It seems my latest bout of symptoms and meds have really affected my libido. I've talked to my doctor about this and we've tried several combinations of meds to try and fix the problem. My current anti-depressant is 150 mg of Effexor XL but my libido still lies dormant.

I'm not so much bothered by it since the anxiety and depression and simply trying to "maintain" lately take up most of my time. However, I feel bad for my husband. We've always had a good sex life and there are no issues between my husband and I (fighting etc..). He's been very understanding about it all but I still feel badly.

I was just wondering if anyone else has shared this same experience and how you handled it. It's been roughly 2 months since the last time he and I had sexual "relations" and I'm scared that he is going to get really frustrated and fed up with it soon even though he doesn't bring it up and hasn't gotten angry about it, in fact, we've talked about it and he has always been very understanding. This makes me think I'm being irrational about it but it's still a cause for concern for me.

Best,
Rachel

Hey Linasmom.

I am not currently in a realtionship but I was and I toally understand what you feel. I did not have a sex drive for 23 years!

I believe that the fact that you have spoken openly and communicated with your husband is really key in this. Your honesty won't allow him to feel insecure about the lack of intamcy. However, just because your sex drive is taking a temporary nose dive does not mean you can't be intimate?

Touching and caressing are good and can help you still feel physically connected. Washing your back in the bath, his back. A gentle foot massage. Touching him as you pass by him. You get it! Just ask for him to perhaps brush your hair or do something that is intimate without it leading to full blown intimacy.

If you are maintaining intmacy in these ways I am sure your fear over him getting fed up with you will fade. He loves you he is not just going to up and leave because you are not 100% in working order at the moment.

Best wishes.

Spirit x

I'm a sexual misfit.

I have a profile on several dating sites and they aren't anything I would want anyone's grandmother to see. I met a few who replied to me, gave my phone number to a few others, chatted online with several dozen and have said "Thanks, but no thanks" to most of the rest. I always send a reply, favorable or not.

It's my rules that determine what will or will not be. I think I am my own worst enemy. I don't want a boyfriend. I am not looking for a husband. I can feed myself and have my own collection of wine and spirits if I ever care to indulge. That means I am not looking to be wined and dined. All I want is sex without the frills. "Wham, bam, thankya kindly - there's the door - I'll call ya when I need ya." I have one man that meets my criteria but am looking for something else. He's not on the same page with me and his lack of understanding doesn't do much for me.

I want men to be on the same page. It's really quite simple - just looking for old fashioned sex. Specifically, that means, "no oral." That's a direct quote in all my profiles. In a couple, it is listed as a major turn off. Still, men who are looking for oral seem to think they are the exception to the rule. They want to know if I like it performed on me. I don't know how I can possibly be any more specific than "no oral."

And then there's the "rockets red glare" thing. I'm not interested in seeing fireworks and sounding like I'm pinned under a car. I want a man that doesn't think a thing about getting me "off." That's not the objective. As long as the man gets his, I'm good.

My mind wants to jump in the sack, my body wants to follow, but my fear won't allow it. The "no oral" is only part of the equation. My other rule is "bring a condom." I don't trust anyone, so I always have an assortment in my purse. That tends to turn men off and they say so. And to that, I say "Good-bye" In this one fractional part of my life, it's my way or the highway.

I have one. He's OK, but he's not perfect. I'm looking for a perfect fit.

Hi linasmom....this is something I have dealt with for years. I think you are VERY lucky to have such a caring and compassionate man. My first husband just took what he wanted....at the time i thought It was my "duty"so to speak and I beleive he thought the shaking was a good thing...he does not know how to read people at all ( I was very young and I beleive now that he has aspergers sydrome like my son but he never had the proper treatment. My second husband was very understanding and i even enjoyed intimacy and sexual relations for the first time, I didn't even know it could feel good, unfortunately he had an anger problem.....it was the sex that kept us together, go figure.

Then when i was in my last long term relationship that was when my PTSD was raging and I was falling apart and didn't know why until I received the proper treatment. With him.....he did not understand...not at all..he could not understand why I didn't want to be with him (and he wanted to be intimate 3 or more times per day.....not great for me at the time because that was when my flashbacks and nightmares were uncontrolled. He broke up with me saying " What do you want me to do wait until my dick falls off...sorry to be so blunt but those were his exact words.

