Here is something to reflect upon:

Are we alone with our past or in our past.

Are our past memories part of us in memory only.

I choose being alone because it is easier than trying to manage someones interaction with me. It takes the stress off me to try and assert my personal needs to anyone. I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I often choose silence in my space and medium to dim lighting. Sometimes warm sometimes cool.

i know the feeling

I feel trapped in my head. A prisoner of my life and the memories. This makes me feel alone. I know I have to change this mind set, but when things are tough it is very difficult. I have to constantly FIGHT!

Spirit x

Sunnydaze,

YES! I posted a thread a while back about this, my issues with time!!! Time is so strange for me -at times, I have no concept of it.

Just the other day I was standing in the middle of our sitting room, staring at something, and my husband says "what are you doing" - I have no idea how long I was standing there staring out into space. It must be somewhat frightening for my husband to see me like this.

I find that because my house can be quite chaotic at times, that I unconsciously go into this zone state in order to not completely lose my head.

Best,
Rachel

Why do we all feel so alone but we are not. We have each other. I don't like being alone or lonely but I don't like the junk that comes with friendships. You all know it I'm sure. People want to whine about themselves with the whoa ism me but when we need support they are to busy.
sunnydaze

On Thursday I became violently ill at work and taken out by ambulance to the hospital. Since reprimanded before, I let them contact my daughter (22) before she gave me grief afterward. Last year the school nurse and I had gone through this before and it was a zoo. I live alone and really have no one. Since I had been identifying with the thread of not asking for help when I should, I again stepped back and let the actions fall into place. I really was so sick and helpless at that point I really didn't care what outcomes occurred I just wanted to curl up and zone out and let them all do what they needed to do to get me functional again.

I waited at the hospital sleeping on morphine and having severe boughts of illness, waited for her arrival, worried I worried her. She never came. My colleague came to check in, more for an explaination and assurance, but my daughter never came. I got myself home late at night and crashed. Couldn't even fill my prescriptions or even move the next morning to get them filled. Still recovering from the ordeal both emotionally and physically. I was devastated in every way.

On cue, my daughter called at 8:30 am to reprimand me for not returning her calls. 7 to the hospital. I had no phone, could not use my cell, and was sleeping off the morphine. Next morning, I should have called her at 11 pm the night before and by my tone was I being angry at her because I had no right. She again called me at 4 in the afternoon yesterday to restate why I was wrong and she was right and under no uncertian terms was I to do what I wanted today. Take care of myself. BECAUSE, that is when she could schedule in a visit to check on me. SCREW HER. I'm out of here.

Doesn't it figure everytime we do reach out - SLAM! I give up. We are safer alone rather than raising our expectations that someone will care. I am totally screwed over right now and dopey but why does it always have to turn out this way? It doesn't make sense.

I'm hurting so bad.

Hey Cindy,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. There really shouldn't be "terms" placed on someone who is suffering an emergency illness. I'm sure your daughter could have spoken with someone at the hospital to find out what room you were in.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Best,
Rachel

Cindy,
I sure hope your feeling better now. How is it going?
sunnydaze

I know how you feel. I sincerely hope that you get to feeling better.

My daughter called to hash it out last night. The last thing I wanted to do. She picked the time and that was it. So I shut up and let her go. Basicly she shared she never felt I wanted her there before so she wasn't sure if she should come. When I didn't respond to her phone calls, which I couldn't, she did not feel it was an emergency or that she needed to drop everything and come to me.

If anyone, friend or family notifies me they are on the way to the hospital, no question I go right then. Obviously if I let them call her, I needed her. What am I missing?

The last time this happened she went ballistic because I did not inform her, this time I did and then she said I needed to again call her and let her know I needed her there.

I still think she is rationalizing her own actions with whatever she can grab on to so she doesn't have to take any blame because she blew it.