I wrote a bit about this in my trauma diary. I realise that not many people post in others diaries but I could use some advice.

When I try to work on my trauma diary, I become totally overwhelmed, and get huge increases in flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety etc, etc. Whilst I realise this is the idea of exposure therapy, and I haven't been doing it for that long, I can't get to the point where-by re-reading things gets any better. I have tried and tried, but I just end up an emotional wreck.

I have pushed and pushed to the point that things had got really bad. My depression was really bad with suicidal thoughts (though I had no definite plans, and considered myself reasonably 'safe').

About a week ago, I decided to try to take a break from it. And I made a real conscious effort to chase the intrusive thoughts away, stay away from my trauma diary and avoid triggering situations. I started to feel a bit calmer emotionally. I've also just had 2 decent nights sleep due to a new sleeping tablet. I'm not saying I feel great, just a bit calmer, with more logical thought processes.

Now I feel reluctant to return to exposure therapy (my trauma diary). I feel like I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to push myself back into the darkest depression. But I also think that this is probably avoidance and denial, which is something I've done a lot over the years.

I don't know how to manage the 'roller coaster' of emotions that has been happening.

I do want to be able to manage my symptoms better, and I realise that I will have to work hard. And I know it isn't supposed to be easy. I suppose I'm confused about when to push myself, when to take a break, and how to manage all the ups and downs.

I seem to have written a lot, but I'm not sure I've explained myself very well. Can anyone relate?

Sure, honey! It's a natural response to want to avoid any kind of pain, physical or emotional. I have done EMDR, and while I have healed PTSD from it, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done because I have to think about my trauma. Especially when I do the EMDR, then I have to leave the therapist's office and go outside and drive somewhere, probably home, where i am alone for a while until my husband comes home. If I had more support immediately after EMDR, I would do it more often. I understand what you feel, I have been there, I am there with you.

You can avoid your trauma if you choose, which lets you think you are relaxed again... it will work for a short time then your trauma will bite your arse again. Working on trauma is never easy, nor should anyone ever say it is. It is harder to work through your trauma than living it in the first place. Difference is though, once you work through it, no longer are you bitten on the arse by it constantly. Avoid it, and it remains with you forever. Your choice....

Anthony, I know you are right, because it's already back, biting me on the arse, despite my efforts of avoidance.

I don't know what else to say really, because everything is a jumble and a mess. I can't verbalise what I want to say, but will try to come back to this later.....

I suppose it's 'working through' my trauma which I'm having confusion over. Do you think it's possible to 'work through' your trauma on your own? Or do you need a therapist to assist and to guide?

"work through your trauma" - it's a phrase I see here time and time again. What does it actually mean? How do you actually do it?

I thought that was what I was doing, by writing my trauma diary. It was/is incredibly hard to write, but it's even harder to re-read. I've tried to re-read the stuff I've written, but it doesn't get any easier. I've re-read to the point of being physically sick, to the point that I can't physically read anymore. All this does is increase all my PTSD symptoms, to an overwhelming level. So then I try to avoid it - but that's not working anymore either. I've been totally distracted and rapt by intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. As much as I try to 'ground' myself, it's just not working. I'm terrified by how bad this feels.

I feel like I've pushed myself into the deepest darkest hole, with no way out. I feel like I'm stuck. Can anyone please give me any ideas/ advice as to exactly 'how' I go about 'working through' my trauma?

Cherry,

What you are going through right now is normal.....Keep writing your diary, and re-read it...You have to keep going back to re-read...

YES, It's hard, it triggers you, you feel like shit, your symptoms increase, you want to run...THIS is what you are supposed to be feeling. That is what "Working through your trauma" is......Writing down what happened, how you felt, the sights, sounds, everything. Then re-read, take a break if you need then go back to it, in a day or two.

In between try grounding yourself.....Stop reading when you get to sick, ground yourself, take a break.. When you feel strong enough go back and write more.....