I'm sorry if this is long. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today, as he's been having such a spate of the nightmares and the seething anger / rage lately.

My guy goes back and forth. He is often so sweet, loving, thoughtful, protective and happy to share our life together. He has never shut me out in the way that some of you describe here, and for that I am thankful. If he shuts me out, it is in making the subject of the PTSD a taboo topic. But that is what he needs right now and so I am OK with that. Too, I'm deeply thankful that he is not into self-medication to cope with his PTSD. He is able to work and has a good, steady job, and for that I'm thankful.

But then he's seething with anger, and sometimes that bursts out into a rage at me. He feels safe to let go around me. Not to the point of violence, but just plain rage. Sometimes he rages at me because ... the Post Office is closed. The anger and the dreams seem to build in him together, too, so it seems like ... I saw Anthony's diagram of the full cup and that is my guy in a nutshell.

He is not currently getting treatment for his PTSD. He was in treatment some years ago, and that turned out very badly. He was put on anti-depressants which made his problems go from bad to extreme. He is now distrustful of treatment, and I don't blame him. I think those drugs can do more harm than good sometimes.

I see his pain, and I hurt for him. Too, I am often the one at whom the anger is directed, and that hurts also. He has never physically hurt me, but the anger and rage directed at me is hurtful nonetheless, even though I know, intellectually, that it is the PTSD, not anything I've done wrong. And afterwards (and sometimes DURING the rages) he feels absolutely horrible for what is happening. Oddly, he can apologize one moment and launch again into the rage the next.

He recognizes it is a huge problem. He recognizes that it isn't rational to rage at me because the Post Office is closed, etc. He has tried a variety of things on his own that haven't helped much.

I try to set boundaries. I leave when it is possible, to let him rage in private and to simmer down. This helps to a degree. Well, more than anything, I think it helps ME, to be honest. But that helps US, so I guess it helps him. If I'm not there to scream at, then he doesn't have to feel guilty later, either.

One thing he can't do on his own seems to be to confront that inner demon, the horror that he lived through. Because, of course, he is not really angry at me that the Post Office is closed. He is not really angry, even, at the Post Office. Rather, his cup is so full, that little frustrations make him explode. That is clear to me, but less so to him. He knows he is behaving irrationally, but he cannot "go there" and deal with that inner demon (at least that's how I'm seeing it right now - is that even remotely like what could be going on inside him???????).

I think he needs some help, in some form. But he is ... OK, I'll go there ... he's terrified of treatment, as his experience before was absolutely disastrous. I think the right sort of treatment could help him. Possibly some CBT or anger management. Maybe some sort of talk therapy, to get the demons OUT, so to speak, so he stops shoving them down deep and trying to make them go away by stuffing them out of mind. But maybe I'm wrong on that - it is possible I've read too much pop psychology in trying to understand what is going on.

I'm wondering how I can gently encourage him to get treatment. I don't nag. I simply won't go there!! And so I don't want to bring something like this up again and again. I mentioned it a couple of times over the course of the past year, and he responded once that therapy is useless and another time said he doesn't have time (which is not really true, but that is one way of brushing it aside). Does anyone here have any suggestions about effective NON-DRUG therapies? And if so, does anyone here have any suggestions about how to gently approach a PTSD sufferer, especially someone who has had a horrible experience with previous treatment, about giving one of them a try? Thanks!

Wow. I feel for you. I am still learning all that I can about ptsd. My guy and I began dating last May. Up until the end of January ~ he was open, wonderful, caring, etc. He is now in a spiral of depression, self hating, paranoia, flash backs, anger, etc. In my case he did shut me out and in the only way he can love me right now...protect me from his demons. But I am lucky in the respect that he recognizes his mental health decline and does get outside help. As far as encouraging him to seek help when he is afraid or against it...that is a tough one. Possibly look for a sign from him that you are catching him at a "good" moment or "good day" and bring up the topic. See how he responds. If he gets angry...try it again another day until he is receptive. I think sometimes they have to really hit bottom to recognize that they need help.

PTSD is an awful thing to witness, especially when you love the person with PTSD. I wish there was a magic pill or something that could make them normal again (whatever that is). Although I am not a sufferer of PTSD, I have my own issues. No one is perfect....but sometimes we can cover up our imperfections. The ptsd sufferer cannot when they are in crisis.

I will pray for you and ask you to do the same for me and my guy.

Sisu

Have you let him know you found this forum? To me it alwase seems the best first step is to find out your not alone and that so many others go through the same things you do. To talk to someone who also has PTSD and shares the same frustrations and anger and fears as you do. I would let him know you found this site online and try and get his curiosity to see what others are talking about regarding there own PTSD or something along that line.

