I don't want you to go either TLight. I am real and genuine! I am here if you want to talk. I am sorry I freaked out - what you siad triggered me!

Spirit x

you are imporant, to me you are! Another girl like me! Please think about this before you just go!

I will stop messaging now! I am here for you. Spirit!

Thanks to Spirit, Jet, Shoshin..........all who wanted me back.

I realize I did an 'all-or-nothing' thing. Got very scared.

Today? Huh, It's 8:40 am. I need to leave for work at the Nursery in a half an hour. Taking a shower has wiped me out.........the Chronic Fatigue again. supposed to try and make 8 hours today. Trying to rest right now, gain some energy.

Only working 2-3 days a week. Savings are depleting. Don't want to turn on the heat, can't afford. SSD hearing on April 18th............huh, dreading it really, fighting with them for 12 years. I'm not a loser.........I'm sick, I have a disability. I want to work! But they don't treat you like that.

Anyway, the sun is out here today! Such a rare occurance. I think I will focus on that and focus on enjoying my day, pacing myself, and knowing that God will take care of me.............

I'm going to go to a Working Women's Meetup here in town next wednesday. REally just to make friends, experiment with boundaries, establish some contacts, do something normal............I think it's a good move. Trying to make some positives here.
Also want to do some volunteer work at the ole folks home, sit and talk with them, play games, give and recieve some light and good. I know God has a purpose for me, would like to be a field biologist.........but that may still come. The past will not haunt me forever...........yes, I have the physical effects, but I can put that into perspective and just deal.

HOpe everyone is planning a wonderful Easter! The Resurrection! New Birth! A New Start! Fertility! Bunnies Everywhere! :hello:

I am probably not going to stick around today. Really, really tired. Have a lot of stuff to do today too. But I wanted to say that I am glad you decided to stay...Also I think that your Working Women meeting and definately the ole folks are great too.

Just remember to rest...Take care of you.
Jet

I am glad you are still here.

You're not alone. And what you feel is a shared feeling. I find plants and animals very soothing creatures to be with.

B and I are looking into buying a house in the next year - year and a half...he was all gung ho about the sub-devision his twin is moving into...nice enough looking and you pick it all out yourself yada yada yada....

But then I started talking about wanting less house, more land...It is not that I want to hide away from society or anything...But I believe that having the space to get closer to the earth...be it through gardening, horseback riding, having animals, etc...will make me better able to cope with life in the real world...


I think he still thinks I am a little nuts though...

I reread my diary. All those events are in my conscious mind.........but I don't really feel anything still.
My therapist says I'm feeling better because I have some distance on the memories. I think I'm feeling better because I got the crappy man out of my house, am not stressed by work and not being triggered. But I do feel better. Like I can maybe get on with things.

But it still worries me that I'm not feeling anything when reading all this. Perhaps that's good, perhaps I should just leave it at that.

Perhaps its time to just concentrate on not getting victimized anymore.

I did do a lot of, what felt like, grieving when I got my ex out. Grieving for a ton of stuff, I guess.

I should just be glad I feel better and not second guess it. I'm just not sure how this healing stuff works, because we really haven't worked with any of the memories in therapy yet. Am I still numb?

The anger seems less, but that's because I'm not being triggered. I wonder what will happen when I get involved with a man again? Am I going to go beserk? If he doesn't have a job, I know I will.

Pondering...........

Good to see you back. I'm kind of all or nothing myself. Totally understand.

Oh yeah...you are still numb. Which of course makes sense since you have been through more in your life then most in the real world would get in 10 lifetimes. There is no way you would be able to process it all at once so...

And as much as I hate to say it you are going to have to work your way through it and it will hurt like hell...I'm sorry.

Honestly I would not stress about the future...it will come when it gets here and in the meantime you should focus on getting through today. You are doing great.

As for the man thing...well you probably will get triggered...a lot I am sure. So I guess it would depend on the man...Triggering does not necessarily mean the guy is bad news...It is going to be a matter of taking your time and finding the one who is worth it.