Well said. A relationship takes two. Sometimes people, regardless of PTSD are selfish and just want things their way. If you set boundaries and commend respect, the communication will follow, which is only fair and the sufferer realises it makes their life easier too.

As someone who has experienced and gained a lot ( good and bad) in relationships I can only say this, Yes PTSD makes things difficult for a relationship, but so do a lot of things. How difficult depends on how maturely you approach it and how honest you are with yourself about what you want from the relationship. Both parties need to be wanting the same thing. You have to want someone first and foremost, not NEED them. Need comes after want.

You can form a healthy and supportive one if the communication is there. You shouldnt be kept wondering all the time and you can't confuse your sufferer deliberately -- no games. Depending on the type of PTSD, depending on the maturity level of both parties it can be an amazing thing.

The danger of getting involved with the sufferer through guilt and compassion will place damage on you. You should be looking out for yourself, because if you are not strong, you 'aint no good to no body.

Be careful about getting compassion confused with intimate care and love. No one can save anyone except themselves, no one should feel sorry for sufferers, they should be loved like the next person, but a relationship is equal parts responsibility, or there is actually no point.

I'm new here, but not to a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I'm also middle aged, so I have had relationships with people who did not have PTSD, and have a basis for comparison.

Everyone has their ups and downs, their challenges and successes, their trials, their tribulations. At any given time, a partner, PTSD or not, may or may not rise to the challenge presented by your own life event. My PTSD partner has been supportive when needed, and he's also fallen apart when needed. And that is not so unlike other partners of the past who were not burdened by PTSD. Humans, regardless of their particular frailties, are merely human.

And so, one cannot build one's life around one other person, a partner, and expect that partner to provide everything one needs out of life. It isn't a realistic burden to place on another person, whether or not they have PTSD. That is not healthy, for either individual. One needs a network of friends and family. I think that is true for carers and PTSD sufferers as well (although some of them tend to isolate themselves too much to have an effective support network).

Cowgirl

Good views Cowgirl.

Im just curious, and I have posted elsewhere on here. My husband of 5 years, recently attempted suicide, and is not shutting me out. Does anyone or has anyone ever tried marital counseling?

Im so torn up and cry every day just being away from him. He is staying with his mom. I feel its now or never with getting help for our marriage and he does not. He is happy the way it is for now. He is staying with his mom. I dont know what to do.

Deanna

May I ask why your husband is staying with his mom Deanna? You must be feeling terribly alone during such a sad time. How are you? I have suffered the loss of a pregnancy and my partner took off at the same time, after bringing me home from hospital, and went and stayed with his mother for the week. It was one of the cruelest things he could have done to me at the time as I needed support and he just checked out.

As for your question, counselling is only good if all parties are willing and accepting. Forcing someone to go somewhere they don't want to go generally never has a good outcome.

Nicolette & Deedlight,

I just had an attempt a couple of months ago. My 'friend' picked me up from the hospital, still all drugged up.

Anyway, long story short, the first thing my 'carer' said when I walked in the door was "I"m going to California early." First words out of his mouth. I said, so you are abandoning me? Then my 'friend' proceeded with a verbal tyrade on what a victim I was, etc.

without the help of my T at this time, I would have blamed myself. He was the one that triggered my attempt, yelling at me, "I"m so sick of your self-pity". Next thing I remember, I'm in the hospital, my T called the cops and they hauled me off in handcuffs cause I grabbed one guys balls when he asked 'what's going on?"

I've since ELIMINATED these people from my life. None of this was my fault! They are selfish people with their own crap going on and they dumped it on me and it very nearly killed me.

They still won't own up to it.
So don't ever blame yourself for relationships gone bad. People have their own issues and you working on yours brings up what they hate about themselves. We've had enough self blame. I mean REALLY.

Nicolette wrote:
"A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand."

I think this is critical too : I try to do it. I did recently find myself in a situation where I was dissociated and ill and my partner needed support. It can be hard as when I'm ill my communication skills are seriously limited, but it's really important to me that he knows it's not him, it's just I'm ill and can't do it right now. Fortunately these spells of being incommunicado are usually brief, so I can try to explain and be there for him afterwards. It's not ideal though, and suggestions are welcome. I really want to be a good partner, and I don't ever want to use this as an excuse for not being there or treating someone badly.

I am the one with PTSD and my previous partner who I am trying to reamin friends with has offered himself to me as part of my support network. We actually had a conversation about this very subject last evening.

His mother has cervical cancer, recently diagnosed. My lovely is very strong, independent and resourceful. He has a fantastic realtionship with his immediate family.

I ring him, text, and mail when and if I am having a bad day! Sometimes he just serves as a 'reaching out exercise', to know that someone special knows how I am feeling really does help. Other times when I am feeling lost he helps with practical sloutions.

Anyway, we got on to talking about 'us'......we did not make it! He said he finds it hard as I only call him etc when I am in need! Crap! I was only contacting him in those times becasue I assumed that is all we are to each other. I did not think about just calling him up to say 'hi'! Sometimes I don't think outside the box, not becuase I am selfish, but because I am treading a path that I thought we had agreed on. I did not realise we could just be friends to each other as well.

Anyway, I told him that I am here for him - always! He said he can't ask me even if he wanted because of where I am! I thought about this and sent him a text later.

I told him that I wished he would ask of me. I suggested that I feel that reaching out for support demonstrates strength of character (he is very, very independent). I suggessted that reaching out demonstrates trust between the two people. I told him that he knows that being there for others' is what I am all about and that he should use this resource that I have. In fact if he did I would feel proud and honoured that he would come to me. I also highlighted how aiding others' makes me feel; strong, confident, wothwhile and like I am a good person.

I hope I showed him that to ask of me would be positive for both of us.

Therefore, when someone is a carer I do believe that the caree' (ha) should ensure that they make it clear that they are able to offer support as well. I prefer it that way if I am honest - it takes the limelight away from me and I can think about someone else instead of me for a while.

Spirit x

Spiritx, you are right. Someone with PTSD is not always on the "needy" end. And you are able to be the supportive one for others. My DH has been there for me, and continues to be there for me. There are times when I've needed him and he's not been able to deal with it because of where he is with his PTSD. But NO ONE is perfect, NO ONE is always able to be the strong one. With or without PTSD, everyone has their weaker moments. That is why there are friends.

And ... friends should be friends on the good days too, so the friendship is not based on crisis support. Give him a ring because the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it feels amazingly good just to be alive - give him a ring on the good days, to share that too. ;)

Hugs,

Cowgirl

I am new to these forums but i have been looking for somewhere to link up with others who understand. I am under quite a lot of stress in my own life, as a beginning teacher, and now, with my partner's PSTD flaring up I also find myself as major provider, budgeter, housewife, cook, basically everything that needs to be done falls on to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

However, when I need to let go and just vent and cry, my partner just holds me close and lets me cry. He is the one that is encouraging me to see the psychologist, he is the one encouraging me to get out and do things for myself so I don't burn out. I think because of his PSTD he is more understanding and able to help.

Sometimes when I need to just tell someone about my day I find it best to call my mum, I know that she is always willing and able to listen, where my partner cannot always focus on my convesations.

Having said this, it doesn't take away the enormous guilt I feel when I do let go, and I feel like I'm putting more onto him. I try hard to be superwoman and keep all the balls in the air, but I can't always do it.