Last night, my husband and I were watching an episode of The Sopranos (We've been doing a DVD marathon -- what a show!). The lead character, Tony, was in his therapist's office over a recurrence of depression. His therapist stated, "Depression is rage turned inward."

My husband paused the DVD, turned to me, and asked, "Do you agree with that?"

Ohhh boy. There's no simple response to that...

Long story short: we conversed for an hour or so -- quietly, searching together for meaning and understanding. I've told him in detail about how I used to physically hurt myself, and about the insane rage that used to tear through me.

He's still here! He took my face in my hands and softly said, "You know that I only want to understand, don't you?" He told me that he's spoken in confidence with a few people about what we're going through...and before we went back to watching the program, he admitted, "I feel so...helpless to do anything for you." This time it was me who took his face in my hands and I said -- crying --> feeling!! YESSS! -- "You love me and accept me. That means everything."

After he went to bed, I ransacked the Internet and our CD collection for songs of love and gratitude, and made two CDs for him that I snuck into his coat pocket before he left for work today.

I still feel teary, and I'm listening to those songs as I write now. I am so grateful to be feeling! And for my sweet man...all I can do is shake my head and be gob-smacked at the miracles of love, mercy, and kindness...

Roo,

What a wonderful man you have on your path with you! I'm so happy for you.

Most men want to run from strong emotions in women, others get angry because they are afraid of their own vulnerability.

You are very lucky girl. Treat him well.........You DESERVE HIM!

Amen sister!

Wow, that's such a wonderful story, a wonderful moment of true connection. Thank you for sharing. Cowgirl

I'm glad that you have this man in your life.......Keep talking, and keep learning...great job Roo...

Roo,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story! I have shared a few pieces of my story and my history of SI with my husband this past year and he has been very understanding and loving as well.

Your husband sounds very kind and he is lucky to have such a sharing and loving wife! Making CD's of love songs was a great idea!

Roo,

This story is so wonderful...I actually have tears in my eyes. Thank you for bringing hope to people like me who are still searching for a senstitive, understanding partner.

Thanks,
nic

Aww, Roo!! Isn't true love grand??!! What's best is that you are feeling the love, experiencing it, instead of walking through it. Yay!!!

Best,
Rachel

Ain't it funny how life can turn on a dime. Last night I could have thrown my husband into a dung heap for something that he said.

Long story short: yesterday afternoon I suddenly developed a high fever (102F) and other symptoms. By the time G. got home last night I was in bad shape. His first reaction was, "If your fever goes up by one more degree, I'm taking you to the hospital."

Between the fever onset and G.'s homecoming, I also received four pieces of heartbreaking news -- two being that my father has been diagnosed with early-stage emphysema (my mother died of the disease), and that my younger brother has three open ulcers in his stomach.

I told G. about these things while bawling like a baby (it takes something like this, usually, to get me to emote). Next thing I know, he's looking at me strangely and he asks,

"Are you sure this isn't psychosomatic?"

Whaaa...!?

"Did you hear about these things before or after you started feeling so ill?"

"AFTER."

The next few minutes are a blank because I thought I'd pommel him to a pulp. Had to get away. Talk about fever! I was steaming.

Another long story short: my mother tried to break my body and mind -- especially my mind. I've spent so much of my energy, time and intelligence just discerning what the F*** is real (Mom was in a state of alcoholic psychosis thorughout much of my childhood) and staying sane.

I figure that anyone who loosely uses the term "psychosomatic" has no understanding of what it really means. "Psyche" = "soul" and "Soma" = "body".

Most people think: "Psychosomatic" = "Yer fakin' it! Yer nuts!"

I don't think my husband has a clue about what he's done; what he's set off. I will begin a conversation with him tonight (last night, I just had to get away from him, I was so enraged -- but lucid in the rage. I was also floored by the emphysema diagnosis, and beside myself that my husband and I have so STUPIDLY continued to smoke. [I've gone about 24 hrs. now without a cig.] First thing he did, in fact, after our little altercation was to close himself off in our study and light up. More kindling for me!).

One of my flash-points is any perception of betrayal --> and after the beautiful dialogue of two evenings ago ("Dialogue" comes from the Greek --> if I recall correctly: "dia" + "logos" = shared/two + meaning --> "shared search for meaning")...man, I feel betrayed.

It'll pass. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a safe place (thanks for being there!).

My husband and I spoke again last night...I told him what I'd reacted to...he told me he intended no slight...we got through it.

Thank you all for your kind words

Roo