Yeah that makes sense, thanks. I guess I'm thinking about it logically moreso than emotionally. I'm more of a logical person and I forget to consider my emotions or the emotions of others.

Well...I guess I would be considered to be in the "early stages," (even though it has been 10 years). I date all the time, even though it is difficult given the extent of my trauma. However, even though some may call me "ill" or "damaged," I am a person...a young woman who wants what many other women (and men) want: love. I, too, wish to have a husband and children in the near future, and I don't want the PTSD or anything else for that matter to take this dream away.

As for why someone would choose to date me...hmm...Well, I don't go into my life's story on the first date...or second for that matter. It's not that I am trying to trick a guy into thinking that I'm 100% normal--after all, everyone has issues--but I want him to see that I am a funny, honest, successful young woman...and then, when I feel it is time, I will slowly tell him about the difficult stuff. While I have had guys get freaked out and/or leave, the good ones tend to stick around :-)

nic

LOL I think anyone can admit that when in love.. no matter how deeply felt.. your mind tends to turn to mush along with you heart! Most of the times.. this is a good thing. If you over rationalize everything and everyone I think you would miss out on many beautiful things in life. I truly believe it is better to love and lose love.. then to never have experienced love at all.

Just as Kathy mentioned, I had to really ask myself why.

I met my (now ex?) boyfriend a couple years ago. We've been on and off, largely bc of untreated ptsd (he just started treatment about 6 mos ago). It surfaced several months after we started dating - after we'd already fell in love. I moved 1000 miles away (bc of plans I'd made before I met him) and that only served to complicate the issue. But, we stayed connected, and I dealt with the on/off because I said that I loved him "sooooo" much.

Well, guess what? Sometimes "love" - or whatever that binding thing is - isn't enough. I told myself that if I really loved him, that I'd do anything. Well, that's just too ridiculous. That's the crap Hollywood feeds us.

In short, I realized my why wasn't good enough. Yes, I care. But, he DOESN'T have anything to give. I've been the one to do pretty much everything...after he initiates a little, of course. And, before I know it, I've been doing all the work. So, I've washed my hands of it. I wish him the best of luck. But, when someone is so dyfunctional that they can't even respond to a text message asking to just message anything, that you just want to know if they're ok... well, that says it all for me. I don't need and/or want a one sided relationsihp anymore.

Hmm well I guess my problem is too, I've never been in love, so I probably don't understand that aspect of it at all. And Nic, welcome to the forum and I'm sorry if I've sounded insensitive, I think it's good you're able to date and I don't consider you or myself "damaged". Just I don't get why people would want to date someone who was really ill. I still don't get it really, but I do thank everyone for their answers, it has given me some insight.

Anthony and I had a discussion about this topic last night and the following points came up:

• When you initially start dating someone you do not see them all the time which gives a PTSD suffer the opportunity to hide the full extent of their illness if they so choose.
• Knowing someone has PTSD and then reading about it still doesn't give a person a true understanding of what they are getting themselves into.
• People sometimes get confused with 'supporting' and 'fixing'.
• Define untreated....there are varying levels of PTSD. What happens if someone has PTSD and doesn't know it at the point when they start dating someone?
• Say a suffer starts dating and is fine and finding the situation enjoyable then the relationship takes the next step where the other persons has greater expectations eg. "Can you drop in the shop and get me milk on the way over" and that added stress triggers the PTSD suffer?

There is more I would like to discuss as I found this an interesting topic. Unfortunately work calls........

Just my two cents into this topic... I believe it has something to do with sex + some partners feel they need to "care" for another person and that their "caring" will give them some reward or greater feeling, when in fact they find quite different through experience... emotional abuse instead.

Great thread here. Thanks Bat Girl. It has made me think from many different perspectives, and reframe my thoughts.

2 years ago, I started dating a great guy; I would say the sweetest man I had ever met. After 6 months he was getting slightly apathetic in the relationship and admitted that it was probably connected to the traumatic event which had occurred years earlier. I had wrongly assumed my friend had come to terms with his trauma as much as could be expected. i had not educated myself about PTSD at that time, obviously.

He agreed to go to therapy to work on this for his own sake- but also to help the relationship. Neither of us expected the hell that was to result from this treatment. I guess he was in denial at that stage, and I was just stupid.

I assumed we were in it for the long haul, and did my best to support. But my friend's character changed so drastically that i don't know who he is right now. I don't think he does either. But, I still see beyond his symptoms and coping mechanisms and feel a sense of unconditional love for him- he is still that really wonderful human being even though he is ill.

At the same time, I know that I can't be close with him, because it causes us both too much pain. Because of this, I can't wait for him, but I will always support and care for him.

I disagree Nyc. How can you be stupid when you were uniformed? It is not stupid to find out something that hurts you; it is only stupid if you realise you are in a relationship that brings you mainly pain and you stay and complain about it. You made a smart decision by looking after yourself and removing yourself from the hurt while still being friendly and supportive as best as the situation allows. Well done I say!

Sometimes people change and things affect them so that they will never be the same. The person you dated is no longer the person he is now..........it is as simple as that and has nothing to do with stupidity

It is far more likely that a co-dependent person will leave their partner because they are emotionally drained than because their partner healed. This was the case in every co-dependant relationship I have ever witnessed or heard of. Two reasons...

1) often times the sufferer (whether it's someone who has PTSD, an abuser, an alcoholic, etc, etc) is enabled by the co-dependent person and has no reason to get better
2) just because someone heals doesn't mean you don't love them any more

Also I don't agree with it being about a sense of purpose or feeling needed. Regardless of what unresolved issue caused the initial attraction, a co-dependent person in a long term relationship will likely tell you that they are in love and care deeply for the other person.

And as many have pointed out, you have no idea that someone is ill when you are first getting to know them. I don't know of any co-dependent person that goes searching for an abuser.