When I was 8, the neighbors would jerk off my dog, place me underneath him naked, and let him hump me.

When I was 8, they tied me to posts, stripped, and the boy would hump me naked, I could feel the slime of his cum on my body, then they'd cover me with garter snakes. I never even cried.

When I was 9, they'd excite their stallion and make me jerk it off.

Constant 'sex' games of capture and submission. I don't even remember most of them, but it was constant.

When I was nine, they made me stand on the other side of a large haystack and throw bricks over, I was held down while they laughed. Finally one hit me in the eye, blood everywhere. I ran home and my father got mad at me.

When I was 10, I watched my father try to straggle my mother.

Throughout, after age nine, I was left alone with him while my mother worked. He terrorized me while I would do chores, follow me and beat and kick me if I didn't do it with a smile on my face. I stopped feeling anything long ago.
My mom would come home and go into radical hysterics when I told her. She was only concerned that she was tired from her day and hated coming home to this. She'd lock my in my room.

I was 11 and 49 pounds, bones hurting me in the bathtub, no one noticed. I started dipping into their scotch, replacing it with water.

Anorexic and bulmic off and on my whole life.

Started 'offering' myself to grown men in the nieghborhood when I was 11, don't know why.

When I was 12, he backed me into a wall when I didn't fold up the paper for my mom with a smile on my face. He punched me so hard, I had black lips for days.

When my grown brothers and sisters (5 of them) would come 'home' periodically, there would be fist fights and cops called. All because they had voted republican.

I can remember banging my head violently against the wall while in my bedroom, somehow thinking this would stop all the yelling, punching and chaos.

Had a flashback recently, think I was a toddler,not able to walk, chaos everywhere around me, fighting and screaming. I'm left on the floor, crying, can't get away. I got kicked in the head.

I was 8, would hide out on the roof of the barn with a knife. Just knew if I died, somehow this nightmare would end.

I started cutting then. My mom caught me once, dragged me into the living room by my arm, blood going everywhere, called me a selfish piece of shit and told me to just knock it off.

I've always slapped my own face when I've gotten upset.

I have always banged my head hard against the wall when I can't stop the agony in my soul.

At 14, I left home, mom abandoned me to my sister's. She kicked me out after a month. I slept with a man in her bed and got caught. When I came home from community college trying to get a GED, my stuff was in paper sacks and I walked off, alone into the streets of Salem.

Lived in a projection room in a drive-in movie theater where a man gave me a job. Started doing drugs.

When I was 23, I had to commit my father to Steilcom mental hospital. He was threatening to kill my mom constantly. I had to help her. While waiting in the ER, him strapped to a bed, he said I "Always were such a good cock sucker."
I think my father raped me in my mouth starting around the age of three.:crazy:

Picked up on the streets, crying in the rain once I got into Oregon State, without their help, they just signed the financial aid papers. I was the way I got off the streets. I was picked up by a man who took me to a hotel room. Can't remember what happened.

My father had wanted me to be a tennis star, I was already a straight A student, overachiever, perfect kid. He would come after me on the court, racket raised, threatening to beat me when I felt like giving up. I could never hit a shot that was up to his standards. He constantly called me a quitter and a failure.

My throat is hurting now, feel like I'm suffocating.

Got a $99 dollar a month room at school where we shared a kitchen etc in the middle. Other girls were out their having fun, laughing. I couldn't even come out of my room to pee while they were there. I'd pee in a cup and dump it down my own sink.

I still pee in a cup, I live alone. I relished peeing in my ex's cup, who abused me because I have PTSD. I raged until he too was gone.

I've always chosen men 'in-between' jobs who live off me. Three years with one, who blamed me, took me for drugs, I couldn't get into parts of my brain. I didn't sleep for 7 years, not one good nights sleep. I was psychotic at that time.

My brothers and sisters will have nothing to do with me. They blame me and say I made my own bed, should sleep in it.

