Ok, I seem to be struggling with the idea of transference and I was wondering how other people felt about it.

My question is......How do you know that the "feeling"/"emotion" that you are experiencing is for the actual moment at hand, and not a feeling carried over from something ingrained in you, from the trauma you experienced?

You find yourself attracted to the "same type of person" that was responsible for your initial trauma.

You have an adversion, to "all" types of one gender.

I understand that transference is innate, and there really isn't anything anyone can do to control it. But, when can you separate what you really feel from what you had felt when traumatized?

If you need further clarification, just let me know. I'll do the best I can.

nor

Oooooh, I am so guilty of this. At the time, I feel that I am justified in my anger. It usually takes several days for me to realize that I was not angry at what had happened, but was reacting to a trigger.

My last really bad relapse was last month. Something my Priest said during Mass; I ranted and carried on for several days. He called me and said that he really did not understand my reaction; I started crying. When he asked "Why are you crying?" I responded "I really don't know."

Of course, I apologized for the turmoil and he was very kind. He said "forget about me, you take good care of you. We need you." That made me feel better, but I am still confused as to why I was in such a rage.

The only way I know to distinguish a feeling which is only about the here and now from one which is feeding off of old feelings, is by the intensity. If the amount of emotion, once I am able to step back a bit, seems bigger than the thing which provoked it, then chances are that there is something else being triggered. Figuring out what is not always easy, or even possible. And no matter the impetus, new or old, the feeling is always very real and needs ot be respected as such.

An example: while I was living in a recovery home about a year ago, my primary counsellor, a tiny but very powerful woman twenty years my junior announced to all of us that she was pregnant. I sat and listened to all the other women in the room burble their congratulations and salutations. As soon as possible, without saying a word, I ran from the room. I spent the next couple of hours crying louder and harder and in a more uncnotrolled way than I have ever before or since experienced. Counsellors who had never seen me shed a tear were somewhat taken aback! Anyhow, I still have no clear idea what that was all about. But it is a classic example for me of a 'feeling bigger than a situation warrants" !

"And no matter the impetus, new or old, the feeling is always very real and needs to be respected as such."

That is what my T is trying to get across to me, but I just can't do it. I now categorize all the feelings as inappropriate, and unworthy of attention because they are probably related to something in my past. I want to separate the two, but am having an extremely difficult time doing it. Especially after researching "transference" online, and seeing just how much the concept is in everyday responses. I don't want the responses from my trauma to dictate my present day actions.

I literally fight the idea of my present emotions being triggered by my past, but the last few sessions have pointed directly to that being the case. And I don't want to give the old emotions the time of day. I want to be able to feel the here and now.

It is very frustrating. I like the idea of evaluating the intensity. That may be very helpful. Thanks

Hi, nor,

Transference...that's a loaded word...and I have to be honest: there have times when it has pissed me off! --> I had a therapist who liked to toss out the "T" word to negate something in our relating that had an edge to it. Whatever it was, I was just "transfering" and that ended any dialogue.

I think of "transference" more as the simple fact that almost everyone we meet or encounter reminds us of someone else. Often, this occurs out of conscious awareness. The process tends towards the positive or the negative...and we tend not to see others as who they are, but as who we project onto them. The more we become aware of what specifically reminds us of others, the more realistically we can see the persons in front of us. I have a co-worker, for example, who reminds me of my older sister...it started with me hearing how she was saying "Bye" on the phone. Set my teeth on edge! I have no relationship with my sister...There are days when I have to say silently to myself, "T. is not my sister...T. is not my sister..."

About separating what you feel now from what you felt during times of trauma...The question I ask myself is, "Is this a reaction or a response...and is it appropriate to this situation right now?"

Do you feel inside yourself like a child, or like an adult? That's another way to discern...

I hope these thoughts are helpful...

Best,

Roo

Thanks Roo, those kind words are also very helpful.

I interpret you as saying, a person has to just admit that we are shaped by our past experiences. We then need to realize that there will be times when you must trust yourself that you aren't reliving the moment of trauma. That the person you are dealing with is not the abusive one. You just need to let yourself know that initial feeling was right, but now this is the wrong placement for the same intense feeling. And repeating it over and over in your mind is a good place to start. I hope that over time it would ease itself.

Your T used a different approach than mine. Up to this past session, he would encourage me to elaborate about my feelings at the moment. I don't know if it would have been more beneficial, if he pointed out that my responses were inappropriate for the immediate topic. That they relate to something from my past. That is an interesting question. Which approach would help more. How did you feel when your T pointed that out to you, and the dialogue stopped. Did it help you to identify the difference between what was real for the moment, and what wasn't. It sounds like it might have-with your being able to identify that woman you work with, as not being your sister.