Even when I tried to date last year...I had to force myself and talk myself into it like...this is normal, no one is going to hurt me I am in control. I tried really hard. He ended it with "you are not ready to date"...because I imagine it was hard for him to see me go into panick mode when he had done nothing wrong and did his best to make me feel comfortable.

I think I would like to find a man with a minimal sex drive but i don't think there are men out there like that. You are definately not alone in having such a low sex drive...I have none right now and therefore I beleive i will be alone for the rest of my days at least that is how it feels right now. Kind of makes me feel less than human and very broken. I am sure there are understanding men out there but I have yet to find one, Unfortunately lately picking anyone, man or woman just even for friends is proving to be just disaster after disaster. Sad but true. As you can tell i am having a bad poor me day.


You should consider yourself lucky your husband sounds like a keeper. I have read about the khama sutra (not sure if that is spelled right) but it is away to re-connect with your partner and it helps with communicating all the feelings your body is feeling. There is also a new drug...I think it is called levitra and it is kind of like viagra for women. I am not really researched this i have only heard about it...maybe this would help. Does your husband have a brother...haha. I wish you only the best and it sounds like you have great communication so I beleive this is something that you will be able to overcome, especially when there are two people willing to try. Take Care.





I am happy for you that your husband is understanding

Hi Rachel,

Unfortunatly its one of the common side effects of the effexor as I also discovered, and it's one of the reasons I'm not on anything. I'm sorry that it effects you to.Your husband sounds very understanding like mine.We went through years of sexual dysfunction because of the sexual abuse, but still managed to have 4 children!

the loss of libido was something i really struggled to accept - i tried to understand it was because of his ptsd and him just not interested
i'm only 34 ! - but when hes in a good mood we have lots of cuddles which is better than complete coldness
i dont think he will want to go onto medication - will have to wait and see what therapry brings.

the antidepressants I am on kill sex drives. I just tell jokes during sex. we have sex every weekend, and i have not had an orgasm in over ten years with my husband, but he's okay with that because he knows its the medication that causes low libido. it's okay with me too because i have no desire, so i am not craving anything. i just enjoy making him happy.

Hi Rachel -

What you're experiencing is not uncommon, I'm sure you know that at this point. I have an understanding spouse as well, but he's still a normal man who has normal desires, and I also feel guilty when the 'drive' is just not there for me. After 14 years of marriage, the one thing that's key is communication.
If you haven't already, talk. Ask him how he feels about it. Let HIM talk, and let him get things off his chest as it were. Be prepared to hear things that may 'sting'; but it's important as a couple to make sure he feels you're there for him too. Sometimes we get wrapped up in the PTSD thing and the 'healthy' partner may start to resent the syndrome (not you). If you are up to it, tell him you want him to share with you what it feels like for him, and then be prepared to just listen. Sometimes the intimacy issue isn't as much physical as we think. Then again, sometimes just taking a shower together and using lots of soap can work wonders too, it's what works for the both of you.
Good Luck...

Hi Rachel, Have you tried Wellbutrin? It is an anti-depressant that does not suppress the libido from what I have heard? It also helps control weight problems. When I first started taking it I lost 5 pounds and then I worked with it, because I didn't crave high fat foods and ended up losing 25 pounds. This medication doesn't work this way for every one but it does for a lot of people from what my doctor told me.

I have had no interest in sex for the majority of my life so I understand what your going through. I do it for the sake of my marriage and we use lubrication. It's unfortunate that it's this way but my husband is so nice about it and seems to understand. I'm reading some books on how to get my libido back. I think I repressed the urges for so long due to feeling uncomfortable in sexual situations that it is gone for ever.

Maybe you could ask your doctor about Wellbutrin or any other type of anti-depressant that does not affect your libido. This way you can get your sex life back the way it was and that would be one less worry for you.

Peace
Tammy

Linasmom:

I am on Effexor, also. My doctor said that if my libido goes down he can slightly raise the dosage and that usually makes a difference. I know that in a previous post, you had said they are raising your dosage. I'd be curious to see if that makes a difference.

It is very difficult for me to have an orgasm even when I am not on meds but so far I have not had a problem with Effexor, but like I said it takes major concentration and much time just for me to get to the point of orgasm.