Would always lie next to a man, very promiscuous, sleeping with all my bosses, sleeping with my teachers at school, sleeping with anyone who could comfort me, even for a few seconds. I would have panic attacks while lying next to them, all of them. I was used a lot.

At 23 I married. He slept with someone while I was visiting my dieing father. My mother would call me constantly and tell my how she wanted to put poison in his OJ, that would end his suffering. She'd lock him in the apartment, hide all the knives and go play bingo. Dad was a terrified shell, couldn't talk, a skeleton. She treated him like he was normal. On that visit, she picked him up out of bed and tried to force him to go out for a walk. His bony fingers grasped at the door frame. It was terrible.

At 23, my husband had an affair while I was in LV, watching my father die slowly and my mother, in denial, of course. I got pregnant when I returned. 11 weeks into it, my husband, who had stopped coming home at night, told me about the affair. I called mommmy, distraught. The good catholic woman she was said, "you get rid of that ****ing baby, who do you think you are?'

I punched my abdomen until it was black and blue, then went and got an abortion.

I was raped in college by a black man and his girlfriend. I sort of just gave up while it was happening. Called mom, distraught, "Well, just stay in school and we'll talk to you next week!" all cheery like.

I almost finished a degree in math, then went off and quit because I thought someone loved me. He didn't and now I was far from school. Did a lot of meth, drinking, pool halls, sleeping around.

Nightmares starting, flashbacks of being backed into the corner and punched hard, my head going from side to side. It's hard to drive now, too much stimulation.

I have men in my life, no jobs of course. I rage until they leave and blame the failure of the relationship on my craziness. I believed them. Over and over it keeps happening.

I know one of my triggers now, unemployed men. Men in generall really. Bullying chauvinist bosses who disrespect me. The anxiety is tremendous.

Diagnosed with PTSD, chronic depression and Fibro 13 years ago. Paralysis and huge pain in my body for years. No where to turn. My brother doesn't even believe I have pain. Says I'm making it up. Blamed me for committing my dad to a mental hospital. Says I blame my messed up life on my family. Just want to blame someone other than myself.
I believed him.

Complete nervous breakdown in Colorado at 29, harassed and stalked at work, owner said that 'some women like that kind of attention." I didn't pursue anything. Just a fetal position and shaking like a leaf. Even gave two weeks notice. Don't remember driving back to Seattle. I think I was dissociated the whole entire time.

Fighting SSD, fighting private insurers, fighting myself to get it together. Trying to be a biologist. School was the only place I was safe, it seemed.
graduated Magna Cum Laude. Two biologist jobs, bosses humiliated me and bullied me. Consulting is not where I should be.

Two suicide attempts. First one, no one even picked me up from the hospital, walked home in hospital papers. the slits' in my wrists bandaged.

in the hospital twice for passing out due to dehydration, again, sent home in a cab in papers.

Last attempt, pills too long in me, activated charcoal. 'Friends and lovers" attacked me the very next morning..........they are gone. I'm alone again, isolated. My T is the only one I trust. I screamed in the ambulance in handcuff for grabbing one of the cops balls, I screame over and over "it's not my fault!" That attempt almost worked.

Therapy for two years now. Trying to work, trying to stabilze. Still haven't done EMDR yet, too much happening. But I'm alone now, waiting for SSD again. I hate the thought of going up in front of the judge. It traumatized me the first time. I had to beg. So afraid of being homeless.

I believe in God, I love God, I'm certain there's a God...........I wonder why he hates me.........


I got a tatto yesterday of a cross on my lower thumb on the arm that has the long scar. I'm hoping I can look at it and it will help me to stay present. Anything to stay present and get on with things.

I just want to get on with things..........But I feel the damage in my brain. I feel it when I'm triggered. It hurts so bad. I hate the rages, but can't seem to stop them. The men I've been with have sort of deserved it....using me, I've pampered them and they just use me and blame me. So tired of getting blamed.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I go through these things in EMDR if I'll feel the feelings and be able to move past this.

Please God......I so want a good life, a good man, good experiences. It's been 43 years, not one good memory, only disaster.

