This is something that I have particularly noticed for quite some time. I guess I am acutely aware now, as I travel along the path of healing.

Intimacy

My ex
In reflection I can see that I would spend a lot of my time consumed with thoughts of doubt. Doubt over everything; is he being mean to me -'is this feeling about me', he says he loves me - 'I don't think he does', he says he would never hurt me - 'what if he does'? If we would have a disagreement it would take me a week at least to be able to see what was said, in perspecitve. Before this I would obsess over the smallest detail. Ask for his perspective then feel that he was manipulating me.

This confusion follows me around in life like an unwanted shadow!

I feel it in all areas of life! questioning myself, the other person, looking at the situation from all angles but never quite sure which is the best or more importantly, the 'rationale'!

The confusion tires me!

I understand (pretty sure) where it comes from, it would just be nice to see others perspectives and tools for helping themselves.

Spirit x

I think part of what you are describing is paranoia, and negative thinking. Common among us, and very frustrating.

For me, I had to try and stop the negative thought pattern, and for the paranoia, I used my gut feelings, instead of my thought pattern. This worked for me.

Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones, or try to change the thoughts so that they aren't negative. I know confusing to explain this.

It takes time, it takes a lot of work to do this, and it's something that I have to keep up, or the negative paranoid thoughts can and will creep in, when I am stressed out...

Hope this helps...

Something my friend Cynthia and I used to do when we were traveling together (both victims of abuse), is we'd schedule a 'meeting' every week (that way it wasn't happening constantly and we wouldn't annoy each other). There, we would talk about what things we were taking personally, if the other person really mean't it as a put down (etc.), talk about how the other's actions had somehow scared us or hurt us, etc. etc. We cleaned everything up.

Of course, sometimes you can't wait to the meeting, because you are carrying it around and then it causes sleep problems, etc. But, present it like; "So Honey, I just need to check in with you on this." or "When is a good time for us to chat about something I seem to be interpreting a certain way."

This lets the other person not get defensive right off the bat, or feel like you are just demanding too much assurance about piddly things.

I think the doubts are definately our defense mechanism, sometimes in overdrive. But don't ignore them......but do take a little time to ground yourself and try to get a better perspective on the situation, check your gut. If your defenses are running like crazy, your gut takes a second seat.

Might help?

Ha ha!
My ex would say this frequently, ' I just don't see the need for this micro-analysis, it just frustrates me' I can hear him now! He thought I was just getting concerned over things that did not matter, they were the difference between survial and extinction to me. Indeed irrational but his frustration just fuelled my fire - he did not get me!

I know it should not really be about getting me but empathy is so key with all of this, it alleviates so many stresses.

Thanks TLight

Spirit x

I think it is part of the condition to over analyze things people say, looking for the 'real' meaning. Is it part of a defense mechanism to always understand what is going on and be able to control the situation?