hi,

i am new to the forum and am in desperate need of some insight and guidance. First, a little history -i was diagnosed with delayed onset complex PTSD in 1991 and hospitalized at that time. During the first 10 years, I suffered greatly with all of the DSM listed debilitating symptoms of PTSD to include: intense flashbacks, vivid nightmares, rage, irrational behavior, sadness, despair and all else that comes with this difficult condition. After many years of trying traditional treatment modalities, without much relief from symptoms,i tried EMDR, new at the time, and experienced amazing and somewhat long-term relief from most of my symptoms. over the years, many triggers have caused relapses back into the most painful places and memories (i.e. parole of one of two of the men that kidnapped and raped me, hearings relating to potential release of the other etc) However, Progressively, albeit slowly, with many years of therapy, lots of zonking medications and quite a few EMDR maintenance sessions i had finally gotten to a point in my life to where i only really struggled with difficult symptoms around anniversary dates. What a tremendous blessing this 7- year reprise has been for me. unfortunately, as we all know, PTSD is a chronic condition and after spending the last 1 1/2 years taking care of my dying mother and witnessing a tremendous amount of suffering, she is gone (died 12/6/07) and i am in the most painful of places again. I cannot even separate and experience normal grieving over this tremendous loss due to the horrible crying jags, irritability and absolute despair i am experiencing.

In addition, my suffering, is making my partner of 4 years absolute miserable. she has not experienced anywhere near this level of the condition with me since we have been together and she thinks i am crazy, can't handle my negativity etc. we are barely talking and can't communicate for more that 10 minutes without a full blow argument. i am at a total and complete loss as to what to do about the relationship. for many years, i felt that i could not handle a relationship because all of my struggles with the PTSD, now again, i am experiencing these feelings. I've tied to explain my condition, my need of understanding and support and also that the irritability and negativity is not about my partner or our relationship, however, it doesn't carry much weight when i am a miserable person to be around and am making her miserable as well. I am at a complete loss as to how to handle all of this. I am maintaining at work, but can't keep up the charade once i get home. My partner has been unavailable to me both physically & emotionally, for quite a while due to working ridiculously long hours at work (12-14 hour days) and now that she has quit her job (last Sunday) we are struggling with finding a way to live in peace together. I've felt so alone the past few months and have explained this to my partner, along with my need of comfort, her availability and support. i do not feel that i am getting this from her. She says "she has her own struggles" and she thinks i am being selfish and controlling for wanting this from her. right after quitting her job, she pitched the idea of her going to Texas for two months to take care of her grand babies because her daughter is having day care issues. she knows that i have been grieving and struggling with many of the stress relating health issue that come with PTSD and i did not want her to go, felt i needed her here, and told her this. after ensuing arguments she decided not to go "she thinks i am going to have a breakdown" but seems very resentful about her decision. i am at a point in this that i now feel that i have been alone anyway for awhile and since she does not understand, although she says she does, that i am at the point of wanting/ needing to break-up.

i need help with these questions: am i being to emotional and irrational due to my inability to clearly sort anything out right now? or is there any justification in my feelings and maybe actions. P.S. my partner will not read information on the syndrome. I've given her literature many times and have since stopped trying because she does not read it. Also, i have my first therapy session scheduled tomorrow, having not been in therapy for quite a while, and am also seeking a therapist that does EMDR in the Pinellas County Area.

Bless you for listening!

Gina

Hi there!

It is difficult to say whether you are asking too much as it all depends on the person that you are asking and where they are emotionally etc etc.

However, I do know from my own experience in a realtionship that was suffering at the hands of PTSD symptoms along with the norms of life that when the communication has broken down so much that yes, it probably is asking a lot, at that time!

It's so difficult - in an ideal world I would say that supporting your loved one through this time is exactly what is needed, but it depends on the damage that all of this has done to the relationship and how the other person has been affected by all of that? We all have our own issues and god knows how your's are affecting your girl? Perhaps you could ask her exactly how she feels all of this is affecting her, be specific and ask what parts of where you are cause her concern etc?

Its so important for the one's we love to also be looked after and feel whole in order to support 'us'. Perhaps more importantly you have to reach a place that makes you realise that you have to support yourself the most! I am sure you know all of this as you have been in recovery before, try to tap into those feelings you had and get back to the mind set that allowed you to try to free yourself from all of the pain.

Help her help you!

Spirit x

I don't have any advice but i do want to say: Welcome to the forum.

