I had one of those Augusten Burroughs childhoods. Just weird, and lots of bad stuff, and lots of abuse and boundary violation... frightening stuff.

As an adult, I've managed (like a lot of you) to be "high-functioning," and to have good friends and a good career.

However, I've always avoided relationships. Or, I've had brief relationships, or ambiguous relationships, or "best friendships" with gay guys, etc.

Now, thanks to years of therapy and challenging my fears, I'm in a relationship with a sweet, loving, gentle guy. And guess what? It triggers the *** out of me!! I've told him about my PTSD and my experiences. He doesn't have PTSD, and he doesn't know terror, but he does stay connected and attentive and warm when I express terror. One of my favorite things about him is that he lives safe because he IS safe. I'm still working on showing him the full spectrum of my internal stuff. I fight against the urge to present my "public face" to him. I'm so scared of showing him all my ups and downs. And yet, I feel that if I don't, I'm living a lie. I don't want to do that to me OR him.

More than half of the time I'm fine, even able to feel strong, loving feelings. The rest of the time I am frightened, can't think straight, can't breathe. Trying to imagine how "normal" people would act and imitating that. I hate it. I feel like my crazy parents are still robbing me long after I escaped.

How do people work toward safe intimacy? Big question, but I know it can be done, and I don't know what to do when I feel like I have crazy stuff inside. How do you show yourself fully without scaring the other person? How do you show your ups and downs, as much as they make no apparent sense? (E.g., today, I saw an ad for a child who needed to be adopted, and I just felt so sad... to which he said, "Aw, don't worry, he'll get a home!" And my thoughts were, 'so many children are growing up sad-->the world is not safe--> i'm not safe--->how do i tell you that i'm not safe when it doesn't match the situation?)

I'm so glad I found this site!

Welcome to the forum...

Hi mullyc. I, too struggle with this...A LOT! It sounds like you found yourself a great guy. Whenever I find someone whom I want to "keep," I'm always afraid I'll scare him off. BUT, at the same time I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not. Like you, I tend to slowly discuss my past. Getting to know a person takes time...perhaps a lifetime. Just as a guy might not know the DETAILS about EVERY good thing that has happened in my life, I don't typically share EVERY detail about ALL the crap that I've gone through. Now that's not to say that I won't share this in due time...but I don't I need to share EVERYTHING all at once.

As for the intamacy part, that too will come in time. First off, I hate the term "normal," because what IS that? Is there anyone who is 100% normal? I know plenty of people without PTSD who also have intamacy issues. The real issue is for YOU (and him) to feel comfortable. If you don't, try telling him what he can do to make you more comfortable, eg. give you space, hold you, etc.. (In other words, don't leave him guessing or wishing he had ESP.) You don't need to share exactly what you're thinking at every moment (or exactly where these thoughts come from), just as long as you are communicating your NEEDS, and he understands these.

Take care,
nic

Welcome to the forum.

I have often wondered this myself. I like nic's advice.

Welcome to the forum...

I just wanted to say welcome to the forum...this is something that I have to learn too.....I hope you find the answers you need and i hope it all works out for you.

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks, everyone. Nic, thanks for the advice. I think the biggest part for us abuse survivors is how to relate to others with healthy boundaries, and you offered me some guidelines for that. i am not glad to have PTSD, but I'm glad I found a community where I can talk to my peeps.

nic offers some great advice above. i wrote a thread here about being in love with a very beautiful man with ptsd. He has a similar background to you. Maybe if you read it, it may help you a little. I started the thread so I could both sort out my thoughts, get some perspective from sufferers in a similar situation and perhaps help some other people too.

I too am fortunate enough to come from a background which is loving and 'safe'. In having said that, because we (carers) have little experience when entering these relationships, we sometimes make our own mistakes that come with the territory of getting involved with someone intimately. eg: silly games, paranoia, selfishness, bad communication, assumptions(particularly about the opposite sex). What I am saying is that, even though we are not sufferers and even though we have a great capacity for love and compassion -- we still make mistakes in love. Get me? Allow for that. In having said that, after learning about ptsd in a lot more detail, and learning about myself has cut out these obstacles we once had and I am able to communicate my love for him openly, though he sometimes finds it hard to understand or believe -- most of the time he concedes that it is making him stronger.

And my love is only now starting to embrace that love as something he deserves. When I say embrace, there is a long road, and I love and believe in him and we are really starting to make headway with how we express ourselves. Also, just like anyone, ptsd or not, you don't have to share everything with your partner, but it is fair to share feelings that will have a direct affect on his feelings and interactions with you and your relationship. Make sure you ask him how he is feeling, especially when you are feeling down. You'd be surprised at how much you both start to understand each other.

welcome to the forum.