Feeling a little better today. Slept from 5pm to 6 this morning.

Trimming the plants, I thought of God. It was so nice to have a work day where I wasn't surrounded by complaining and negativity.

I had to tell them I could only work a max of 18 hours a week, since the SSD hearing is coming up. Seems I can only make a max of $640 a month for awhile. I'll still be going down in savings, but if I get the SSD, I'll make it.

I really want to pursue my 'real' career as a biologist. But I'm worried about the fatigue. I guess at some point I can try again, if it doesn't work, I can go back to the SSD.

I want to buy a little piece of private property in the woods somewhere and place a yurt on it, maybe two. I have some savings, with the back pay on the SSD, might be possible.

Then I want to write, write, write........mostly about the evidence of God in nature. Anne Dillard is one of my idols.

I'm thinking I can do this someday. I'm feeling a little better...........but tired of being poor all the time. After two degrees and such an impressive resume, I'm still poor. Can't even afford to turn the heat on now, don't want my savings to go down. I wrap up in a heating pad to stay warm.

I wanted a man so we could pursue these dreams together. Makes it a little easier and more fun with two. I've pretty much given up on men. Never met a good one. They all seem like children to me..........they just want a Mommy. I'm trying to Mommy myself! Don't want to be a Mommy to a man. But if I am, at least they can work! I always get the ones who stop working midstream............I hate that. I'm sick of them. All or nothing thinking?

If I ever do try again, I'm making sure they have money. I've always thought this was so despicable and worked not to be like that..........but, crap, why not! I'm not sure what else they are really good for? I never get much cuddling, no understanding for my feelings, I just work and work for them. So now, they have to have money........but also the same values for nature and 'low impact' as I do.
I had a date with a man on the lake a couple of years ago. He was building yet another house. He took me and showed me his $90,000 foundation. I just wanted to puke. I look across the lake at his place now, and he's just mowed down all the trees in front of his house all the way down to the shore............I hate that. So selfish. I can't stand the decadence I see all around me on the lake, million and a half dollar homes, etc. What's the point?
I guess I'm a little negative on this stuff. I'm not a member of the ELF, promise. There's nothing wrong with people wanting a nice home. They've worked hard.
I've worked hard too.........seem to be getting nowhere right now. Always staring over after being harassed and bullied at work.

Anyway, rambling in my diary today.:dontknow:

My self esteem is getting better.

I noticed yesterday that I wasn't pushing myself to be the best at cutting the little plants. I didn't feel like I was beng watched, like I was going to get hi any minute.

I noticed that I felt like I had nothing to prove to anyone. That I could just do the task at hand, and not be hyperviligant or feel like I wasn't good enough, or get in trouble at any minute.

I'm making progress, now I just hope my health will get better.

Just went for my walk, got some energy back and my walks are such a touchstone of my life. I've always walked, except when I wasn't in my body, I'd walk for hours and hours. I think I hurt myself like that. I'm more moderate now.

But Theresa, the one I confronted, was out in front of the house talking to, I guess, her Spanish maid (our lake is a bit on the yuppy side, I live in a tiny 600 s.f. run down cabin, soon to be replaced with a $2 million dollar home:mad:). But, anyway, I said "looks like it's kids and dogs day" because the mexican lady had two kids with her and three dogs were out.

Theresa totally ignored me.

At first, my brain went, "I hate f***cking people", but then, as soon as I noticed I was losing my peace, I changed it to, "perhaps she's just embarassed." "Who knows what she has going on, the most important thing is that you cleared the air for yourself and got it off your chest, if she's hurt, can't stand you, or just has a tampon up her a*ss, it doesn't matter, what matters is your feelings." "And if she's offended, she should have said so when we talked. Don't want someone as a friend who can't do that."

I think my thought patterns are getting better.

Boy, there's still a part of me that wants to blow her away! Shining some light on it here to take the power out of it!

When I was 26 or so, it seemed like my hips dropped, or something.

I'd always looked like a boy, anorexic. Straight and narrow, no boobs. Then my hips did something......I freaked out, I completely freaked out.........

Started having horrible nightmares of his claws around my hips, bony and barely with any skin on them. My hips bones would hurt, ache.

Had nightmares of him 'floating' in the corner of my bathroom.

