Well...I was starting to write about my back...that is causing more...I really think I would be handing it better without the back injury...in fact was two return two years ado and them bam....this back.


I am relearning to train my thoughts and living with the emotional spects,,,,I deal with fifromylgia and chronic pain, with IBS, vomiting, hyerpivigelence too....more of this is controlled with deap breathing and meditation. I would have my body back..it would help with my patience with my son with aspergers, I would say I am managing it but if I think i could some how... nurse and.eel again...it would help my self esteem.....I would be totally independant....I wouldn't doubt every thought that passed through my head, I wouldn't fear everyone especially men and not want to leave home either...glad to know I am no the only one.

I personally don't know who or what I would be or do if I didn't have PTSD. I have had it most of my life, so I don't know anything else.

What I would like......Would to have been a better person when I was younger, not as crazy and off kilter. I would have been a better mother without PTSD. I would have been kinder to myself and body.

I may have liked the outdoors more...Who knows????

I am also most comfortable alone at home, or alone deep in the wilderness. I never quite relax if there is even one person around. I am always keyed to meeting whatever needs / requirements they may have, even if it is just to converse with them. And when I do relax, I mostly just cry my heart out.

When I am in the forest, I know my place in the universe and everything makes sense. I know I am a part of everything I see hear smell feel. Cities are alienating at the best of times. Feeling alone in the midst of a world of people is crushing. Being alone with no one around is effortless, and feels natural to me. I enjoy my own company at least some of the time.

I am feeling like I am sliding away from even those I am most connected to at the moment. I don't even want to see my niece and nephew. It is an effort to communicate. Time to get my meds checked I guess.

I am 47. I don't actally believe my social deficits can be compensated for at this point. I just need to learn to get by. Sorry if some of this is off the point...

A life other that what I have always known remains quite unimaginable.

When I am having a normal day I like inside. However when I am PTSDing hard, I cannot stand to be inside. I have learned to sleep inside, I used to lay outside to sleep. No, I am not kidding.

Some of my worse nights, I survived by dragging my sleeping bag out onto the pool deck and curling up under the starry sky. I would at least get 1 or 2 hours of rest before the sun rose. Out under the sky you are free to run. Inside you can get trapped.

When I was a teen and even younger I self-medicated by disappearing into the woods for hours at a time, sometimes all day and even a couple times sleeping out...I grew up in the country, camping, river floating, hiking, so the outdoors have always been a refuge for me, unless there are people around--then my defenses are up and I am like a soldier on guard duty.

I no longer live in the country. When I am at home and cannot escape in my truck to camp or hike, I like to be holed up in my office, at least lately...and that's where I am now, in my fortress of solitude...

That breaks my heart because I feel the same way. I don't know about you, but I've always felt that I was supposed to be someone else, and instead I'm me - full of PTSD. Because all of my traumas happened during my childhood, I feel like I was never given a chance to become what it was that I was supposed to be or do in life. It really saddens me.

I understand feeling the many identities within ourselves. I also grieve for the person I once was before knowing she will never return the same. As someone said on here, something snapped or got broken, and will always be that way.

Accepting that and looking at what is left and making something up from there is a piece of the recovery. Determining who you are now and what you can do for yourself and others is now the question. What is it you really want for yourself? We all have to choose despite where we came from or what you carry within. Picking a job, lifestyle, living arrangements all reflect our needs of who we are today.

Exactly. That's the club I belong to. Exactly.

To even think about going into the woods myself or sleeping out at night by myself, I couldn't imagine. My stomach turned as I read some of these replies of doing such. That is the difference between us as individuals, some find comfort and some face fear of just the thought of it.
sunnydaze