Anyway, Way too many horrible job experiences to even convey here. I realize now what a victim I was.

Finally finished my degree after a series of abusive jobs I would't leave cause I thought I just had to endure the suffering, or else I was a quitter.

Finally got my degree, thought I'd get some respect. Worked for Environmental Consulting firm. Wrote a Biological Assessment for impacts to ESA listed fish on the Cowlitz. The head Biologist wanted my to 'calculate' the aquatic impact area based on studies down on underwater sound travel. This was said in a conference call I was in on.

I spent three days researching. Calculated the best I could what the extent of impact for harassment and harm, all kinds of mathematical models I cited. This was in a riverine environment, so not many studies done there, so I had to make some assumptions and back them up with logic. Wrote an extensive reply.
My boss called me in the office, got another biologist on the speaker phone who had worked for him from New Zealand, called in the other three Bios in the office. They all totally tore my work apart, an hour of not construtive critcism...........just humiliation. Said I'd taken the whole question and over complicated it. I said, "she said she wanted calculations!" He said, "there's bends in the river, you don't listen, you just want to toot your own horn." Exact words. His intention was to humiliate me. I was humiliated..........

Left just in shock that day. The next day I picked up Mocha's for everyone. I put a whole box of chocolate laxatives in his...............had to do something to fight back.
He continued to pick on me. I would just shut down. Stand behind my desk and criticize every word I used in a document for hours. One night, he kept me to 9pm, criticizing. I thanked him the next day. That's how much of a doormat I was. Finally, coudln't take it anymore. Walked out on morning. Went home and sunk into a depression that I'd never experienced before in my life.
Finally met with a therapist after getting out of bed only to pee for a month.........She wouldn't take responsibility of me until I was hospitalized.

Shouldn't tell therapist's right off the bat that your considering blowing away people.

Then I found my current T. She too wanted me in a top notch trauma hospital right away,but I couldn't afford it. Decided to do it outpatient.
That was two years ago.

ps..........I graduated from UofW, top notch research Univ with degrees in Biology and Quantitative Science, 3.89 GPA............I'm not an idiot. He made me one. The other Bios there said he did it repeatedly because I let him.

Ughh,

I was 8, my German Shepard, Zorro, jumped in the pig pen. He never hurt them, just nuzzled with them. We used to let him do it all the time.

One time, Dad was out there. Pig cans are thick heavy wooden things. Zorro never had a chance. Dad chased him around, repeatedly pounding his back with the cane, over and over my dog yelped in pain, couldn't think quickly enough to jump out and get away. Seems like it went on forever. Dad chased him like he wanted to kill him. He almost did.

I only wished it was me in his place. I thought if I died, everyone else would be OK..........I was only 8.

Zorro never walked the same again. When we moved from that house, my father told me to lay down and bowl of food..........and we left. I never saw my beloved friend again. I hate Dad for this mostly. Do anything to me, I can take it...........do it to my dog........I'll kill you next time.

I've always had dreams of shootng him with a shotgun. I just thought this was normal.

I feel sadness.........that's close to something, right?

I have to hae a lay person testify at my SSD hearing. I had to call my old "friend' in Seattle, only 'friend' I have left. Actually, I haven't called her yet, sent her an e-mail. She said she'd do it, of course, she has Fibro also.

But can't talk to her about the PTSD.......tried to once, after my 2nd attempt, and she just said, 'darling, don't live in the past.' My T says she's from Romania and they are just like they, they lived through the wars and don't believe in looking back.

But I just feel sick thinking about calling her. I don't trust anyone talking about the PTSD. I'm so sick of being 'put down' told to 'get over it, ' etc. etc. Makes me feel like such a loser...........

Dont' they realize when your 'f*cked in your mouth when your three, beaten, surrounded by violence, that this does something to your brain? Why can't people just get that?

More injustice...........I'll get through it. She's well meaning and a safe person, never betrayed me or treated me bad (yet). I just hate it though.

TLight, make sure you pace yourself. I recently wrote too much and went into a bit of a tailspin. My T told me to pace myself...less is more...let it out gradually...steadily...because each time we open an old wound, it will bleed, even if we cannot see it on the surface...you are so strong and I admire what you are doing. You have been, you are, and you will be a survivor. I am still cheering for you.

Thanks Shoshin,
I'll take your advice.

Well guys,
I told my T about this forum. She's pretty worried about it. Afraid I'll get hurt or that there are people on here who are perps disguising themselves as sufferers.

I admit. I've been spending a lot of time on here since I found it. I'm a little freaked about that myself. I think I need to get out and do life a bit more. Find out how to really do boundaries instead of just exposing more, which I did here. That's how I get hurt.

Anyway, I'll be signing off. Don't think this is a good venue for me.

I feel like crying! Why have you just left? What made you think there are bad people on here? I am scared now!

Please mail TLight.

Spirit x

I am scared to stay now!

Is it just what you T said?

Spirit x

Tlight,

Are you ok? I understand being scared...but please give us a chance. There are good people here. If you need a break that is certainly ok and understandable but please know that there are people who care and who understand.

I left for a while and the main reason I came back was because I have not come across many people who do... Being alone is a hard and scary thing...but then again for us sometimes the opposite is true also.

No pressure, just know that you are not alone.

Jet