Hello,
I have been reading tons and tons about PTSD for the past 6 weeks. My bf of 8 months, out of the blue, decided that he no longer wanted to be with me and has pushed me out of his life. He does not answer his phone and rarely answers emails. We were so close for those 8 months. He was so open, caring, loving, talked about a future together. We had both had previous marriages and obviously had baggage. We have 6 kids between us (me 2, him 4). I knew he had PTSD from being in the Army, he has been out since 2004. I really didn't know what PTSD was and I saw no symptoms during our 8 months together. One evening, on January 29 2008, I made a comment like I would like to be married again someday in my life. Apparently that comment freaked him out. He said he didn't know if he could ever be married again. A while later I said, how would you feel if I dated other people. I know, bad move, but I was just trying to get a dialogue going as he had alredy started to shut down. It seems like the PTSD attack suddenly came on and he retreated into his cave. He pushed away everyone who loves and cares about him. He told me he is not deserving of my love and I would have to prove to him that he is worthy of me. He said that he is good at pushing people away and that is just what he does best. He told me it would be best if I just moved on and forgot about him. Then I found he had posted a profile of himself on an online dating site. I confronted him aobut it and he had a severe panic attack ~ he thought he was going to die. He said that he wished he had. We have talked a handful of times and met for lunch once since we broke up. He says that he is a coward and cannot forgive himself for the way he treated me. Some of his symptoms are classic case. But I think that maybe he is also using his PTSD as an excuse or crutch so he doesn't have to face diffcult situations. I am a very open, loving, warm and genuine person. I truly do love this man and I know that he can handle his PTSD better than he has been.

Is there anything that I can say or do to get through to him??

Sisu

Welcome to the forum...

I am not a carer, but someone with PTSD. The advice I will give you is this. Please, please respect his wishes. He is asking for space, and calling and emailing him isn't helping him. It's just adding more pressure. Give him space, and allow him to reach out to you.....JMO!!!!!!

He may come around in time, if not, then it may be time for you to move on. PTSD is for life.......

Hi there Sisu and welcome to the forum

I can only give you a reflection of how I have behaved in my previous relationship, as someone who has been recently diagnosed with PTSD(which was with the first guy I have ever loved), as some guidelines.


Sometimes I would push away, but expect my partner to realise that I wanted him to fight for me, not to just walk away and leave me to my own devices. I guess testing the boundaries! However, sometimes I would actually need the time to decipher how I was feeling - I guess a mail or a text that just says 'hi I am here if you need me' would be enough to alleviate any anxiety over whether you are going to disappear on him?

I think you can only tell this guy how you really feel when and if he gives you the time to do that? I Love you, I am here for you, I will support you, but I will not be an emotional punch bag, you/he need to take responsibilty for yourself, I care about you, you get my drift? Being supportive but not allowing him to use his PTSD as an excuse for his behaviour. He has to own that however, he frstly needs to see these things, you can't do that for him.

PTSD is a hard battle with so many complex issues that affect the sufferer. However, I do not beleive that it means you cannot be loved or love, it just means that the realtionship maybe harder than most at times. You both have to be open and committed.

You need to ensure that you are strong for you, have good clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept!

There are some good clues on this forum as to how a sufferer feels and interprets thier world. Not everyone is the same but it may help you?

Shop around and see what you can find?

My thougts are with you!

Spiritx

Hi Sisu,

As someone with PTSD, and someone whose relationship has been affected by PTSD, I can see both sides. From his point of view, he probably needs space to try and deal with his issues. There were many times when I stepped back from a relationship in order to try and deal with the demons without involving a partner.

My wife has come to realize that there are times when I am best left alone, and that, in time, I will re-surface ready to deal with life again.

All you can do is let him know that you are there for him when he needs to be with you, or to talk.

It is common with PTSD to have commitment issues, PTSD often means not being able to see a future, and commitment is something in the future.

Take care.

Spirit X~
Your words are very comforting and are exactly what I needed to hear. I truly feel like he is testing me. I know that in his past everyone has always walked away from him when he was like this. He was married twice before. Both times he was on active duty for the marriages. I think that would be hard in itself to be away at war, then home again with a family, then off to war again. What an emotional rollercoaster. Anyway, I am trying to show him that I am there for him without being to intrusive. Some type of contact once a week or so. (either email, card, or voicemail) I am a very spiritual person which helps me a lot because I know that no matter what I am feeling, I am never alone.

My BF has never had a girlfriend (or wife for that matter) that has stuck by him in the hard times. I am of the belief that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I think that we all have our imperfections, some people can just hide theirs better than others. PTSD is not easily hidden at times.
When I asked him if he wants this to work (our relationship), he would nod his head yes. But then his words and actions would not show that he wanted it to work. He says that he would just ruin my life if I allowed our relatoinship to continue. I told him that it was not just his decision. And he said, although that was true he had to live with the decision too and just could not allow me to ruin my life with someone so messed up.

I am not naive. I do not think the road with him and PTSD would be easy. But I do think it could be very rewarding and fulfilling. It could be wonderful. And who knows....maybe someday there will be a cure for PTSD. We can all pray for that day.

I am supposed to see my BF tomorrow night. He is slightly protesting, but he is the one that originally offered Tuesday night to talk. Not sure if we actually will hook up, but I am hopeful. I miss him.