I can only speak from my experience – being in love with someone with PTSD.
I’m going to be quite honest, as I’m assuming that’s what you are here for.
The thing is, Spirit is right in that you can only foster support from your carer if you are able to give something back – some light at least.
In my experience, I bore the brunt of a lot of shit from my partner and it did send me a little crazy for a while not to mention – extremely depressed for which I had to seek CBT therapy. We’ve now had a three year break and are only now looking at getting back together.
I’m not suggesting that long of a break for you, but I think it’s important to remember and understand when a relationship is not healthy, that sometimes some time apart can make us stronger, get more understanding and if your partner feels the need for a break away to refuel, then you might do you both some good to let her go – if you don’t you could be doing her and yourself a lot more damage by omitting first and foremost, any room for emotional growth.

You say you need support and you don’t feel like you are getting it, so why make her stay with you if you are both miserable? It sounds like your road is only going to get windier, so give her a chance to go away and refuel. You say she does not want to read about PTSD? She’s only human. Maybe she’s exhausted and sick of hearing about it. She’s a person too with her own needs and desires. She probably feels like she is getting nothing from you, resenting it all and the last thing she wants to do is read about it when she feels like this. I’m sure that she cares for you deeply, but it sounds to me like she is quite depressed, and just as you need support and fuel to work out your depression, so does she. So a break would help her with that and it would surely help you too, if you allow it to.

Think about how people react with other diseases, all sorts of emotions come out and it’s important that carers are looking after themselves as well, or they simply have nothing to offer you. I would suggest that when you do go into counselling, that you suggest your partner go for some as well, she needs to be working out where SHE is at, or else she is no help to you whatsoever, and manipulating her feelings through your neediness, ‘aint going to help you ( eg. forcing her to stay with you and things just getting resentful and emptier and more depressing) . Help yourself first then allow her to love you. She need not do anything else, she can’t know how you feel and she shouldn’t have to. Just help yourself, and then try to let her love you – that’s all she should be expected to do, she’s not accountable for all of your feelings and you should protect her from some of them if you can. Respect her as an individual, see her and don’t resent her for not having PTSD.

I learnt that I have exhausted my fuel supply for output of love in the past. It’s important to work out a way to not project your pain onto her, or you will not be able to garner any support – she’ll only feel resentful and tired. If you can maybe work out a way of giving her something, even if it is space, you may find she may work out her own issues and have a lot more energy for you. Even though we don’t have PSTD, we still have our own stuff going on. Just communicate with her gently, and honestly, and try to put yourself in her shoes. I say this so you can help her to help you, you understand? And after a while of being with someone with PTSD, we can sometimes have some of the side affects (mood and bad sleep particularly) projected on us, without the sufferer or even carer realising it. As with every obstacle in a relationship, it all takes two to make it function. We can’t always be the carer, other people such as a therapist need to bear the weight, and you have to care for yourself first and foremost. If you feel too sorry for yourself, it will only make matters a lot worse.

Look after yourself, get some exercise, get some rest, eat well and start therapy again, and in answer to your question, it does is sound tough at your home, it sounds like your partner is in a lot of pain as well, so maybe you should consider her feelings too and have a break from each other. It may hurt at first, but it will get things into perspective for you and your answers will come naturally as to weather you should stay together. But start working on yourself, you’ve been through a lot and you can beat this, but you need to start believing in yourself and pushing through, fight! Fight! You can do it, and you will find much support and strength from this forum, there’s no one beating around the bush here, everyone wants to help. I’d also suggest you check out the dairies and put yours in there when you are ready.

Much love to you! You can do it!

Hi Gina, and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the support and help you need here.

Peace
Tammy

I read your post and prayed that someone had an answer for you. I am on the other side in that I am in love(completely) with someone who suffers. Is there ptsd by association? All we can do is take it day by day or minute by minute if the days drag too long. It is overwhelming how full of love but completely empty you can be all at the same time. I want to share my life with this person but to do that they have to be able to share with me. I do not pretend that my problems are as severeas theirs are but I just want to know that when I need someone my spouse is there. Maybe your partner feels you are unavailable to them? Not intentionally just not always there. I pray all works for you. Hang in there. If you find some magic answer please share!

gina-
first of all, welcome to the forum. next, i want to say that you are a very strong person for recognizing all these problems. i've known people in the past that walk around with blinders on and not wanting to even recognize that there is "an elephant sitting in their living room."

obviously, i don't know all the details of your relationship. i will say for starters that you probably need to sit down and try to sort out your feelings and try to figure out why you feel that way. some things will be more apparent then others.

the other thing i would recommend would be to seek counseling for this to maybe get some help sorting these feelings out. it sounds a little strange but sometimes in our despair we get tunnel vision and all we need is for someone to point us in the right direction. i wish you the best of luck and again welcome. respectfully, SM

I see your partner was working more than 10 hours a day, overtime? That is what drained me & left me exposed to letting my guard down & getting injured. Hours like that have only one outcome & it's not good.