Wow Roo.
All I can say is wow.....I cannot imagine what that must have been like, felt like, etc. I hope you find this place, this forum, helpful to your healing as it has been for me.

I can understand why people would lie...but I still do not like it. I myself cannot lie....I turn colors, dart my eyes and am a dead giveaway when I am lying. It doesn't work for me. I have tried before. Besides I am not a genius. You would have to be able to remember all of the lies that you told so you don't get caught in the web of lies.

Sisu

I don't lie but I hold back on a regular basis with relatives and friends. If asked how I am I may say, not so good but I'm still going.

That usually is all they want to hear. I have found they don't like to hear any details or if they do they give me useless advice or "you should ....". I consider it useless most the time because they don't understand either my limitations or the depth of the trigger for me. Heck, they don't even get what a trigger is. (nor do they seem to care).

So, instead of responding with the 'whole' truth, I limit my responses dependent on the ability of the listener to understand. I have very little tolerance with unacceptable advice. It infers that the listener doesn't know me or want to try to know me and that hurts.

Now if my therapist asks, I'm dead on exactly how I feel. But the rest of the world- I have to wonder if asked just for politeness or they really want to know.

When people ask me how I am.......Shit if I told them the truth...I would depress them too...LOL!!!!! I just kind of say, "Oh I am ok." In reality I am so frigging depressed that I want to just give up. But I kind of fake it through, put on a fake smile and go about with doing whatever.

I actually asked someone today how they manage to be happy all the time. She told me that if I opened myself up and looked around at things outside of myself, I would see all the miracles happening in the world. I replied, "I really hate optimistic people." Then we both had a chuckle and a good talk about depression and how to TRY to overcome it......

Sometimes I am not completely honest, but I think that is normal for most people. I have left work because of anxiety, but told my superviser that I was ill and needed to leave immediately. If I didn't leave immediately, the anxiety may escalate and cause an embarrassing situation.

Recently at work I was experiencing constant triggering to the point I had to take 8 days off or go in the hospital. At the time I was totally losing it, My therapist and psychiatrist offered to inform my employer about my PTSD or to talk with my primary physician and work up something with him for my employer.

Bottom line, it was clear if I told my employer my workplace would be forever changed with their knowledge of my disorder. The principal was a little mystified to my strong response to my classroom colleague and could not understand why I was having such difficulties (crying in his office three or four times, taking the time off, etc). I am well respected as a veteran teacher and can handle the most difficult classes. It was hard for them to get a handle on what was going on. They were missing the link that brought it all together. This guy was honestly a nightmare for the students and me. He was terminated after 6 months (it was his 15th job in 15 years).

Ultimately, I decided not to let the cat out of the bag. I got huge amounts of medication and toughed it out. If this monster was allowed to stay I don't think I could have made it through the year. I would be taking a medical leave. I definitely am dealing with retraumatization right now.

I think the worst lies are those we believe about our selves, our worth, our essential humanity; this is the worst betrayal: that we believe we are unworthy to exist, or to exist without mercy...I found this quote today and it gets at what I've been trying to express:

"The danger is not that the soul should doubt whether there is any bread, but that, by a lie, it should persuade itself that it is not hungry." (Simone Weil)

Survivors...have such hungry souls. May we all be nourished.

Roo

Sisu

Regarding the lies he tells you when you ask him to go somewhere. I can answer that one for you. I spent years coming up with good lies. It is not that he wants to lie to you. He is terrified to tell you the truth. How does a grown man explain to his girl friend that he is scared to go. He literally, physically, emotionally and mentally can not make himself go with you. It is a fear in him. A very deep seated fear--of what you ask---even he does not know the answer to that question.

I can tell you from experience that when I would be asked to go someplace, I would break out in a cold seat, I would start to tremble inside and actually get nausous.

I know that I don't have to lie about this anymore and yet it is still hard to say, sorry I can't. Reason-----you are going to ask why! Try giving him space. Ask, invite and then when he gives you his lie, just say Ok, and don't take it personally. Hopefully he wil get to the point where he will feel comfortable just saying Sorry, I can't.

But the reason we lie is the truth is to hard to explain. So by not asking why not you will help him so very much.

Herc,
You are right. As I stated in another post in here...I tend to try to fix the problems I see and the way to fix a problem in someone with ptsd is to allow them to fix it. I keep wanting to see him, so I can talk to him and help him. But because he is not "there" yet and cannot talk to me about it, it forces him to lie to me. He cannot bear the truth....the fact that he cannot be around me right now.

I have no doubt about his love for me, but that is not always enough. As much as I can give him unconditional love, if he cannot see and accept it for what it is, it doesn't matter. His "walls of protection" are high and thick right now.

I do tease him that I see cracks in "his walls" and he says he is going to go and repair his walls with cement immediatley. We can still laugh and joke about this even though it is painful on the heart.

Sisu

I don't lie, but I sure as heck omit...A LOT! I don't see that as lying, though. I think that sometimes I'm just not able/ready/comfortable telling someone something.

Well explained - I can't shake the same feeling, I am not coping. Its scarey as hell. I lie because I cannot be me, I have to be someone else - who I think I should seem to be if I am to be allowed to live. It sounds illogical when I write it down, but I feel as though utter strangers have the right to take away my life, and I would have no right to protest. Lying sometimes feels safer. And means that no-one can see the vulnerability I feel.