Good Luck.. the first steps are alwase the hardest!

Man you are one tough lady! You love your man no matter what! I think it is a good idea to leave when he is in a rage, it gives you both space to step back and breathe. My therapist once told me, and looking back I agree, there comes a time when you just can't stuff it anymore or it will become a health problem (ulcers, migraines, etc...). His monsters will not go away unless he does talk about them which is the LAST thing he will want to do. I would look for a therapist (psychologist) who has experience with PTSD and will work WITH your husband with CBT. The most important part is to relieve his symptoms! The nightmares, misdirected anger, his loss of sleep. Ultimately the loss of sleep and his inability to climb out of this hole will lead to depression. I respect his terror of therapy and medications. The key is he needs to go into the process with the controls he needs. The promise of no medications unless he totally agrees (the psychologist can not prescribe meds) and possibly a limit of sessions agreed upon going in that he will committ to regardless of outcome and have the option of stopping or continuing at that point. It's a compromise - say he will go to 6 sessions and then if no harm in process or no affect on his work or home life he will continue - again his control. This will take doing some research on your part and possibly pre-interviewing the therapist by personally seeing him to assess his style and get the guarentee's for your husband up front. Then it is in his ball park. Your husband will never pursue it on his own nor look for the proper therapist for him. He'll probably do it to get it out of the way and off his back, but not for the relief because he probably doesn't believe it will ever help.

This is really tough! I can't think of any other way. There is also a PTSD workbook that you could purchase but unless being monitored by someone I'm afraid there could be too many triggers without support and all hell could break loose. Let him read these posts. It will only show how much you love him and are worried about him and trying to help him. You two can do this together but in order for him to benefit from your strength he is going to have to give a little. THIS IS A VERY HARD STEP FOR HIM!

I want to share with you an experience I had. My daughter lost her father suddenly when she was 16. They were close. All her anger at her loss was directed on me in rages. She was like a spewing volcano. I did not take this well since I have PTSD. I personallized everything and was destroyed for several years. We lost our relationship over the next two years and I had to kick her out of our home. She is now 22 and we have retrieved our relationship but I will never trust her again. Sometimes I walk on eggshells around her. I don't know if your husband is sensitive but if he is this may be even harder for him.

Keep in touch. May God be with you two. Good Luck with whatever you choose to do. .

Thank you Damiea and Cindy.

I will try to pick a good time to bring up PTSD again. I think the idea of first getting him to come and read this site is excellent. He has never hung out on any of the sites I do, so that in itself may be a big hurdle, especially once he hears that it relates to PTSD. If treatment is ever a possibility, it will have to come in baby steps. This place is a good, safe first step, I think, but it is a large one.

Cindy, thank you for sharing your experience. That must have been so difficult. It is good that you were able to salvage the relationship, even if not completely heal it yet. Yes, you are right. If he ever goes in for any treatment again, I think it will be one of the hardest things he ever does in this lifetime.

Thanks for the ideas! Cowgirl

Cowgirl, you have more stamina than I do. I agree this forum might be the best start for him. Let him see he isn't alone. I was really surprised that much of what I feel and things I do is common - and more importantly, that there are people who understand it.

The biggest healer I recieved in the past 15 years was the FACT that what I was experiencing was NORMAL for this disorder by reading and sharing from others with PTSD. It validated that I was doing the best I could under the circumstances. I felt I was spinning out of control and my body and mind were betraying me (much like the abusers I experienced). This itself in my mind made me and my thoughts another abuser and I was in a way triggering myself. I hope this makes sense.

Once I realized that it was this that was going on(syntax?), over and over again, I realized it was a true disorder, and while difficult it was survivable once I learned the strategies to manage the everyday and longterm effects. Man was that hard to accept and begin to take the steps in therapy and personally to begin that LONG and arduous journey(again and again). Even though it gave me a lot of Hope - at times it was overwhelming. The most discouraging aspect is I still lose sight of this often and have to reaffirm this piece over and over. A little frustrating . But I keep moving forward in spite of it.

This concept has been the most powerful for me. It does bring me back from the edge every time. Sometimes though, at each time I need a refresher course, it is a very risky time for myself and I don't even realize that is where I am again. It is a tedious and frustrating part of this disorder that can really anger me to the point of self harm and negative coping skills. This is a continous struggle for me and matters to my longterm survival with this disorder. It is a constant tug of war.

Identified immediately with the post office analogy - every time even the most basic of things (package turns up day late, cant open packaging etc..) the response is always 'why does this always happen to ME, no one else has these problems, just my luck, everyone has it in for me etc....
I used to try and find an answer or rationalise it to him but in the end i realised that no matter what i said the rage would build up and then normally subside once id managed to divert the conversation