Well, I hate to pour freezing rain on this parade, but here's my life:

I am a mother with PTSD and it is a living nightmare. My 3 youngest (4, 6, 8) are an unbelievable amount of work. I've been worrying for years about how my bedroom seclusion episodes and overwhelming desire to sometimes not leave the house for days will affect them. I am not a ray of sunshine, do not have the energy for crafts or neighborhood walks or bike riding or any of the things I used to do with my eldest daughter who will be 21 this week.

I got my PTSD as a result of the birth of the 4th child and I have not allowed a doctor to touch me since ... no followup checkup, no dentist. Actually I ake that back: my psychiatrist and now primary care doc have listened to my heartbeat and breathing on several visits. But I have to take a double-dose of valium just to get to the appointment once every few months. I had blood drawn once and had a panic attack and ran away.

Mind you, I've given birth 4 times with all the poking, prodding, and spread-eagle exams with rooms full of interns that go with it. It's not like I ever had an aversion to things medical before that last birth.

Just this past week after a real knock-down drag-out with my husband, I decided ... I quit. I cannot fix this PTSD and evidently I'll never be the fantasy parent in my head who actually cooks and cleans and plays with the kids even occasionally. They will be what they will be and I will be who I really am and stop struggling to feel like I've gotten at least one thing done each day ... just one.

I quit. Now I'm a dependable babysitter for when dh and oldest dd aren't home. And if they don't find that good enough, I will move in with my 85yo mother who desperately needs a full-time caretaker. SHE would be easier than this.

FlyLadyFan

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Edited to add: Remember, kids expect you to interact with them ... a lot ... physically and verbally ... forever. They are very noisy and often speak all at once and there is no rest for the mind in their presence. Yes, I love them, but not like I could if I didn't have this #amn mental illness.

I am a mom with PTSD and it is hard. When my symptoms get worse, I have to rely on someone else to do the day to day care. The guilt from not being a good mom makes getting better even harder. You only get a break when they are sleeping. Being a mom is forever and the pressure to be everything to your kids should not be underestimated. It is something that is hard to understand before you have kids. You should get your symptoms under control as much as possible before embarking on motherhood.

I can handle doctors, but not dentists. I was ok with all the prenatal care but the delivery was difficult for me. It was during labor that my disassociation coping techniques just stopped working (and never returned). As you can imagine, that made getting through the last few hours very difficult. It was nice that it was all so primal and didn't really require much of my concentration. The feeling of no control is also unnerving. My dislike of people touching me was magnified during labor. Someone touching me made me want to scream and throw things, which is unlike me otherwise.

The nice thing is that they have drugs that they can give you during labor. I did much better after receiving narcotics.

I should chime in here since this was a huge struggle for me a little while back. I was diagnosed with PTSD after Ella was born in 2004. She was my second. It had nothing to do with her birth. But...I knew I wanted more children and we were blessed with a boy who is now six months old. While I was pregnant, I struggled tremendously with the whole, pain in the general area during birth, the exams, the prodding questions, and just talking about my ptsd to my care provider was giving me anxiety attacks. I wrote in my diary A LOT. I talked with my husband A LOT about what was expected. For me, studying and knowing was a way of getting control of the situation.

I had Leo naturally and it went great. NOT ONCE, did I ever think about my sexual abuse as a child. It never entered my mind the whole time I was laboring. And to tell you the truth, giving birth to him made me conquer a lot of that past pain. I felt that I made good of my body down there. That its function was not to cause pain or trauma or to give some sick bastard pleasure. It is NOT broken and that it brought forth a beautiful baby boy. Also want to mention that NOT having the drugs gave me more control. I could feel what was going on and that was better for me. (May not be for everyone.)

I also had a midwife deliver my baby outside of a hospital setting. She rarely touched me and was very understanding. She always told me what she was doing and slowed down when I needed her to. She only "checked" me when I requested it. It really was one of the best experiences of my life.

Now...about raising children while having PTSD. It is hard. It is very hard. And you are going to have to adjust your expectations. No mother is super mom even if they seem like it. You do what you can. You do your best. Kids are amazingly resilient and forgiving as long as they know you love them. My kids understand that when I'm sad, I won't be doing very much that day. And...remember that you will not always be this symptomatic. I function fairly well after the worst part of it was over. I worked very hard to crawl out of that nasty, deep hole, and life gets better.

