i have been the witness of something horrible two months ago.

i have been reviewing what i saw in my mind a thousand times a day till i reached the point that i couldnt handle the trauma,so what i decided to do was "I AM NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE,I DONT LET PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT,I DONT LET ANYTHING RELATED TO THAT HAPPEN AROUND ME".

and what happened was that i felt ok after that,my mind has been exteremely successful deleting that part from my memory,except that now i have to run away from everything and everyone around me coz im afraid they might be reminding me of that event!plus the panic attacks that happen every now and then and even when they dont happen,im afraid they might happen.my doctor says im going through "avoidance"which is part of ptsd.

she wants me to talk about it,but I CANT!that makes me feel worse! so she asked me to write about in details, so here i am,giving it a try.not sure if i would be able to!

let's see what happenes...

Penelope,

From what I am learning about my own trauma, and the way my PTSD has been explained to me, what you saw and your feelings about it have been frozen in time by your avoidance of it. This avoidance is natural and normal in many ways because, after all, who would choose to relive an awful incident?

As painful as it is, though, the only way to keep that painful experience from being trapped in the present is to integrate it into your memory by processing it-- talking it through with a therapist and integrating it in a healthy way into your past so that you can move on.

Easy for me to say, right? I understand. I have fought hard not to revisit my own memories, but I am just beginning to get the courage to do just that. I know it will take time, but I am going to give it my best. That's all we can do is be brave and give it our best.

You sound brave to me. You posted here. You want to heal. You deserve to be safe and content and happy. Don't give up, even when it hurts like hell. I wish you all the best on your path.

Hi penelope,

Shoshin is soo right :-)

And your own explanation of how you felt and what you did at the time is such an excellent example of avoidance and denial.

Yes facing the trauma is going to be difficult but not as difficult as re-exeperiencing the symptoms of PTSD along with untreated trauma.

Ask yourself this: is working through the trauma going to be any more painful than what you have already experienced since trying to deny all existance of the trauma? Will your life improve as you learn to deal with the trauma?

You can do it!

My thoughts are with you.

Spirit x