i had a big melt down this weekend. i could feel it coming. i have never had this much difficulty dealing with my grandfather and the sexual abuse. i completely lost it. i am working hard to keep my anxiety/anger under control. i have started feeling the need to confront instead of keep inside. this weekend was scary for me. i have never felt so strongly that i needed to release the anger/anxiety. im trying to keep all of life together..but my coping skills are failing me.

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Thanks for the response.
Jes

Hi Jes,

First off, know that you're not alone...we all have our ups, downs, and (with PTSD), a whole heck of emotions in between. Whenever I feel like I have "lost it," I keep reminding myself that it is just temporary. Whether it be a day, a week, or a month, I DO bounce back, and so will you.

As for the need to confront, have you ever done so? Do others (in your family) know about the abuse and support you? If you ARE able to physically confront your abuser, make sure you know what to expect--(most likely he will not admit to it, and this can very emotionally difficult for you). I had this situation sort of forced on me a few years ago when my abuser called me to "say he was sorry for 'anything' he had done." I was too in shock to say what I really wanted to say, and I ended up going into a bit of a downwards spiral for a month or so.

If you are NOT able to actually confront your abuser, either because he isn't around anymore or you don't feel comfortable, try writing down everything that you would have liked to say to him. This way you can get all of the emotions out and on paper, which then may help validate what you're feeling.

Well, good luck and take care of yourself.

nic

Thanks for your post. He is still alive...but barely. I don't think he is capable of getting up out of the bed. I think he just lays there.

I have felt the need lately to tell my biological father (who wasn't around when I was younger) and to visit the house where it all began. I have done both. Now I feel the need to see him and let him know how I feel and how he has effected me.

I am so full of RAGE. It scares me. I want to be able to find a way to get rid of this anger.

Jes,

Can you try to channel the anger into something that would be positive for you ? I go to the gym and work-out like a bat out of hell (sweat dripping from me). I feel good afterwards as I have used the anger constructively and also benefit from the physical and chemical effects of excercising. I am sure there is something that you could do to re-direct that emotion? ( it does not have to be physical).

I feel it is also wise to just feel the anger and own it! Understand why and who it belongs with. Be mad with them, they were wrong! It's okay to feel anger just not when it's at the detriment of others or yourself.

Tell yourslef why you are full of rage e.g how that person has affected you - 'you made me feel_________'!'you made me feel__________'! Down the line after the rage you will soon see that that person can no longer control how you feel - you take your power back!

I believe that Nic's suggestion about writing it all down is good - I have written all my negative thoughts and feelings onto indvidual pieces of paper before and lit them in the garden and watched them dissapear into nothing more than smoke up into the ether.

Good luck!

My thoughts are with you!

Spirit x

Hi Jes. I have a few idea's to vent your anger. If you live where there is snow go out and make a pile of snowballs, put a face on a paper plate and attach it to the side of the house or a tree and whale away with your pile of weapons. You can substitute mud balls which are easy to make with water and dirt. Getting messy is an added bonus of sensation to remember your release of rage.

Another thing I do is bounce a super ball repeatedly, it focuses your anxiety on just the simple acts of catching and bouncing for awhile.

Another one is taking a pillow and attacking a living room chair with the pillow. The chair will not fight back and you are sure to win and expend energy. Caution, remove breakable objects in a five foot radius because as you get into it things will start flying - maybe even feathers.

I love your suggestions Cindy Plus the quote I included made me chuckle

Spirit x

I've had a lot of problems with the anger. I rage intensly for hours and hours, especially when someone who claims to 'love' me hurts and betrays me. The anger gets confusing for me, I've had so many people in my life use it against me and turn it around, telling me I'm crazy when they are the ones who are doing wrong to me, victimizing me and using me, because I'm such a good care-taker. Men just sit around and soak it all up, then when I have a need, all the sudden I'm way out of line. Most men, at least the ones I've experienced, are only capable of infantile love. The lastest one, I helped him through Cancer treatment, gave him a home, took very good care of him. Was by his side. Then my therapists and doctors were trying to get him to work and take care of me for awhile so I could concentrate on recovery. All the sudden, I was a horrible person, because I pointed out how he was just sitting around, making me do all the work. It triggered me, my Father did the same thing, beating and raping me all day. He refused to get 'just a job', made me feel very unworthy, not worth him getting off his tush and having some discipline. Then blamed me because I got triggered and picked up a knife in a rage. I didn't go after him, but, as usual, no I'm the crazy one. Now he's refusing to help me with my SSD hearing. 12 years with Fibromyalgia and PTSD and this man claimed to love me and want to be there. Now he even says that I've driven everyone away and I deserve what I got.

I feel so hateful of everyone on the planet right now. My therapist was on the phone with me constantly throughout the whole ordeal of getting him out of my home. But I feel like I"m defective, undeserving of any love or help. He is being very cruel to me. 43 years of the same old thing. I'm astounded at people's cruelty. I can't help the triggering. I would never hurt anyone. I go to a place where I'm defending myself against my Father again, and he is using it against me. Such a cruel person. I'm just at the point where I want to live in a tent and not trust anyone ever again. That is my dream life.

So the anger can be used against you and damage you all over again. People are rotten.

TLight

I know that in part, some of the rage that rises up within is a product of C-PTSD. My understanding is that because of the constant 'chemical bath' my brain received, telling me to fight! or run! and I couldn't do either (as a child) sort of rewired my nerve endings. SO I have inappropriate rage responses. And I was fired from a job a couple of years back (first time ever been fired) because of a direct flashback and inappropriate rage response directed at a coworker who was causing the trigger. That put me back in therapy and I'm still working on it. So yeah, I have rage. I'd love for it to stop. The older I get the more discouraging it seems...