Nic, you are in a wonderful position right now. You know you want children and I think that is awesome. Just because you have PTSD should not stop you from having them. You are also single. This is a good thing, I think. That way, when you are searching for the right man, you know what you need to have your emotional needs met. That man HAS to be very supportive and understanding of this disorder. And, you also have time. You have time to work hard on yourself. To build up your self esteem. To work hard through your traumas and come out the other side a better person. You will be amazed at how people start to interact with you once you've healed some.

I think it's great that you've started to explore this. It's a brave thing to do and I commend you for doing it.

You can check out my diary which has a bit toward the end about my struggles. I hope it helps.

Nam, I just wanted to say thanks for posting how you felt about your birth. It is encouraging.

I did a lot of thinking and I had not received any kind of treatment for the PTSD before my daughter was born. I am hoping that it makes the process of birth easier, because I plan on doing it again (hopefully) at the end of the year.

I am in therapy primarily because I want to be emotionally available to be the kind of mother that I want to be.

Hi Nic! I as well have PTSD issues (mostly from sexual trauma) & I already find myself getting queasy replying but, I wanted to share my story because it may help. I was told I wouldn't be able to get (or stay) pregnant after cervical cancer treatments & 2 miscarriages but, my 3rd one took! Although he was a huge surprise (literally/10 lbs.), I am very happy to have my little boy. It took me a while to find a specialist (I'm also a diabetic) who would understand how serious my anxiety reactions are to even simple check-ups. I had to find someone I was comfortable with and that was extremely difficult for me (it probably didn't help that a past gynecologist was one of my sexual offenders). So, make sure you always have a nurse or loved one with you at all times!

During my pregnancy, I was monitored at least 2x a week for the entire time (diabetes, high blood pressure, incompetent cervix, pre-labor, etc.) & I had a lot of anxiety attacks but, I made it through. I hate to scare you but, towards the end, my PTSD kicked into high gear especially when the pain hit & my 2 spinal taps didn't work. When he got stuck & our heart rates reached dangerous levels, I had an emergency c-section. From that point on, I don't remember much (I dissociate & black out under extreme conditions) plus I'm sure they gave me some heavy duty drugs in the ER because the part where they extract the baby, wasn't bad at all. When I got to see him the next day, everything I went through was worth it. And, although I couldn't breastfeed due to meds & anemia we still bonded (I was scared we wouldn't because of my PTSD). So yes, it was extremely scary & traumatic but, if you can find a very understanding & patient doctor, having a baby is technically possible. You just have to decide whether you think you can handle it without further complicating your PTSD like I did. I do however want to end on a positive note & tell you that my son is the reason I get up each day; he's my only light that shines through the dark veil of PTSD. So, I do understand why you want your own child because they bring so much hope & joy into your life. But don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine & flowers, they also cause a LOT of stress (I just finished potty training!) so, if you think you still want to try or adopt, I wish you the best. Good luck in whatever you decide & take care!

I have had the same issues with doctors and any exam for many years and I have 3 children. I still only go to the doctor if I absolutely have to. I'm always in trouble for skipping annual exams.

Anyway, the key is finding a doctor you can trust and who understands. The doctor of my first child (13 years ago) was very kind. He did not know my story and did not act, but he knew there were issues and he was very kind. He explained everything he was going to do before he even touched me. When I started trembling and shaking he said "Is that me shaking or is that you?"

Anyway, he made the exams tolerable and then when it was time for delivery, trust me there is nothing on your mind other than getting the baby out.

Of course, the ideal situation would be for you to find a loving mate to help you through the pregnancy and delivery. That makes all the difference in the world.

lgnore the biological clock. Live one day at a time. My friend just adopted 2 beautiful children. One is 3 and one is 4; they are so lucky because she so desparately wanted children, they are well loved.

I work in a maternity ward and also suffer from complex PTSD. I know that we come across women who have been abused and find it difficult to allow others to touch them. What you need to do is first is find a close friend who will stay with you at all times., Then find a Obstetrician Female or male who you can visit and only talk to him for a few visits. When you book into the hospital to have your baby then make an appointment to see the unit manager and discuss you needs. This happens frequently at the hospital that I work at. In some cases a midwife is assigned to you for the duration of your pregnancy and labour so she will be aware of your needs. It is such a great expereince, I have similar needs and have 2 beautiful children. Good luck. Ask me any other questions. I would be glad to help

Hi Robbed,

Thanks for the info. I do have a bunch if questions. I tried to PM you, but it says that you don't receive PMs.

I am sorry but I am new at this site and I don;t know what PM is or how I can receive them. Can you please tell me

Nic and Robbed....You can't PM each other until Robbed is out of moderation.