I think you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with Sisu. It may have the desired response it may not. You just have to make sure you can live with whatever it is you decide to do.

Unfortunately what seems right and logical to you may not be the same for a PTSD suffer. I struggle to work it out and sometimes kick myself and think "if only" but then, I can't live my life walking on egg shells trying to keep someone else happy. They have a responsibility for their own happiness too.

As for other men saying you deserve better.... I say this to you....people tend to project themselves in situations so I am tempted to say these men actually feel inadequate in themselves and it has nothing to do with you. Something to think about? If a person doesn't think they are worthy of you they never will be while thinking that...that is their self confidence issue.

My thoughts are with you. I am reluctant to offer any advice and say to you that understanding PTSD can be pretty tough and sometimes it does really hurt.

Thank you Nicolette. I appreciate your words and kind response.

Loving someone with ptsd is hard and is painful. I think about that a lot! Would it be more painful to never see him again and not have him in my life? I can handle almost anything life throws at me because I truly believe that I am never alone. I believe in a higher power and I am very spiritual. The one thing that is soooooo hard is the shutting out. I am, by nature, a person who wants to help others. It is really hard for me to not be allowed to help. It makes me feel good to help. It doesn't deplete me, it fills me up. He is not allowing me to help (or anyone to help him for that matter).

I guess for now I will work on my letter, without sending it. Get my feelings out on paper and see where that goes. You are right though....whatever I decide I am going to have to live with. I just need to be really sure about my decision so I can live with it.

Thanks!
Sisu

Herein lies a problem in itself.....no matter how much you want to help someone, if they don't want to be helped there is nothing you can do. As the saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Take care Sisu.

Sisu, I understand that you want so badly to help your BF. I understand that you want to stop his drinking. You want him to get back to the courtship phase of your relationship, those early months which were so good (and courtship generally is the best, as a person doesn't let it all hang out during that phase).

You get a lot out of being a helper. And I know that right now you are getting nothing back from this relationship - you are shut out. He is not letting you help him. You are probably a very nurturing person by nature.

But if you have a history of dating men with issues - immaturity, etc., perhaps you need to step back and take a hard look at yourself. Do you seek men who have problems that you can help with? Do you seek men who have a need you can see for nurturing? for helping? Could this be your issue, in a sense, that you seek this as it fills a need in you?

You can't really help him. He has to help himself. All you can do is to be supportive. He has to be the one to decide to seek help, to make changes, etc. You might suggest that he needs help. You cannot control whether he decides to get some help.

Until your BF decides that he wants to get better, he won't, no matter what you do. You can offer to be there for him. You can offer your love, your support, your companionship. You will never control his drinking, nor convince him not to self-medicate. You will never pull him out of a depression, nor make him want someone to hold his hand when all he really wants is solitude.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.



Cowgirl

Thank you Cowgirl. I have really done a lot of soul searching on my own. After my divorce I waited 2 years ... until I felt whole again ... before I went out on my first date. I went out with lots of "frogs" until I found my prince ~ the ex-BF in question. I would have never guessed that my ex-BF would have this swift change in personality. He was so caring, attentive, loving, etc. I am very comfortable with the "post - honeymoon" stages. I actually think they are better...you are more comfortable with each other and it feels nice. I am not done figuring myself out yet....don't think I ever will be.....but I must say that I do think I am pretty groovy. I am not perfect, but who is? That would be too hard to maintain. And I don't want to be with anyone who is perfect. I like to laugh and I do that often (sometimes for no apparent reason...something funny just pops into my head).

But you are right, I am going to do some more soul searching to find if I am trying to fix these broken people. The hard thing about that question is....the people that wind up broken or later I find out they are broken....don't seem broken when we meet. Part of that "pretend to be who they want me to be" stage I guess. Maybe I need to be more intune with possible red flags....

More later.
Sisu

Sisu,

It's been a bit since I've posted, but felt compelled after reading your experience.

Please know that you're not alone. I'm so grateful to this forum for helping me connect the pieces to a really complicated puzzle between me and my ex. I second Samsara's advice for a 'final' email. I sent it to mine nearly three weeks ago. It was empowering, but extremely sad for me. "What if it really is goodbye?", I thought. I didn't want to give him any more reason to give up. Although, his actions had clearly shown he had given up, so I was just calling it what it was. I was taking back my pride and my dormat love. I gave him a brief synopsis of why I was doing it. I stress keeping it brief because the last thing they need is something overly complicated. I then told him what he needed to do. I told him he needed therapy. I told him he needed to learn to like himself, to like others, stop being angry, etc. It all sounds so basic. But, I said that it wasn't until he could learn these things that he could ever be in a healthy adult relationship. I sure he knows that, just like your ex does. But, sometimes they need that line of correlation drawn between their behavior and the conquences in their life. As has been pointed out, they do not easily perceieve just how they actions affect others.

