I do this, too! I have finally broken ties with my best friend of several years because I realized how critical she was of me and how much I took on that criticism. I'm tired of being called "too nice," "too forgiving," "a doormat," etc. I like that I am a kind and open person, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Ironically, I found by breaking from her that I am tougher than I thought!

I think the key for learning to trust other people is learning to consider and trust your instincts. Not all of them, but those that make logical sense and also feel right.

You are more than welcome Morgan
I am just so glad that what I wrote has been positive for you. I always feel that just by identifying what it is that we wish to change can be profound - taking back our power!

You go girl.

Spirit x

Yes Kers,
listening and trusting our instincts is very important, to a point! My instincts are usually based on protecting myself so I do not always make the right choices for myself.

I am no expert, I am just as most of us are, muddling our way through. However, letting go of a seven year friendship is a big loss.

I believe in the past I have dismissed comments & friendships from people who cared about me as I too viewed what they were saying as criticism-we can be defensive a lot of the time, eh! :-)
I have a theory concerning this. A lot of us are in a state of hypervigilance, so the body is in fight or flight mode, almost like a default setting. Therefore, I believe that we perceive the wolrd in quite a defensive manner, simply because we are always ready to fight/flight

Perhaps your friend believed that they were looking out for you? Perhaps, you took it as criticism because you feel under atttack, so when someone does provide you with an alternative or their view of a situation that challenges you and you perception of self, you are ready to fight?

I know this does not apply to everyone I just think it is a consideration that should be evaluated before making important life choices.

Sent with love, Spirit x

Bingo, Shoshin! As soon as I saw this thread's title I thought, "Critters and kids!" Our own "animal instincts" are the surest guide...as long as we can be in touch with them. Lately I've been hanging around a lot with my three cats -- sometimes just observing them silently while they go about being cats. They teach me so much...

Lately I am doing the most simple work -- one breath at a time. Breathing ... being aware of sensations, allowing myself to just experience them, and giving each one a name ... catching myself when I do something "autopilot" (like tear at the insides of my mouth with my teeth or hankering for a cigarette) and consciously stopping, taking a breath, and doing something else.

What is most basic...tends to be what is most wise and sure and clear (lucid).

Another way of saying it is "Listen to your gut." ... especially around the solar plexus. Apparently that area has the body's highest concentration of nerves, so it is highly receptive to stimuli. In fact, the entire gastrointestinal system is the body's most sensitive "barometer" because, overall, it has such a high concentration of nerves throughout.

One of my teachers gave me a tool: to imagine a stoplight in my solar plexus -- and whenever I needed to check in with my bodily intuition and sense of safety, he said, "See what colour the light is, and respond to that."

Fritz Perls (the creator of Gestalt therapy) insisted that "the body never lies." I agree. The "conscious" mind can bullshit from here to eternity, but our dear bodies...are jewels of immediate intelligence.

So much of post-trauma's healing work is in reawakening the body and all its marvelous sensory abilities.

"Dog sense" = beautiful! Thank you!

My friend moved back after being away for 10 years about maybe 9 to 12 months ago .
I think it hlpd made a shift ? in my thinking from where i was.
She say i don't trust anyone i am trying to understand this and be more specific ?and trying to find out the opposite of what i am doing to try and imagine what i don't have so that i can be more precise about what outcome i want .
i do hope this makes some sense.Has anyone found neuro linguistic programming or transactional analysis helpful at any times.
hoping all in hard times to find themself beyond belief - a place past what believing now .

I've been in and out of various therapies since I was 6, about 8 shrinks so far (hell ive lost count at this point).. some things help, others dont, and some just make it worse.

Thanks all, this place has a safe feeling about it and that helps because for most of my life ive been terribly reserved and its hurt me a lot.. im not starting to open up but its a process.

Veiled;

Don't beat yourself up for being reserved or protecting yourself. In time when you feel safe with the forum or a good therapist you will slowly share.

Your time will come. Even if right now it means only signing on to the forum and reading. That is still reaching out and trying to find answers.

Hang in there, you are doing something for you!

TLight, this is an excellent post. Once again, I am in awe that I am not alone and that I am not the alien on this planet, there are others like me. I think that in addition, because those of us who have no - or suppressed - character judgement, we shut down and refuse to meet new people, to some degree. That's probably why we never find each other outside of the internet. The internet is an interesting thing; we can tell strangers things we wouldn't tell our parents and sometimes not even our therapists - but here we are, baring all, and finding likeminded souls. I have found however, that this means of getting to know someone is not always a good substitution for a hands on, real time friendship. I have found this to be true over and over.

TLight, a word of caution using dogs to make a character judgement. Dogs often sense the feelings of their owners. If a person doesn't like someone, their dog will sense that and will give a negative review of the person its owner dislikes. I believe the same thing is true if the dogs owner isn't sure about a situation or person in which case the dog may appear guarded because of an unclear signal from the owner. Having said that, I did have one dog in my life that was an excellent judge of character. I learned to rely on her instincts more than my own.