I get really annoyed when my therapist uses the words 'abuser' or 'perpretator'. She acknowledges that I don't like those words and she hardly has to use them, but bad luck she is not going to 'soften' it. She calls a spade a spade etc.

One of my "traumas" is fragmented memories about possible sexual inappropiateness by a long gone uncle. Sometimes I'm sure it happened, sometimes I'm not.

My argument for not discussing it has been well I don't know for sure and I don't really remember anyway, when/if I remember I will tell you then. My therapist has been encouraging me to simply say what I do remember & we will take it from there, no assumptions or conclusions no judgements if I realise later that I got it wrong.

Finally at our last session I decide to talk a little about my feelings around the "memories".

It was difficult, but I managed it all okay.

Except now I'm really really pissed off about the whole thing & I'm trying to figure out why.

The thing that's really making me angry is that at one point I said to my therapist - "I feel like telling you is the wrong thing, that it's a secret, it's private and it shouldn't be discussed with you a stranger, and that I don't have the details right, that I'm a liar"

And she said "Well let's put those thoughts to one side as the voice of the abuser"

And this is really annoying me. Because 1) it's a wanky airy fairy therapy thing to say 2) how would she know the voice of the abuser she wasn't there 3) it's not the voice of the abuser, it's my voice so I feel like she's calling me an abuser 4) i would not call my "ex" uncle an abuser

I'm annoyed because I feel like if a client says "I have disturbing memories and I'm not sure what to make of them " a psychologist will always (maybe not say) but take the position that the client was abused.

So we are not really exploring my 'memories' together. She already has her mind made up about it. Which annoys me because I haven't made up my mind yet.

Now, I'm in rebellious teenager mode; I think screw it all I will binge drink, I will resort to bad habits if I want to, I will do what I like. I feel like being self destructive so I will. To hell with it all.

I know this behaviour isn't helpful, but why am I doing it? I need some help/challenges about what is going on beneath this anger (as according to some article on here anger is not an emotion but a cover for other emotions?).

Awakening, is it possible that you are feeling guilty or shameful about accusing your uncle? Or about your therapist accusing your uncle? Perhaps you feel like you are ratting him out or damaging his name or something along those lines?

I can identify with caring about someone and not wanting to tell others how he/she treated you.

Personally, I think your anger is justified. You clearly stated your purpose for discussing the memories, and your therapist did not come through with you regarding this purpose.

I also totally understand where you're coming from, and this is exactly why I don't discuss various disturbuing memories from my early childhood with therapists or doctors. I am afraid someone is going to judge the situation and call it something that I wouldn't. Wording is important, and I think that calling a "spade a spade" isn't the issue here. I think that would be fine IF you knew that there was abuse and just wanted to downplay it or something.

If you are willing to explore these memories, it's important that you do so with someone you trust, as many feelings (including anger, which in itself can be due to many things) can come up.

Take Care,
nic

Possibly Upstream. I'm not really sure as I can't remember him that well. He ran away when I was ten. He is not a blood relative - he was married to my aunt (my dad's sister). He has not made contact with my aunt or his children (my cousins) since then. He was seen after many years by his sister about 12 months ago. He was homeless and close to death due to his alcoholism.

He was an alcoholic during my childhood, I know that much.

I guess if you asked me my feeling about him, I don't get creepy or bad or anything.

I guess my over-riding feeling when I looked at a photo of him is that I feel sorry for him. Like he has problems that no one understands and he is always getting into trouble and he can't help himself. I feel bad for him I guess.

Awakening, I've had this struggle with my counselor as well. He once made the unfortunate choice of saying "I internalized my abuser," which made me want to puke, because it sounded like I let him into my head or willingly chose to blame myself. It took a long period before I felt like we came to an understanding on this and I came to recognize what I believe and feel about what happened to me.

Something that I notice in your post is that you are angry with your therapist for saying your self-blame is the voice of the abuser (admittedly, a poor choice of words). Could it be that you are taking issue with this specific thing because it allows you to avoid or elude her point?

Let's say the incidents you are describing weren't abuse. Could the voice of self-blame be a throwback to your earlier sexual assault as a teenager or the other difficulties you have faced? It needn't be that specific person's voice, but rather, the figure of an attacker.

I'll challenge you: what do you get by continuing to blame yourself and insist that the incident was nothing? What are you able to avoid or escape as a result?

kers

Sorry Nic - we must of posted at the same time.

I guess to be fair I constantly contradict myself about this uncle situation.

Bit of background I've been in therapy for nearly two years for a number of different reasons and events.

