Hi.

I've been browsing and trying to learn about PTSD a lot lately, and just found this forum.
I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago though I loved him with all my heart, and still do.

Everything was ok but when time came for us to live together he started to act weird. He seemed confused, became distant, couldn't express his feelings.
I suffered a lot from this change and finally realised he had a problem with setting up together.
He said he wanted to "try for me", but he was scared.
I tried to make him talk about why he was so scared about sharing a place but he could just tell me he was "stuck with himself" and that it had nothing to do with me and that he knew it was hard for me too.

Communication became really hard from then, and I had the feeling he was just trying to avoid a real conversation. I couldn't understand him at all.
I told him we could stop our relationship if he was not happy with me or uncertain about his feelings, but he said he didn't want it.
He became so passive, didn't try to improve the situation and I got totally discouraged. I felt he was indifferent and decided to break up.

He told me he didn't want our relationship to stop, that he thought it was just a break.
He kept telling me that he didn't want me to suffer and that I deserve to be happy. But I still couldn't get any explanation about the way he felt and why he didn't want to live with me.

I know my boyfriend lived a traumatic event a few years ago. Don't know much about it cause he didn't really want to talk about it.

He was sharing a flat with his girlfriend and her brother, who was also his best friend at that time. One day the last one commited suicide.I know nothing about the circumstances around this terrible event.
I just know after that his girlfriend broke up with him and he had to live the flat. Then my boyfriend's parents came to pick him up and took him back home. He told me he was only 55kg at that time, so I guess he was in a very bad state. It's all I know about that story.

Just one time my boyfriend showed me a picture of that friend he seemed to love so much.

I don't know if I'm right or not, but I was wondering if my boyfriend could suffer of PTSD and that would maybe explain how reluctant he was to share a place with me, like it could be a symptom of avoidance?

He had frequent mood changes, like he would tell me he was down.
He said he didn't know why, maybe the weather.
Lately he spent too much time alone watching movies. Before sleeping, in his bed, like it helped him to fall asleep.
He even downloaded a documentary about families and friends feelings after suicide of loved ones.

Even if he never let me know, I'm sure he was suffering, but kept it all inside. When I tried to talk about it with him, he just said "not now" "we'll talk about it another time".

Do you think the fear he felt about living with someone again could have lead him to let our relationship die?

Before meeting me he spent several years without having a girlfriend, now with hindsight I think it was maybe a way for him to protect himself from an eventual suffering...

In the beginning of our relationship, he told me he had a block in his head, I didn't really understand what he meant...

I remember I felt it weird he couldn' t say "I love you", and one day I was asking him about his feelings for me and it made him cry to tell me he loved me, like saying those words were a real source of suffering for him...

I feel so helpless I couldn't understand him and things ended this way.
I love him so much and I wish even if it's not with me he can have a happy relationship, to love and be loved again.
He's 31, handsome and interesting, it's such a waste he seems to be convinced that a real relationship is not for him.

Thanks for your help.

I've just remembered something he told me : "you keep me normal."

I've been wondering about the meaning of this sentence.

As a PTSD sufferer do you feel like being in a relationship makes you feel "normal", I mean like you feel you can love and be loved like anybody despite of your anxiety and fears?

I'm sorry if I'm not very clear, but English is not my mother tongue.

any opinion?

Hello,
I have no great insight, although I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend told me he had ptsd very early on in our relationship, but I had no idea what it was nor did he show any symptoms. His is combat ptsd from military service. Anyway, he was quickly able to express his love and say "I love you" way before I could. We had a wonderful, symptom free 8 months. Then at the end of January he went into a downward spiral with his ptsd. He says he is not good enough for me and that he is destined to walk alone because he is no good for people.

I have just encouraged additional treatment....he already takes meds and gets a tiny bit of counseling. And I also let him know that I am here for him even though he is pushing me away. That is about all you can do. They have to want to get better. You can't make then want to get better.

Just encourage him to get treatment and let him know you are there.
Good luck to you.

Sisu

Thanks a lot for your post Sisu. It's very appreciated.
It's good you can encourage your boyfriend to get treatment and you can talk about it.

My ex is aware there's "something wrong" with him, he told me so and clearly expressed the way he could feel lost and confused sometimes.
But he never really explained what made him feel this way, and I have no clue if he got treatment or meds in the past.

Now I've read about PTSD and I'm informed, I know about shut outs, delayed reactions, sleep issues... and it makes sense. I start understanding the behaviour he had and that didn't make any sense to me at first.

