I read it over again last night...sitting on the couch and my roommate was with me...she asked a few questions and that didn't even make me uncomfortable. It feels good to not feel soooooo ashamed anymore..at least I am not blaming myself anymore. I have finally realized that so many things in my life were very wrong and yes I made a lot bad decisions but I didn't have a lot of guidance or was so closed off and in denial and so mistrusting of others that I kind of did my own thing. Even though i made bad decisions, I made good ones too. Now.....I try to really think before I do things or make huge decisions for my life.

It saddens me that life has made me so mistrusing of others. For years I felt like a freak and probably called myself that 100 times per day...definately not healthy and a terrible thing to think about myself. This forum has helped me to realize that I am not alone in having a very challenging life and upbringing but my thoughts.....I feel the change. I know a year ago....I never had a positive thought in my mind. Through a lot of writing and reading it is almost like I can feel a change in my thought processes. That was hard work. I know I am doing it. When I try to helpothers here or give advice...I think I make good points......so now I just have to continue to think better....if I pretend I am talking to someone else it seems easier. I was so down on myself and soooooo self loathing....my therapist told me to listen to myself now...pretend I am taking care of a patient or another person and then use that in my own life. I don't know why this seems to have helped but it does and has. So now I have to continue to work on being my own friend. It is actually truly amazing me how much i have changed in the last year.I would be so much further ahead if I didn't have this damn back injury. I have to be proud of myself...dealing with my past.....trying to manage my present.....and NOT worry so much about the future and the feeling of a foreshortened future. I can live with PTSD.....now that I am managing it. I know I am because I am doing it......NOW just to get my addiction more in control if that s possible. I also need to become a better advocate for myself...if I had a friend going through what i am going through right now.....what would I tell them?????? You need better treatment options...a better doctor....less medications.....ask more questions...ask for help...don't be so stubborn....your health is really failing and I am the only one that can take the steps to make it better. I guess....i really have not liked me for a long time. So....I know I have more work to do. My plan.....be my friend....my own best friend...be my own advocate...care enough about myself to care enough to want to live. I haven't cared for a really long time. I am not suicidal....I just am finally starting to care about myself and i haven't felt that way in a long time. I pray to god that I have not already done irreparable damage to my internal organs...So anyone reading this please say a little prayer for me. I am going to give myself one month to get things more in order and to be honest with myself....I will need alot of support in the next little while...I have got to get things more in control. I deserve it and so does my son.

Pandora, even though I don't know you, I am really proud of what you just wrote about yourself. Keep up the good work.

Thanx Tude that was a really sweet thing to say.

Pandora,
well done with all your hard work. It's great that you can see your progress, and share it with us. It's good to read about your success, and certainly gives me hope.
You do make good points and give sound advice. I like the idea of pretending you are talking to someone else. I am way harder on myself, than I ever would be to others. I someone had a similar story to mine, would I hate them, or blame them, or think they were broken? No way! I will have to try to adopt this method myself!
Thanks Pand, and well done. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength, and that your physical health improves.