At the last session, I found myself stopping myself from saying things as I wasn't sure if they were legitimate for our conversation, or I was afraid of his abandonment. I was so worried about saying the wrong thing, that it cut our session a little shorter than usual-as I had to leave.

Unfortunately, it feels almost impossible to determine if the initial feeling is from the past or present. By the time I determine it, more than a few minutes will have passed, and my remaining mute (while figuring it out) could appear as something else. That is when it feels safer to just not extend myself out there.

nor, I am struggling with this, too. I seem to be drawn to people who are habitual users and abusers. After all, it's what I know.

This sounds very familiar to me. I actually just terminated therapy with someone because after 22 months, I could not get past these fears of inappropriateness and abandonment. In part these fears were based on ancient history, but also in part on my experience of this therapist herself. I think it is a great challenge to any therapist to wait out the time it can take to find the answer to even the simplest of questions sometimes. And from the inside it can be hard to notice the moment when I go from silently probing and processing to shutting down and spacing out.

I do have experience of other professionals managing to be helpful in situations like this. Just being quiet, checking in to see I am still present, even just saying 'take your time'. My ex-therapist had a habit of asking me to keep talking so she knew what was happening. I could understand where she was coming from, but even that much pressure sent me into compliant mode, which meant my own process ground to a halt. I did say this to her once, with much trepidation, but it does not seem to have stuck with her.

And that is the other side of the coin in therapy: finding the courage to name what is going on between me and the therapist. This is where the classical definition of transference comes into play. It is in part by working through stuck points with the therapist that one actually begins to work out the historical issues. In this relationship it is supposed to be safe to say and do things that were unsafe before. But this does mean taking some risks...and it is very scary work! And so it can also go with other safe persons we relate to in the here and now.

Another philosophy of all of this is that the people who provoke strong reactions in us are gifts to us as they provide us with the possibility to know, understand, accept and heal ourselves.

Another thought I have is that it is not necessarily important to figure out where a feeling is coming from in the moment that it shows up. I actually find it can be more fruitfull to wait until the intensity has passed and my ability to think and feel at the same time has returned. Often this can mean days. I will be out for a walk, with whatever it is on the back burner, but not lost from sight, and pieces will begin to fall into place. Knowing this allows me to lessen the pressure I put on myself.

You are so right! I continue to refuse to validate what is going on between my therapist and myself. Instead, I feel at times, that he is manipulating me to include him in all my experiences. Then, to probe me about what it is I feel. It is very scary. I usually shut down, become very apologetic for having included him in my tirade, and then watch the clock until it is time to go.

He tried to explain to me that the emotions I feel, that involve him, are totally appropriate for that moment. He has taken me to a place where I become upset and angry. Therefore I should be angry with him. It is ok. I find it ridiculous.

My husband and I saw a therapist a few years ago. I thoroughly enjoyed going, as the man was so intelligent and articulate, and seemed to understand what I was trying to say (until the last session-but that is another story). Anyway, I enjoyed listening to him. When I mentioned it to my woman therapist (at the time), she cynically replied that "he's not going to ask you out for lunch!". Oh my god! I felt absolutely terrible for having enjoyed the therapy sessions. I felt that I had crossed a terrible boundary and should have never felt that way. I can now see how I had looked about this older gentleman as a father figure. One I never had.

This therapist insists that the emotions were perfectly fine. They were normal and appropriate. I don't want to talk about my feelings with him because there are times when I enjoy our conversations as well (other than cut him down). And I feel that I am once again, behaving completely foolishly and crossing a terrible boundary. I'm embarrassed at my thoughts. Don't misunderstand me, I am not thinking about anything hurtful-but I am enjoying the company of a man who is not there for my pleasure. He says the emotions are normal responses. How can it be a "normal" response when there are times when I see my abuser sitting in front of me, rather than my doctor? Who am I enjoying the conversation with? It was at that point, I left.

Funny that you should mention how you just discontinued therapy. That is exactly what we have been discussing for the last couple of weeks. He just said that I am at a point where it is important not to stop coming-as we are starting to "take some risks". I don't like being completely honest with him. I don't like putting myself out there for ridicule. I know that he won't ridicule me, but that is what I feel I am risking.

Can someone briefly explain to me what "transference" means in this context? I think I can gather it from reading the thread but it would be helpful to me to have a more formal definition.

What I am able to gather here is that when someone is experiencing intense emotion from a trigger, it is because feelings from a past trauma are being transfered to the present, making the emotion a lot bigger than it would be had the trauma not occurred...