Between the depression and the lack of sleep, I was losing it altogether.

F*ck, he did something to me! Wasn't enough just to beat me and hate me and never talk to me after age 10, he frigging did something to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

Then I'd look in the mirror at my eyes, all I could see was my mom in me. I shaved my head.

I was completely out of my body for years. My toes all turned into fungus, complete yeast overgrowth in my body, constant illnesses, depression like you can't believe. All the while, I had to work........people would say, "you are so cute." I f****cking hated that! I hated that cause I looked like my mom.

I was melting down constantly, men wouldn't leave me alone. Couldn't walk out my door without being 'hit' on. I was terrified constantly. Just wanted to be invisable. I was so unstable.....no sleep for years.

Then, the paralysis.....woke up, and my entire body had seized up. Had to go to work.
All this, and men move in with me and don't work and wonder why I'm constantly raging? Picking up knives?

Mother F did something to me. The beatings I can take, my mother's sick communications ("oh, Terri(said really sickly), what do you want?"). She told all my brothers and sisters all I wanted was money and that I was a loser and to stay away from me. She lied to them. I stopped at an older sister's once and she said, "my God, you are nothing like mom said you were, you are a decent person."

Why me? God, why me? And the still all hate me? I'm so confused. The confusion is the worst. My head is twisted into knots.........

I hate them. I absoltely hate them.

I want to say sh*t, f*ck and million times, really fast.

I feel like killing both of them if they were only alive still.
I'm so angry. It seems there's never an end to the anger.

Sorry, folks, this is pretty awful. Hope it's not triggering anyone too much.
My life has really sucked. I've been losing my mind ever since I can remember.

Why Lord?

T, Your courage in dealing with this and writing about it is awesome. I am cheering for you. Please don't stop.

The other stuff was 'easy' to write. This part is making me really anxious. I have to go to bed soon. Trying to 'feel my feelings.'
Had a doc say that once, I said 'what I feel is complete terror!" What the h*ll? I'm supposed to feel that?

How does one 'feel' terror? I don't understand. My head just hurts and I feel sick.

Why did I even start this d*mn thing?
Thanks for the support Shoshin.......this sucks man.

Geez,

Woke up this morning remembering how my Mom and b*tch sister stopped by on a 'surprise' visit when I was 20. I was tending bar in a popular place in Oregon. It was late afternoon, so not that many people in there, thank heaven.

I was actually sort of proud I was working in this 'hip' place. My Mom walked in, started screaming at me, telling me what a loser I was, slapped my face in front of everyone and said,"You're never going to be anything but a stinking waitress."

I slunk away in shame and started washing glasses. They left town.

Then, 23, moved out to be an innkeeper at a really nice B&B on the coast with my boyfriend at the time. Mom & Dad stopped by in their RV from their travels, piece of crap RV, they were always poor. I got them the honeymoon suite to stay in for a night, trying to be a good daughter.

Dad walked in it and said immediately, "This is so f*cking stupid fancy, who f*cking needs it." Turned around and went back to the RV with Mom. Showed his self esteem, really. I had no idea what to say to the owners.........

The next day, just couldn't deal I guess. Was completely numb, not even functioning really. Barely remember grabbing a blanket and walking out the back door of the inn. I went into the sand dunes, curled in a fetal position under some scrub in a depressional area, and just lie there until sundown, shaking. Then came back. Everyone had been wondering where I went. My father said something like, "always a quitter, like I thought."

Later, when I decided to leave that job, too many bad memories. The owner said, "we'll, your young white and 21, I'm sure you can find something to do."
I just took it, didn't even say a word.

I had broken up with my boyfriend a few months early. He found me leaving a bar one night, stuck a knife in my stomach, I grabbed it with my hand, slicing all my fingers. Still have the scars, blood everywhere.

The owners of the inn got their hotshot Seattle lawyer brother to defend my boyfriend. I completely caved. Just wanted it all to go away. Talking with the lawyer brother..........His wife, 8 months pregnant in the next room, he tried to put his hands down my pants.

This is when I really realized there was no such thing as real love in the world. This was right after my best friends husband snuck into my room when I was spending the night with them and started foddling me. I think all me are pretty selfish.........just my experience.