Any advice on our meeting tomorrow night would be helpful.

Thanks!

From my experience, emails help, brief ones saying that you are thinking about him, don't make them heavy or full of thought or feelings -- that will cause some stress. Just a short sentence or two. Phone calls will come when he makes a sign. Just let him know how you feel, but "don't lay down and die for him" so to speak.
He doesn't want you to know how he feels just yet. Something has triggered and he is going to feel like working it out on his own. He is going through a time of believing he can't love properly like you deserve. He is going through a self destructive phase and in time he will realise what he has done. He'll have to hit rock bottom though first, he probably sub-consciously knows this and doesn't want you aropund to witness it. I waited two years for my love (who suffers from PSTD) to realise who can help him see the way, that he doesn't have to do it alone. And now a year later, we are only beginning to scratch the surface of what happens when someone with PTSD starts to realise they are not completely crazy, just a little unwell as the song goes. There may be areas of your life you need to strengthen and protect yourself. Use this time, and you will work out your own way. It's painful letting go, but it's for the best, you can't control him, you'll never fix it for him, the best thing you can do for him and yourself is become emotionally fit and well. Don't pity him when he gets back in contact, just support him and be honest. You heed to let him understand how his actions affect you and those around him who love him. But note i said "let him" understand, don't try and make him understand, just allow him the space, respect and honesty to work it out himself.

Samsara
Thank you for your words. I think I could handle anything and allow him his space. The part that is breaking my heart is the fact he is trying to fill up that empty place inside himself with meaningless dates with other women. He is not whole, so it would never work. But he has a profile posted on an online dating site. I know how he did feel about me during our relationship and I can't imagine how those overwhelming feelings have changed. What is he doing? Why is he trolling for dates online?? Its so frustrating. Normally people break up because the relationship is bad or just does not work. People don't normally break up because they are in a mutually loving, supportive and caring relationship. I am trying to get into the head of someone with PTSD so I can try to understand how he is thinking. Because rational does not seem to be the word I would use.

Sisu

I guess what I am confused about most is why he could be normal for 8 months and then suddenly go into a downward spiral with all PTSD symptoms coming to the forefront. Panic attacks, anxiety, detachment, fear, depression, etc. I never once saw anything like that during our relationship prior to now. Does PTSD come and go? If so, how long do the cycles typically last?

Anything to enlighten me would help.

Sisu

Okay, my BF came over tonight to talk a bit. He stayed for 1 hour. We talked about his PTSD symptoms and he shared with me what he was feeling and seeing. He has a lot of paranoia ~ thinks people are following him. He was followed a lot while serving in Afghanistan. He was very very strange tonight...he would say things about himself like he is a big liar and no good and then laugh. He did say that he trusted me and he normally doesn't share the symptoms of his PTSD. I know that he does trust me. Then he said he loves me. The next sentence he says that I can do much better than him because he is no good and will soon be a total nut case. He says there is no hope for him. I told him that I will be there for him and he is currently just having clouded thoughts due to the PTSD and he won't always feel this way. He says right now he has to keep his wall of protection up and cannot let anyone in...even his kids. No one gets in. I am just going to give him some time and let him contact me. If I don't hear from him in a few weeks, then I will call or email. He says he is drinking a lot at home. Does not go out because he doesn't want to risk getting arrested for driving drunk. (at least that is a smart move). He says he is destined to walk alone because it is best for everyone. He cannot relate to people. He has been out of the Army since 2004 and holds a normal job in management. He functions at work fine. Apparently he crashes at home. When he left my house tonight he hugged and kissed me ~ then said see I am bad. Like doing that was leading me on or he was doing something wrong. AARRRGGGHHHH!!

I am just going to concentrate on me. I need to lose a few pounds and I want to start an excercise program. Organize my house and my two kids keep me busy. I am just going to move on for now and pray for my BF. He needs to find his own way for now. I have told him that I am there for him. I pray that he gets a bit better soon. He seems so detached from the world.


Sisu

One other comment he made that I forgot to add....he said that when he broke up with me at the end of January it was because he had an epiphany that told him that he was not good enough for me and that I deserved better. He said that he never had an epiphany before. He said he and his first wife just hated each other after a while (they got married after dating a couple of months~mostly long distance) and his 2nd wife was a just bitch (they knew each other for about 1 year before marrying but only went out together 10-12 times ~mostly phone dating). Both marriages occurred while he was on active duty....being deployed a lot. He was an officer of a spec ops team for the army that organized disaster mgmt.

I was actuallly the person he dated the longest without marrying and we were together for 8 months. He is 42 years old. I do not want to get married anytime soon as I was married once. We were fine dating, but he decided that I would make someone a good wife and that he was nothing but a liar and no good. I guess he needs to hit rock bottom and get the help he needs. I do have to say, that he does get help through the VA. I think that he could get better help than he does. He sees a counselor 4 times a year and takes medication. He was in an anger mgmt support group, but quit. He says he is going to join another one. He does not trust civilian docs. Only the VA.

Any advice?? The heart wants what the heart wants. I wish all of this stuff came out sooner...before I was so in love with him. It is hard for me to walk away from him when he is like this.

Sisu