Ok, so I just came back from the Baby Gap...I have three friends pregnant right now, and I have baby showers galore over the next few weeks. I couldn't help almost having an emotional breakdown in the store today. All those babies and pregnant moms...let's just say I REALLY want to have kids...SOON...(I hear my biological clock ticking away!)

There are, however, a couple of problems. The first being that (as I've been told), I need a male partner, and I have not yet found one that I would like to be the father of my children. The second problem is a bit more complicated.

I have EXTREME issues with going to the gyno. due to the PTSD. I CAN'T have ANYONE touch me. I totally FLIP OUT, esp. during a pelvic exam. That being said, I am really afraid that I would not be able to go through with the delivery. Just thinking about it right now makes me shake and want to puke. G-d only know what I would be like if I WAS pregnant, esp. with hormonal changes and not being able to take so many medications for the anxiety. We've talked about c-sections, but (as I've heard from friends), that still involves someone touching me, and I KNOW I will flip out if I'm awake (which I guess you have to be).

PLEASE...does anyone have any advice? I want kids more than anything, and I will be heartbroken if I have to give up this dream.

Nic :-(

Have you looked at the alternatives?

Artificial insemination would take care of the man problem...

How about adoption? Perhaps a child from a 3rd world country?

Just a few ideas, as I'm not a woman and have no credible advice...

Nic,

My advice would be to work on healing your trauma before you even consider having children. You have issues with pelvic exams....When pregnant you need as many as possibly up to 10 during the pregnancy. Then there is child birth, whether natural or C-Section...People touch you. Then there is the child...They touch you a lot, everyday, all day for many years.

You still have several yrs before your *clock* stops ticking, so I would advice you to spend a few of those yrs working on healing you, your triggers, and get your symptoms under control. JMO

Thanks for the quick responses. Allow me to clarify. I can have people touch me in terms of giving hugs, etc. (as long as it is someone I know well). I have even been able to have sex (as long as I take a few ativan before). Anything medical related is a different story...just sitting in the waiting room gives me panic attacks. I KNOW I would be a great mom--after all, I take care of OTHER people's kids all day. Yeah, I know I should work on the PTSD stuff, but I've BEEN working on it--for 10 years! Not to sound like a pesimist (sp?) or anything, but I don't think that another 2, 5, or even 10 years of therapy is going to make me improve all that much. (Not that I won't try, but I don't want to wait that long to have kids.)

I know I COULD adopt, and the thought has crossed my mind MANY times, but (not to sound selfish or anything), I really do want my own biological child. I also want to experience being pregnant and feeling my baby moving inside of me. (I also have good genes, as all 4 of my grandparents are past 80 and still alive and doing well--knock on wood.)

Oh, well then I have the perfect solution... marry a lonely gynecologist!

Thanks, Upstream...do you know of any?

Sorry nic, wish I did...

I heard a rumor that there are quite a few Indian (dot, not feather) doctors looking to marry a citizen for legal reasons... and that often those marriages are the mutually beneficial types. Hate to say it, but in this world love isn't everything...

Well, it's been said, "All you need is love..." so I think I'll keep looking :-)

Nic - this topic is also very painful for me for all the reasons you mentioned and I long to have children. Don't have any words to help - just wanted you to know you aren't the only one in this boat.

Grace

Nic, it's a difficult one.

I have an endocrine disorder which means conceiving naturally can be difficult (or in some cases impossible) and increases the chances of miscarriage to 50%.

Before my PTSD meltdown I was trying to get pregnant, managed to fall pregnant but at 10 weeks the baby had no heartbeat (I had a missed miscarriage) and so I had to have a D & C.

I have been poked, prodded & investigated more times then I can count, and whilst I used to insist on women only, I ended up with men, and even a few medical students looking "down there".

For me the more pelvic exams I've had, the more the anxiety has increased rather then reduced. My GP asked to do one only the other day and I avoided it. Yet depending on some tests results I may have no choice. However, I've found that if you can find a good sympathetic GP, you may be able to overcome this by explaining that you have an anxiety reaction to them. I started to explain this and I always had very sensitive, professional responses. Once I did panic, and they simply stopped and did not continue.

It's the same old thing Nic, if you are afraid - facing it is the only way through the fear.

In regards to actually having a child, my worry is less about the pelvic exams and more about being a parent with PTSD. I want to work on my trauma and have that mostly resolved before embarking on motherhood. But as you say trauma work seems to take such a long time. In the meantime I'm in my early thirties with fertility isssues, the more I prolong the less likely it will occur.

It doesn't help that the media & society put so much pressure on women to be a mother and how 'selfish' we are for delaying. I get some very insensitive people with no idea about my personal circumstances making all sorts of painful comments & judgements on my lack of children.

Nic, don't despair you are not alone with this worry. Perhaps discuss with your therapist, and maybe have a plan in place; like first meet a loving a man - if that doesn't happen by x age I will do x etc. Sometimes having a plan can reduce some of the anxiety.