i feel just like that pretty much everyday. i guess others see it in some form cuz a friend of mine told me the other day that i remind her of holden.

i want to just remove myself or 'drop out' in leary's words, but it's not easy to ignore all the stupid crap that people do everyday. life here feels like a facade thats only created to make the sheep feel important. like today's emphasis on 'individualism', what a load of crap, it's manifested itself into hedonism via the distractions available to us. people consume themselves in this facade, unknowingly pissing away their money to bankers, and then wonder why the economy is going downhill.

maybe i just need to move to a remote village in asia and become a buddhist monk.

They may have experienced bad times but not like PTSD hell.

I feel it's one happy family that I'm not in.

I'm screened off, watching on unable to fit in to that world anymore.

This is totally me! ESPECIALLY AROUND HOLIDAYS .

This is what causes me to feel disconnected from the world and isolate even further. I listen to my colleagues planning events with family and friends and feel I am missing a big part of life. It's so depressing to watch from the outside.

Do you think that some day we will feel part of this again?

Hey Cindy!

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I used to call it, 'non-belonging'! Seeing other people with their loved ones and making plans made me feel like I did not belong anywhere. I guess this perhaps especially apllies to PTSD sufferes as sometimes the trauma that is caused, is by those closest to us. So we are estranged from our families. Or they are not supportive of our condtion. Hence magnifying our illusion of not belonging.

However, I have come to the realisation that PTSD is a major part of this feeling; one aspect of PTSD is shutting yourself out from the world, not sustaining relatiosnships or friendships because of feeling unsure of how to feel and behave.

So in answer to your question, yes I do beleive that you/we will have that belonging feeling one day, gradually! As we face our fears and deal with our trauma we won't enable the self-fulfilling prophecy to continue. We will no longer impose the 'maximum security boundaries' that we have dysfunctionally placed around us in order to feel safe.

Perhaps we do already belong but are just not aware of it - we are all connected in some way aren't we? As Shoshin suggests we do not really operate in the world alone, we just perceive it this way.

I remember saying to my ex once, 'I need to do this alone, you can't climb in my head and fix things for me'! However, I could of shared what was in my head!?

I long for the day when I can be in a relationship where I know that I can bulid on it in terms of having a future. A soul mate to travel this earthly plane with. To experience life with them and through them. To bake a cake and have them enjoy it knowing that is was made with love (the simple things). We will have that belonging feeling we just need to tap into it - i know it is not easy but we just have to!

My thoughts are with you Cindy and I hope you realise that just by being on here you are not alone!

Spirit x

I used to work as a checker in a grocery store in a 'community' in Seattle. Everyone would come through my line around holidays and ask, "What are you doing Terri?" I'd make up stories so I wouldn't look like a freak, or so they wouldn't feel sorry for me and invite me over. I wouldn't have been able to take that at that time, I was just struggling to hang on to reality and my boss was stalking me.

Anyway, I have a fantasy of living like a recluse and just meditating the rest of my life. And writing poetry. Just make my purpose thinking of God. A monk of sorts.

So far,don't mind being alone. But I just got out of some dysfunctional crap that hurt me again.

But being a Monk does appeal to me. Just belonging to God. I guess it's safe.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. The only people I talk to are my doctors, my sister and husband and son (whom I live with), and the girl I go swimming with. I go to places, like school, but I rarely speak to anyone.
I don't belong here. Right now, I am trying to work myself up to get my own place. I am doing this why. I mean, do I really want a place or am I trying to arrange being a recluse?
People hurt. They make me hurt. It's hard to look at them in the eye because I am scared of what I will see there. God saved me. I am alive today. That is the only thing that keeps me going.

I do right now! Alone, alone , alone, alone!

Always so alone!

I agree......alone, alone, alone!!!!!!!

No your not Pandora, I'm right here with you!

I always walk around feeling like i'm in a glass box. Noone really understands my world and I don't understand theirs. I'm happily married but feel so alone that it physically hurts.

Thanx Cindy...what an ineresting thread because I am feeling so alone right now....I usually feel more alone at holidays and in times when I need help and the only one to help is me. I am almost forcing myself to even come to the forum and that is me just wanting to be alone I guess and often I don't want to write anything when I am having a bad time because I feel like it is harder to change my negative thoughts and I don't want to sound like a whiner