After I decided to break up, I sent him an email with info about PTSD.
I felt I had to do so. I told him we trust each other enough, and I hope he knows I care for him so much. I told him I apologize and hope he won't be angry at me if he thinks PTSD doesn't concern him or it's not my business.

He answered he didn't know what PTSD is, and that he would read what I had sent.
Since then no news from him. I'm not really surprised about it.
I wonder what he thought about what he read...I have no clue if it helped him in any way.

Sometimes I wonder if sending him these info about PTSD was not too agressive, and if it was a good thing to do. I kinda feel guilty I didn't act the right way with him.

Now I feel like there's not much more I can say or do...

I know it's confusing.
He could have PTSD, maybe not. But if he never dealt with his grief properly, he's definitely got some major depression -- and a problem.

I suffered severe but fortunately acute-ish depression and I know living and being on your own when you are depressed feels like the only way. I hid from the world for 6 months, and as I started healing again in CBT, I ran home to the womb, to my parents and eventually got my sh*t together again. PTSD or depression or both -- he needs treatment, counselling and you're not the woman for the job, it will inevitably break you, especially if he is not ready to be helped and even if he is, you need to be strong -- you don't need to know everything. Once he is healing he will want to look it away anyway.

When you're really, really depressed, peoples energy good or bad tends to zap you -- depression causes you to be a hermit, a recluse, an introvert.
But it is not healthy to spend too much time on your own, that could also be why he find being or living with you makes him feel normal. We are complicated creatures us humans, and even when we think we don't need human contact -- we do. Depression clouds that awareness a lot!

I'd suggest, that if he wants to be in your life, just take him out of the house, for a walk, some chilled time, quality time. And then, if it feels right -- advise he gets some counselling, but don't be his counsellor and don't push him or pressure him to get counselling either, he probably already know she needs it, and he'll do it when he is ready. He may have to hit rock bottom. And it is not your responsibility or in your control to get him there. Just explain that you can't help him, but you can support him if he tries to help himself. Explain you need to protect yourself too or you'll get depressed.

You can't fix anything. You can't control him. I dare say his feelings for you making him feel normal are also connected to his feelings for you, he cares for you deeply, and he feels alien to that feeling, or is fighting it, is uncomfortable with it but knows it's a normal thing to care. He's clearly uncomfortable with normal right now.

I have started a massive post in the introductions forum entitled " I love a very beautiful man with PTSD". Maybe my story can help you.
Feel free to ask questions there, some sufferer friends of mine that I made on here frequent the page regularly too, as well as others who seem to be finding the thread helpful, or at least interesting. So might you.

Be strong and look after yourself -- you can't expect to make a difference until he is ready to make his own.

Thanks a lot samsara.
What you wrote makes a lot of sense.

PTSD or not, I know he suffers and I think it's because "he never dealt with his grief properly" as you said.
Leaving for another country to start afresh doesn't mean your problems are solved unfortunately...

Actually I told him I love him and could help him, but if he doesn't want to try and change things, talk about it to get help, then there's nothing I could do.

It's hard but I'll have to accept that...

I guess one day he'll realise he's just not living but kind of "surviving" and he deserves more than that. I hope he'll be truly happy then.

I read your post in the introductions forum and it's helping. I'll keep reading it!
Thanks again.

These days I'm so worried he might not have appreciated that I sent him info. about PTSD and he could be angry at me because of that...

I can't help but feel guilty.

I'm afraid I'll never hear from him anymore ...

Neverforget,

Try not to beat yourself up over this. There is no reason to feel guilty!

You didn't make him angry (if he is angry). His PTSD made him angry - anger is a huge component of PTSD. And, if he is angry about the mention of PTSD, his denial about having PTSD could also make him angry.

It is NOT wrong for one person to suggest to another that they get help. Clearly, your former BF has some issues and could likely benefit from some counseling or some sort of therapy. From what you have written, the relationship was over before you sent that information to him, so that wasn't the reason for his withdrawal from you. Even if the information about PTSD angered him, that means he is not wanting to face his problem yet. If he cannot face his problem, then he is not ready to be in a relationship.

And, from what you have written, he isn't ready to be in a relationship, and getting closer to you scared him to the point of withdrawing from the relationship. That means he isn't available, emotionally, for a relationship right now.

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

You're right. I wish I could take things as they are and accept this truth.
I can feel it's going to take me some time.

I guess I'm disappointed cause I was hoping for some kind of reaction from him after I sent these info...like I could have felt it was not useless...

I should know by now that those are HIS issues, and I should accept that he didn't have any reaction. Cause it's his life. And he's the only one responsible for it.

Thanks a lot for your post Cowgirl.