The devil has been playing with me..........but the light is stronger.

Wow,
Went to 'girls night' last night for our street. Theresa, a very boisterous (especially when she's drinking) property owner here was talking about a rural cluster housing project on our street that Merle (a former client of mine) is doing.

Theresa was espousing to everyone at the table 'what a nice guy Merle is.' I came back with, 'well, I don't care for him. He asked me to change my scientific evaluation of a different project he was doing so he could take the 'falsified' data to the County and put in the road where he wanted it to go, through more wetlands, hence having more impact. He intimidated me to do this for him.'
Theresa shot back with, "Well, that's the way it is and you just need to get over Terri. He is a nice guy."

I said nothing. Yet later in the evening I found myself becoming angry. Felt victimized and bullied yet again.

Well, carried it around last night, had to take a Klonopin to even sleep, which I haven't had to do in a long time. Woke up this morning, shaking, angry, tired of being pushed around.

So I just called her and told her that what she did last night felt like 'bullying' to me. I also said, that my experience with Merle pointed to a lack of character, selfishness, unethical behavior, and putting profits over what's rght and legal. I suggested she examine the fact that he appears 'nice' to her because her brother is purchasing one of the lots.

My voice was shaking the whole entire time. I've sort of known that Theresa might not be a safe person, so I was prepared for an attack.

Instead, she explained she's had three martinis and was moving to the point that the development was going to happen, no matter what, and the lake community just needed to get over it.
I let her know, this seemed entirely like a plausable explanation and accepted it. I also let her know, that I'd been disturbed by her bad behavior and just had to call and clean things up............for my own benefit.

I'm so sick of dealing with bullying and just sitting there and taking it, later to carry it around and build anger, resentment, and hurt.

I think this was a big step. Wish I can get to the point when I can do it 'on the spot' but it seems that I don't even realize I'm being treated badly until, sometimes days or months later! I'm so used to it! It's so familiar.

I feel I had a success..........but Boy, it is agonizing for me to confront and stand up for my rights. I just hate to have to do it. But I'm getting better. I still don't think I'll ever like it. It makes me shiver in my boots...........

I'm terrified of going to work tomorrow. Haven't worked since last may.

Please Father. Give me one good experience having to do with work. I can't take anymore abuse or disrespect.

I'm worn down by the hypervigilance. Meditation helps.............feels like I've spent my whole life meditating, which is good. But my nervous system is so tired. It hurts.

Up at 4:30, stressed about entering a work place, always has been a place of bad experiences. I'm going to meditate, pet my cat, take a klonopin, and try to imagine that I'm going to a safe place to help out a friend with some chores.
Anything to get through it.

I think this was a big step. Wish I can get to the point when I can do it 'on the spot' but it seems that I don't even realize I'm being treated badly until, sometimes days or months later! I'm so used to it! It's so familiar.

This was a huge step. I don't know about you but when this kind of stuff happens to me I shut down. Later, I think, I should have ....

I can probably count on two hands the number of times I have responded to people who I percieve are attacking me. It is difficult to do because I'm used to getting physically harmed if I dare say anything that is confrontational.

Bravo, you stood up for yourself.

Bless you Cindy,

So nice to talk with people who understand and who don't condemn or blame me for being 'too nice' etc.
'Just let go of your resentment.' etc. Like I'm not trying.

I worked 6 hours, trimming plants, rung some people up. It was nice, not bothered, harassed, no negativity, rudeness, my boss is wonderful so far.

I'm exhausted, like someone plugged the plug on my energy. Almost 12 years now of Fibro and chronic fatigue, a whole lifetime of PTSD.

I must say, I hate the people who've done this to me. I'm 42 and my life consists of fear of becoming homeless and horrible, endless fatigue. Now I have to fight SSD AGAIN.......I'm so scared. They make you feel like someone trying to get something for nothing.

My abusers stole my life :mad: I'm so angry.........nothing I can do but pray. It's so very sad.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm waiting for it all to be over......