I recently witnessed as 2 of my fellow soldiers were killed. There were a total of 4 of us. We were put into an area to do a specific mission and as we were put into the are the person putting us in became nervous and basically dumped us. I watched 2 of my guys go straight into the ground without any form of canopy deployment. Myself and the other operator deployed and were both injured. We collected our dead brothers and fought our way back, sometimes hand to hand, to safety.

We had to come back stateside for health concerns as well as to give official testimony on what happened. When we went to the funerals of our fallen brothers we spent as much time with the family as they needed. One of my guys sons, who is 8 years old, asked me who was going to teach him how to grow up. How was I supposed to answer this? I told him that he himself was a part of something special, that he now had about 200 men who would help him and be around as much as possible as his mom could handle.

I had to speak with a therapist after the situation to evaluate my op-status and he told me to compartmentalize things when I am being exposed to so many horrendous things at one time. He said these exact words, "If you survive then we will break open the compartments and deal with them, as it is now you need to compartmentalize to function".

In the past I have always lumped everything together. I have done things that I don't feel I will ever be forgiven for, things I am not proud of. I did these things because it was in the best intrest of our nation according to the men giving the orders. These are the same men who tried to punish myself and another operator for helping a Humvee convoy full of 18 year old children who were under attack, getting killed, and not attacking. We heard all the gunfire, ran to it and found all these kids laying on the ground hiding as insurgents from one building kept blasting them. We got them organized, kicked them in the ass, had them fire on the building as myself and the other operator went to the building, entered it, took out the insurgents, got the convoy on their way again, then completed our mission. I felt I did the right thing but straying from our op to help out was not the right thing in their eyes.

In addition to dealing with idiotic political agendas, PTSD, Thanatos, and the famalies of my brothers I have to deal with physical trauma's now related to the incident. My left eye contracts and pulls in at times and when I move my head from left to right fast my vision blurs and I get dizzy. The docs say this is all from a closed head injury.

I just wonder how much a person can "compartmentalize" and remain sane.........

Tact are your injuries enough so that you can't go back to active duty??? If they are then you need to stay put and start working on you and your healing. Please continue with therapy.....Talk to others here and those that have been through what you have been through, and then face your trauma head on and talk about it......

Hang in there.......

Tactman, I am sorry for the loss of your brothers. It is painful to lose one of your own.

In spite of what your command might think, you did the right thing for those kids. You know it too.

Take care of yourself,

tude

I have always "tried" to follow my gut feelings and that is what you did. I feel as the others, You did the right thing. Soliders have it very difficult when it comes to their belief system and following orders that go against that system

I have never been in the military and can only guess at what you and you fellow soliders go through or feel. But know you have me behind you.

I am very proud and extremely humbled to even be this close to one of our soldiers.

I think that wihout realizing, I compartmentalized my traumas. I know that I remember only what my body and mind can handle at the time. Maybe your T. is right. Give it a try. It is the only way I've managed to keep what little sanity I've got.

Tact,

What is right and what is SOP are sometimes miles apart.

You have a head and a heart. Do not give up. You deserve to be OK. Post here and let folks share the load. Hang in there. You can do this.

Thinking of you and praying for you...

Thank you all so much. This is tough, were not supposed to show any kind of weakness.

I have an MRI, CT, scheduled for monday and had an appt. today for the problem with my eye. The ophthalmologist told me today that the problem with my eye was from oxygen altitude deprevation and the problem with my left to right vision blurring is more than likely from a head injury I sustained during the battle.

As far as these injuries keeping me from returning to active combat ops, I only hope they delay it. I have to get back to my team. I can't explain it, they are my family. I have served with some of these guys for well over 10 years. I know them, their famalies, friends, everyone. Were a VERY close unit and rely on each other so much.

I appreciatte the words of prayer. Pray for the men and woman fighting for freedoms. Pray for God to give them the courage they need to do the job they are charged with doing.

I remember seeing a family seeing their son off at a base who was deploying to Iraq and how upset they were when he was out of sight. When we came upon this convoy under attack and all our soldiers (18 and 19 year olds) were laying on the ground not returning fire, I thought about that family and how one of these children soldiers could have been that soldier. All these guys needed was some confidence. Once we showed them what to do I hope and pray that they retain the lesson and always be on the attack.

Again, I can't thank you all enough. It helps so much to be able to just get on and get some thoughts out of my head for 10 minutes and see other people have experienced or understand. Thanks.

tac,
we have played in many feilds and seeing our friends and buddies fall. Not one but then another and soon we stand alone, only to remeber them. It hurts evertime this happens, and yet we go back. We go back for the good of a country or just to make sure that the friends we have left ,will get there chance to go home to. The hardest thing to do sometimes is look at the help we need, it took me along time to understand that if i cant handle it. What good will i be to the new guys or my friends. best of luck........mj

Hey MJ, thanks man. Im really worried they are going to medical me out. I dont fit into this country at all right now. I find myself really closed off, and acting like I am still in a combat zone. When I do sleep I sleep fully dressed with my weapon. My family is supportive and my father, being a Nam Vet, has came over during the day to "guard" so I can sleep. He understands that the only way my guys and I actually sleep in Iraq is when one of us guards the others sleeping.

I honestly don't feel like I will ever fit back into society and be able to function as a civilian if they medical me out. Im a veteran of everything since 1990+ and now I feel like garbage they want to discard because of an "accident" they caused in the first place.

Thanks to everyone for your support and listening to my rants.

I'm praying for you Tact, stay strong and try to find some peace....God is with you.