! Drug dealer, (I was a sheriff's deputy!!!) pedophile, cheat, thief, liar, indescribably evil person. And in a small town... I was 'guilty' by association. But, no one believed what he did, after I found out and told them. It's a long story, and he was the one who pushed me over the edge. Ruined the relationships with all of my famliy members with his lies. Enter PTSD! How nice.

My father was miserable. He had the sweet job and the sweet house, great wife 2 kids. Then he had a heart attack and union shoved him in a job he hated. He drank every Friday, it continued all weekend while he tortured me. I don't think it was entirely his fault though. His father came back from world war 2 a little deranged. He was very young when he died but all he remembered was his father chasing his mother around the kitchen table and being taught what household chemicals did to the human body. He turned his knowledge on me. I don't think he thought I was his kid, I also think that he treated me as a symbol of my mother's pride for her family (since I resemble my mother's side much more) I always started the fights with him though. I would provoke him so that he would not hurt my brother or my mother. He hurt her in deeper ways though, I later came to realize. The closet I was often padlocked into was in her bedroom- she would hear me every night if I cried or tried to call out for help. Soon I made no noises at all, for her sake.

It's hard to answer this poll for me because I had multiple traumas at different periods in my life. Each was different. So I responded with the actions associated with the worst trauma and the root cause of my PTSD.

This poll leads to another thought or doubt that I often think about. Do I have the inability to read people. Am I unable to distinguish correct treatment from improper treatment. What was 'normal' to me was abuse. So what is normal?

This is a really scary thought and the basis of distrust for me. How can I ever be sure again? Why even try and place myself at risk again - would I survive the next time (mentally)?