It may be that somewhere down the road, your ex will benefit from having once heard about PTSD. Perhaps he will someday reach a point in his life where he decides things MUST change for him, and he will think about that and decide to get help, decide to help himself. Don't think that your suggestion was in vain. It simply wasn't something he was ready to jump on at this point in his life. You wanted to help him, but he isn't ready for help just yet.

But right now, think about you. Give yourself time to grieve, because it sounds like that is what you are doing? Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong. Don't beat yourself up. You are a good, worthy person. Remember that.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

Yes, I have to take care of myself now.

I've been feeling totally down these days, lots of crying. But I can feel it's a necesarry step in the process...
I am accepting the relationship's over.

Thanks for your warm words Cowgirl.

Lately I start thinking, that he simply didn't care about me at all.
And that he maybe has no issues at all.
That he just treated me this way cause he's not a good person.
And that I was just blind not to see it, and stupid to love him so much...

Maybe I just want to convince myself of that so I can move on, I can be angry against him, persuade myself he wasn't worth it and start to forget him.

I don't know what happens to me, it's weird to feel like that...

Sometimes it is necessary to demonize an ex for a time, in order to put some emotional distance between you. In time you will be able to release that anger and let it go as well, but probably not until you have sufficiently distanced yourself from him and done some significant healing.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

Thanks Cowgirl.

Lately I've been thinking about getting some help cause it seems I can't overcome that by myself.
I'm still asking myself too many questions and I realise I'm feeling depressed.

As you said I really need to take some distance.

If you feel like you need help then you probably do. Please take care of yourself neverforget.

Thanks Nicolette.

I've seen a psychologist today.

I told her all about the story, my feelings, some things my ex said to me, everything.
I just let it all go, opened myself totally and found myself crying in front of her... bit embarassing.

I realised how much this relationship has had a deep impact on me.

She explained it was normal to feel that way, cause I went through a break up + I had to take the initiative of breaking up while I loved my ex + I wanted so much to help him and I have this feeling I failed + now I have taken some part of his suffering as a weight on my shoulders (I would never have thought that but I think she's right)

She told me I have to accept it's gonna take some time to heal, and I can't forget everything so quick and move on this easily. I just shouldn't deny the hurt.
I have to take my time to get back on my feet.

She explained that my ex surely had strong feelings for me, but for him they were a source of angst, fear and panic, cause now, after having struggled so many years, he has suceeded in stopping all drugs and have a "normal", rigorously organized lifestyle and he's afraid he could lose control again and be owerflowed by his feelings by letting someone getting closer.
The distance is protecting him in some way.
She said having to share a daily routine with someone could be difficult for him.
I liked what she said, that I came closer to a porcupine, tried to caress it, and got hurt.

But she told me on the other side he certainly didn't want to stop our relationship cause he was surely happy to feel loved, to feel some comfort after all these years alone in pain, and have me as a "crutch" in some way.

But I simply couldn't last long in this position, cause he never tried to answer to my questions, open his heart to explain just a bit how he felt, he stayed passive and I never received comfort from him, I was the only one trying to make things work, to set up some communication, so I finally ended up exhausted and depressed, not having much to cling to.

However I am aware the "little" he gave me, was real effort for him cause he hadn't been that close to anyone for years.
But It was definitely not enough to make a girl happy, that's for sure.

She told me it would have been unhealthy for me to stay and it was a good decision to break up.
And that he could have been maybe more responsible in "stopping" the relationship earlier as I did express the possibility for us to be friends rather than a couple.

In her opinion he certainly has a feeling of guilt about the suicide of his best friend, because they were taking drugs together, and because his girlfriend told him to leave just after that happened too.

Thinking about that makes me feel truly sad.

She expressed the idea my ex maybe wanted to punish himself about what happened by leaving his family, country and good job, to a new country where he was all alone, broke, doing shitty jobs and not having a real home to live in.
She said that right now, he still doesn't seem to authorize himself to be happy.

According to her, it's possible that he went through a first trauma during childhood and that the suicide of his friend released all the pain he had inside.
But we'll never know...

She felt that today I'm still not angry at him, and that I'm bit stuck, always thinking too much, having regrets about what could have been...
She's right.

I wanted to write about my appointment, I don't know if it's really useful but hope maybe it can help a carer in some way.

I want to say a big thanks to all of you who posted in this thread, especially Cowgirl, it's been really comforting for me to find this website, it's a great place.

Thanks Neverforget,

You have helped me with the information from your session. I am a carer of someone with PTSD, I care for me, I have PTSD symptoms.

My relationship ended six months ago with a man I was and am still in love with. I pushed him away. I guess it was losing this love, (my first real love at the age of 36, that has enabled me to really start my journey to healing).

I guess it is a bittersweet lesson as it does seem that it is the end of the road for us. But, I will always be greatful for it, because without experiencing his love I may have continued down the road of denying myself anything good. Perhaps, your influence will be the same for him at some point too!?

You loved him and tried to help him be loved, he was not ready for that, and you cold not deny yourself feeling loved either. It never means that your love was not good enough or strong enough he was just not ready to embrace that. As the psychologist so rightly pointed out, he is not ready to let himself off the hook yet, concerning the past. His mispalced guilt is keeping him down and until he is willing to see that he is worthy of a good and happy life he will allow his guilt to anchor him there. A sad truth, but only one he can save himself from ( I know all to well).

You will love again and you will be loved. I can see you have a wonderful heart!

I am just thinking? Perhaps, you could send him the post above? Maybe he needs to see all of this from an objective perspective. Maybe, it could help him to see the pattern that he is repeating?

You need to think on this; you need to be sure that if you send it and he does not reply that it will not send you backwards in terms of recovering, don't try to fool yourself you need to be honest with you about that? I guess you could send it at a later date when you are feeling stronger and do not need to have any validation from him?

Well done!

Spirit x

Good for you, to go to a psychologist! I hope it helps you learn and grow. You need time to heal. It takes time, many months, perhaps.

And, you need time to learn and to grow from this. If you got so little from him, and you gave so much, then perhaps you need to examine WHY you fell so hard for a guy who didn't give you anything close to what you really need.

We learn something about ourselves through our relationships with others. So, though relationships can be painful if they don't work out, we come out through it with deeper self-knowledge. And if you take the time to really learn, you won't find yourself in the same relationship with a different face - sometimes, if we don't take time to learn about ourselves, we fall into patterns until we do listen and learn.

Hugs,

Cowgirl