Hi, I'm new to the forum. Have been searching for quite a while for something like this to help me understand the PTSD of someone I've been dating.

Met a wonderful guy who I started dating several months ago. The first time we met he advised that he had been the victim of a violent crime in the past year. Somewhere along the way early on (I don't remember exactly when) he said that because of this he suffers from PTSD now. No details were given, and he was so matter of fact about it that I didn't dwell on it, but tried to be reassuring.

Things went along very well and we continued to have what I felt was very normal interactions. That is until after the holidays when the perpetrator of the crime (a former friend who was high on drugs) tried to contact him. While not giving details, he let me know that he might be "up and down" for a while. Add to that around the same time a chance encounter with someone who had road rage and a prior date who kept calling his home number repeatedly after they broke up. I still didn't really understand.

That's when the "different" behavior started. Texting and calling slowed to a minimum, and we got together less frequently. I finally contacted him and asked if things were ok with us and offered to back off if it turned out he wasn't interested any more. Instead, what he said was that he was dealing with "issues" - the email from the person who assaulted him, the road rage, etc...and it caused him to withdraw by himself and he didn't want me to see him when he was not "100%". I guess I understood but at the same time I didn't. He also admitted that he was on depression medication.

Things came to a head shortly thereafter when he would make plans for us to get together to do things, but then would back out of them. I finally confronted him about one of these times when I knew he wasn't telling the truth. He became very offended and said we should take a break. I agreed, and have tried to be respectful of space. I called once and left a message, and sent an email too in the period of a month and a half. No response to anything.

I know now in looking back that he was apparently shielding me from the times he was probably dealing with PTSD. I just didn't understand it enough, and wouldn't have confronted him about it if I knew then what I knew now.

So my question is, I'm still trying to understand how PTSD works. Is something like this typical? What is he going through? Can someone overcome this by themselves, or do they have to be in therapy? Should I continue to contact him every so often (like once a month or so) to just say hi, or do I just hold back and wait for him, or chalk it up to a learning experience and walk away? (I really don't want to do the last option)

I've read so many thoughtful posts by folks on here who are so knowledgeable. I'm anxious to learn more and here what people have to say.

HI Langdon,

There is a great section for carers that will offer you a lot of advice on ways to deal, but I will tell you this. PTSD NEVER goes away, you learn to manage the symptoms, with tons of hard work, therapy and sometimes medication, but it never goes away.

What your boyfriend is doing sounds rather *Normal* for someone that has PTSD and isn't doing very well right now. You can only be supportive, and respect his wishes. He has to want help in order to get better.....

Hi Langdon, welcome to the forum.

Thanks for the help! It has been a revelation to come across this site. I'll start digging through the Carer's section as well.

Two other items that I forgot to mention in my first post.

1) Is it possible/normal for someone with PTSD to be functional at work, but close off to the world when home? He often talked about the difficulties in working with some of his co-workers, but everything usually sounded like they were the ones who were the problem, not him. I never met them, so just assumed he had the bad luck to work with some folks who were difficult to work with.

2) I also noticed on more than one occasion that he had deep scratches on his shoulders and once on his upper chest. I asked at the time, and he was like "Oh, I must have been scratching myself". Upon reflection, while they weren't severe enough to draw blood, they were obviously not recent. Do you think this could be a form of self-harm? I've read about "cutting" but never found anything about scratching.

Also, I have been very respectful of his space during this time, with one phone message and one email in a month's time. Both were to just "check in" and say I hoped he was ok. Do you think even something like this would be intrusive, or does it help the person with PTSD to know someone is thinking about them?

Welcome, Langdon.

Yes. I do my job quite well, but I am a wreck at home. I call in sick if I know it's going to be a non-fuctional day. That said, it's impossible to know without more information whether this is the case with your friend. It may be that he struggled to be functional at work and that's why he had trouble with coworkers.

Could it be related to his trauma, as well? I have certainyl scratched myself until I bled as self-harm, to that is also a possibility.

It helps me immensely. You need to take care of yourself first, though, and decide how much reaching out you are willing and able to do when he is unable to reach back. If he is unable to connect with you, are you willing to keep trying? If so, to what end?

Good luck.

I suppose the situation is all so new that I haven't given much thought to how long I will pursue things. At present I feel I would be negligent, even steping back to being just a friend, if I didn't at least do simple things like remember his birthday with a card, send an email every few weeks just to check in and say hi, etc. It wouldn't be to pressure him into anything, rather just to be supportive and let him know that someone cares.

I suppose a lot would depend on how long a period there would have no contact. I have no illusions that one day, out of the blue he will contact me on his own. But for right now, hanging in there feels like the right thing to do. We had several great months...not that easy for me to just turn those feelings off.

Hi I am new to this site and not really ready to share too many details. My spouse has suffered from ptsd for years. hang in there. I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't. It is hard to hold onto yourself and them too. Especially when you always have to be the strong one.

I have PTSD and am in a dating relationship so I found your post interesting. I think the first thing to remember is that everyone with PTSD is different. There isn't really a cookie cutter than I know of. Withdrawing is definitely something I do. It's sort of like when you have hypothermia, your body uses the blood to keep the organs alive and shuts down other functions. When you are in distress with PTSD, the body focuses on what you have to do and shuts down everything that's not essential (how this is determined is beyond me).

For me communication often goes out the window, I may not be able to talk, or in a very limited way, or avoid things that require 'feeling' or sleep a lot.

Like Kers said though, the inability to respond doesn't mean that that person can't hear you.So phone calls, etc. likely do help even if they are never returned.

Thanks for your insights. All are helpful in increasing my understanding.

I guess what still has been confusing to me is generally how long a withdrawls can last. Weeks? Months, Years? Assume each person is different?

I think it depends on the severity, whether or not there are other underlying problems and if the person is in any kind of treatment.