One of the main events was a sexual assault that happened to me at 18 (12 years ago), which I remember but had never discussed. We've been working on that with exposure therapy.

At the time of the sexual assault I had my very first 'memory' of my uncle being what I call sexually inappropriate - namely being drunk, exposing himself and asking me to touch him.

I told my therapist about this more as part of the story of my sexual assault at 18. Since then other memories or thoughts about my uncle have come up. I've been relunctant to discuss any of the memories including the first one because I don't know if it's a memory or not.

I'm not sure that the incident with my uncle even happened. My worry is that because my first memory of him came up after my sexual assault at 18 - that my mind was simply confused and due to anxiety I created this memory.

However, my therapist thinks it's not uncommon for one trauma (i.e. my sexual assault at 18) to trigger memory of another trauma (i.e. incident with uncle). Yet she says she reserves her judgement/opinion.

During the course of therapy I have said things like 'when I was abused by my uncle' and she has stopped me and said 'do you realise what you just said?' and I do, but don't know why I said it.

Or sometimes I will say 'x incident that happened the other day leaves me feeling the same way my uncle did when he hurt me'. Yet I don't know how he hurt me. Like the feelings & thoughts I have surrounding my uncle I can't connect to a solid incident/memory.

So it's all very fragmented and sketchy and very confusing, as I consider myself a smart, articulate, logical person. I certainly don't want to falsely accuse someone simply because of my own anxiety.

Bottom line: Sometimes I think obviously something did happen and other times I think well not necessarily you could just be letting your anxiety run away with you.

I guess Im angry because I want my doubts to be given as much attention as my accusations get. If that makes any sense?

I can relate, but I haven't found a way to resolve the conflict between feeling empathy for them yet also feeling wronged by them... if that makes sense? I'm still lost in the woods on this one.

Kers - thanks, I'm going to take a break & come back to you.

I appreciate all your replies, as this anger (and now some anxiety) is getting me all revved up. I'm determined to get to the bottom of it all as I've been pussyfooting around the issue for years now.

Hi Awakening, I learned of a repressed memory but can't prove it. I have had two aunts tell me my uncle molested me. I have no memory of that. So I don't think it happened, yet part of me thinks that it could have. I think it will reveal itself when you are ready and when I am ready to know the truth.

Take care
Tammy

Well I guess I don't see it as blaming myself. I don't think any of the incidents were my fault. I'm not sure either that I'm saying it's nothing.

What I am saying is; I have a problem with anxiety, and I always have from the time I was born. I'm a natural worrier. I get annoyed about how my anxiety can interfere with my perspective on things generally. I want to make sure that my anxiety is not marring my memory of any of my traumas.

It's important for me to be fair & reasonable, they are qualities I admire. And I hope people see in me. I don't want people to view me as being melodramatic, neurotic or hysterical or attention seeking.

I have to be honest and say control is important to me. It's important to me to be in control or at least be seen to be in control. Particularly control over my emotions. I also don't want people to control my thoughts or how I think. I don't like the fact that my therapist seems to have more control over the direction of our conversation then I sometimes do.

Not sure if I'm answering the question. I'm not sure if I gaining anything, but I am avoiding the out of control feeling I get when discussing or experiencing painful emotions that are associated with these traumas.

Possibly by thinking, intellectualising, analysing the traumas (i.e. getting stuck on terminology) prevents having to feel?

As for the anger, I think this ties into it. I'm angry because using the word 'abuser' has alot of negative connotations to me. Abuser to me is an evil sick person who is calculating & manipulative & runs a paedophile ring. An abuser is beyond redemption, has no nice qualities. They are weird, strange.

An abuser is not the guy next door, the family man, the nice bloke at the pub, the guy playing footy with his mates. To my thinking an abuser is not normal. They are abnormal.

And my uncle & employer (the guy who assaulted me at 18) were simply ordinary nice blokes. Not perfect of course but they were not some shady dodgy figures. They had families, they had jobs, mates, a sense of humour, compassion, nice qualities and I cared about both of them. I liked them.

Furthermore with a word like abuser, comes the word victim or survivor. I hate both those words too. Victim is weak, out of control, needing to be rescued. Survivor to me is just a loser new age term.

Perhaps I'm angry because I feel my ex-uncle, my ex-boss and me are being lumped into categories that are technically wrong. I'm feeling a bit like Case number 382, oh yes is showing classic signs of symptoms 4b) and 8e), and I feel dumb & inferior and as though my therapist knows me better then I know myself which makes me scared that she has more control over me then I have over myself.

Ultimately, it makes me feel lumped in with ex uncle & ex boss and widens the gap between me & therapist.