I also stress the need for it to be final. I so badly wanted to add "for right now". But, those words in themselves will keep you in this tangled mess. Believe me, I know. He was such a toxic distraction for me, my grades in school went to pot and I was basically fired. The upside of my termination was that they knew that I have (controlled) clinical depression, so they offered me severence -- enough for me to move back South, where all my friends are! But, my point is this -- do not let him take any more from you than he already has. I was incredibly fortuante to find myself in a sitution with a kind employer. And the thing is, it becomes a slippery slope, and you don't even see where it's lead you until it's too late, and you're life starts to look as haphazzard as theirs.

I, too, have questioned why I am attracted to persons who are damaged, and have yet to figure it out. But, the first step is to start looking out for yourself. That is not selfish. It's necessary. Draw lines for yourself. Know what you will and will not put up with. Because, as much as you may truly love this man, his condition does not give him the right to treat you any less than you deserve!

Best of luck, Sisu!

You are so right blueyedgirl.....I am enabling his behavior because I so badly want him to feel better again. I am allowing him to ignore my calls, emails, cards, etc and yet I continue to try to tell him I am there for him. I am being a door-mat instead of a strong woman. I did send an email yesterday pointing out the fact that his communication style sucks and that if he and I were to even be friends that would have to change. I told him that I did not appreciate his lack of acknowledging my cards or calls. I didn't expect to hear from him, but I did. It took him 24 hours but he did thank me for the cards and calls. He also called himself a terrible person...which he is not. Why do they have such low self-esteem??

I am working on my letter. I will write and re-write to make sure that the words are exactly right and they are words that I can live with. And when I am ready...I will send it. I am not quite ready yet. Almost...

Thank you for your words. They were very helpful and insightful.
Sisu

Hi Sisu,

It wasn’t too long ago that I was where you are. Had a wonderful relationship of several months, knew about the PTSD but it didn’t seem to be a factor. Then some triggers happened and the downward spiral began right after the holidays. I Even got the same lecture of “you deserve more than this” and then contact ceased.

I know and have been exactly where you are - it eats you up every day wondering if you’ll hear, if maybe the next time you make contact there will be a response and everything will go back to where it was. If only….

All I can say is you have to take care of yourself first. Channel your energy into ways to help yourself. I found I was spending so much time trying to figure things out that I started to neglect my own well-being. I looked at ways to improve my life in the short term…losing some lbs, getting exercise, paying attention to things I neglected during the relationship. The hardest part was taking a good hard look at what I want in a relationship and how I want to be treated by someone I love. It isn’t an easy task, but you’ll find there are a lot of things that probably don’t mesh between what you’re looking for and how you're being treated right now.

It is so hard when emotions developed during a loving, caring time have to catch up with the reality of how things are now. You will have to consider, too, that in the end, maybe fate has dictated that he has come into your life, not to be the life partner of your dreams, but for a different reason - to teach you lessons for your life journey. Maybe to better prepare you so that in time you WILL find the person of your dreams.

Acknowledge that and thank him in your heart, but try not to keep dwelling on the PTSD and what you can do to cure it. Allow yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to see what a beautiful and good person you are in spite of what has happened to you. Take things one day at a time and slowly but surely you’ll get to a point where you can still wish the best for him, but not continue to linger on the bad times.

Do I have days when I fall back into thinking “What if?“ Absolutely! But as time passes, I find those times are fewer, and not as debilitating. My constant wondering is starting to be replaced, by thankfulness for the good times we had, but also with an understanding that PTSD has caused my relationship to change.

Work hard at getting back to living your life. Focus on your needs and this will set you on the road to help heal the hurt you feel right now.

Excellent advice Langdon. I couldn't have said it better myself.

You can't live his life for him, and if you don't balance out your energy and fight against your "wonderwoman" syndrome, your life as you know if will fall apart. It just will. And suddenly it will be you on the couch. Balance is power and health. But you have to keep working on it and this experience if you allow it, will make you more prepared with less heartache in the future.

I have realised how much I have grown and learnt this time round, the signs suddenly become luminous all over the walls. Difference this time is, I have knowledge and I know how to protect myself. I am not wonderwoman and nor do I want to be.

This forum is so great. It is so clear when I see the words that everyone else has written....most of the time because I have already thought them. I am trying to be superwoman like Samsara said....I am becoming obsessed by this. It is consuming me and if I don't quit obsessing I will lose myself. I cannot help him. He has to help himself. The past two days he has felt like he is having a heart attack. Hmmmm...could it be anxiety??? Maybe now that he is having uncomfortable physical symptoms he will get the help he so dearly needs.

I am going to try to distance myself from the situation for a while. Get my head cleared out and my thoughts in order. I can no longer beat my head against the wall.....if I continue, I will get brain damage.... ;)

Sisu