I figure that most of you here have had wayyy more experience with therapists and doctors than I have. So I am wondering, how did you get started? How did you first make yourself walk out that door and into someone's office? And once you got that far how did you start talking about it?

One of the main reasons I am here is because I have been told by more than one person that I seem like I have PTSD and the more I read on it, the more it makes sense. So after 10 years of hating myself for not being able to get over certain things, resenting my parents for not helping me and not letting me talk about it, hiding everything, and occasional invasive bursts of anger I can't help I have decided that I am sick of struggling with it alone and I want to talk to someone about it.

I have a therapist I am seeing for some stress issues and I have tried to bring this up before but somehow I always manage to do it at the end of the session, start crying, can't even get the words out, and feel like an idiot. He gently starts asking questions that I figure are leading to me talking about things but I'd always just shut down the second he hit too close to home. I've grown up with the idea that one should never let themselves get emotional in front of people who are not immediate family so its EMBARRASSING!

Well today I have decided that I want to actually talk about it with him and start finding out what is really wrong, see if he can help me with it, and if not seeing if he can tell me HOW to go about finding someone who can help. Seems crazy after 10 dang years but I'm afraid I'll just sit there unable to speak, unable to say certain words, until I just give up. How do you get the words out?

Lucky,


I will tell you how I did it. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15. I am now 54. I have seen dozens of therapist, and shrinks. After my 7th suicide attempt, the shrink in the ward asked me if life was working for me???? I told him NO!!!!!!! He then suggested that I cut the shit, get with the program, and decide that instead of just being in therapy, that I actually work at getting healthier........

I did.... I took his advice, got a recommendation for a therapist, and worked my ass of for 2 1/2 yrs. Getting to that point was what it took for me.

You may be at that point now. It just takes guts to get out the first few minutes of opening up. At least it did for me. Once I started spilling my guts, I didn't want to stop.......

Hi Lucky,

Maybe this is weird, but I don't look at my therapist when I'm talking about my traumas. I try to pretend that I'm talking to the air, or having an internal conversation out loud. I know it sounds really weird but I do it because that is the only way I'll get it out. When I think about it, I must look like a complete freak to my therapist - I fidget the entire time, look away or put my head down, pull my jacket around my chest, I'm there telling him what I know I need to tell him but at the same time, I'm trying to get away by doing all of these external oddities.

It's very uncomfortable, and afterwards, I'm exhausted and barely able to drive home.

Good luck.

Best,
Rachel

Lucky...if you find yourself just touching on important issues at the end of therapy sessions (I did this sometimes), you might want to sit down and write out what matters...questions you want to ask...whatever arises. You can edit and re-edit...you can think things through and take your time...and then give what you've written to your therapist to read. You can use your own writings as a springboard to the work...

Roo

First off, whenever I start with someone new working on my head I have a panic attack. I feel so uncomfortable to put it mildly. I just started with a new psychiatrist and it took three meetings for me to breathe normal and not have a racing heart, oh and did I mention even thinking straight.

Some times it just takes some time and space to square away the safety and trust issue.

Now, about the - how do you share. Sometimes when I'm really struggling with something I will wait to the last second and say, oh by the way ... Well, it is kind of unfair, but I look at it as foreshadowing. It's on my mind, I'm not really ready to talk tonight but we can start here next time. I don't say that but it is the consequence. If I have had a week where I pile of stuff has come up, I OFTEN bring a list - two copies one for each of us. Then I don't lose my train of thought and it is kind of like a checklist. Together we prioritize the list so if we run out of time we've hit the biggies at least.

When I first remembered my childhood sexual abuse my therapist was on vacation - I saw his colleague - which was OK because it atleast helped me to understand all these PHYSICAL reactions to my thoughts. When my psychologist returned I tried the old game plan, beat around the bush a little, answer a few questions - the easy ones. When the hard ones came I said aren't we out of time? "Oh, your not leaving until you share with me what you remembered" SHIT - No where to go. I stayed I shared, it was like three sessions, but it was so important for both of us that we set the stage and the ground rules so to speak in order to get through it. I felt so much better when I left, lighter. It took me probably 8 to 10 months to remember and share all that happened.

When I shared I always hugged a pillow, never looked him in the eyes, sometimes I would lay across my lap and look at the rug. Often I would keep my feet off the floor so no one could get them from under the couch. On some occasions I would even have to look behind the couch to feel safe. To this day whenever I go to see him (T) or am out in public I sit with my back to the wall and facing the entrance to the room. It is the only way I can feel mostly safe.

So, Bring a list - dress comfortable - position yourself comfortable so you feel safe. Your therapist knows how difficult it is for you and should help you along the way - trust him/her. It's up to them to tell you to breathe, help you to ground yourself and pace yourself.

That's how I did it.

Cindy

Thanks so much for your suggestions everyone!

I like the idea of writing/listing things down and since my therapist is open to e-mail that would probably work well too. I also have the problem of not looking him in the eye and kind of just shrinking down into this blanket he has in the office when things get hard for me to talk about.

I did talk about things with my therapist last night. I'm not sure how I feel about it right now. The first thing is that he wouldn't offer any suggestions as to what is wrong with me. He told me a lot about PTSD after asking why I came up with that (apparently he's done some big paper on it) and asked if his description sounded like me. But we mostly talked about my symptoms and how he can help me with those.

For now, I think this is a good thing. It is less important for me to have a label for what's wrong than it is to GET BETTER. I think that is what he wants me to focus on too. He also seems to be of the position that diagnosing someone with something is a pretty serious thing not to be taken lightly. We shall see as time goes on.

He gave me some homework; to watch a movie called "Ordinary People" which is about a guy who suffers from PTSD after an accident. The movie chronicles his family being torn apart by it and then goes through all of the guy's therapy sessions. My therapist emphasized that part because he wants me to see what kind of therapy I might be looking at if I want to kick this thing and he wants me to have an idea of how intense or emotionally painful it might be.

So there it is... a start.

Good Job, Lucky Laser! Well done on having the courage to start the conversation with your T. Now it's just one foot in front of the other...
I concur with you on this one. It's a great attitude to have.

Take care, tude