Ok so some of you that have been here awhile know that my daughter and I had a horrible argument 5 yrs ago. We haven't spoken since. I apologized right after the fight, and offered therapy to solve issues, but she has never responded. She has also stopped me from ever seeing my grandchildren either. Next week is the youngest birthday, he will be 15. OMG!!!!

Anyway about a half hour ago my phone rang and when I said hello, the other person said "Hi Mom." It was a wrong number........I haven't been called mom in 5 yrs and it has triggered me so bad. I am crying, and want so much to see them. This is ripping my heart out. God how I wish I could go back and re-do my life and hers. How i wish i could change things. God this sucks.....


Sorry just needed to vent....

Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear that. My mom and I had major issues for a long time too. Now I live with her and if it wasn't for her I'd be dead or on the streets right now. I'm just trying to say don't lose hope. It's possible that it might get better. I sincerely hope it does. I really do.

Take care of yourself and cry all you need to. We are all here to listen.

Sometimes in order to mend a rift, one person has to be the brave one, the one to take a risk, the one to reach out and say "I love you." Perhaps you could take that wrong number and your reaction to it as a sign that you should contact your daughter and tell her that you love her. Perhaps she would not be open to mending the rift. If not, what have you lost? Nothing, as the relationship really can't get worse, right? But if she is open to mending the rift, then you may regain a daughter.

Or, perhaps you should call your grandkids.

Or, perhaps you should send a letter and card to your grandson.

Just a couple of thoughts for you to kick around.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

Hi Wendy,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad right now. I'm bad at advice, but I would let myself feel the sadness, and maybe when the time is right (not now!) call your daughter or write her a letter. You know that you can't go back and change anything, but you can change or at least make an effort to have the future be something different.

Thinking of you today.

Hugs,
Rachel

Hey Wendy,

I know there's no easy solution to this, but heck, I'm going to try to come up with some possibilities.

First off, I do think you should contact your daughter. I can tell you want to, and while it won't be easy, the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get.

What about writng down a conversation you would like to have with your daughter? Write it out a few times, and try to have one be the optimistic version, and the other, well, what you hope not to have happen. At least then you can prepare for all types of reactions, and if she doesn't react well, you can already have planned what to say.

Do you have her e-mail? Address? While I do think talking is the best way to handle this, if you're afraid of being shut out, perhaps a long letter that she can read and re-read will give her time to think things over a bit more.

I don't know what else to say...I really wish for the best. You can't change what happened the past between you, but just don't give up on having some sort of relationship in the future.

Best,
Nic

Thanks guys,


Anthony has actually suggested that i "Be the real adult" and contact my daughter. This is something I still struggle with. There are many reasons I haven't as of yet.

1) This is between myself and my daughter. But I have the type of family that tend to get involved. They are my abusers, and I have cut all contact. My daughter is involved with them very much. So the crap will start. I don't need it in my life.

2) We BOTH said some pretty horrid things to each other. I have apologized. She NEVER apologizes for anything. Is saying I'm sorry and meaning it such a hard thing to expect???? Yes I do expect and want an apology.

3) She TOLD me to NEVER contact her again, and I would NEVER see my grandkids. I am trying to respect her boundaries.

4) I DO NOT do rejection at all. I spiral out of control and become suicidal. I don't need anymore depression right now.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I suffer, she goes on with live. I just exist, she enjoys life, and what it has to offer. Yes I am angry with her too, for taking away my grandkids. She could have been pissed at me, but she destroyed a relationship and denied the boys their grandmother. It was very unfair of her to do this, and immature also. The kids did NOTHING to deserve having me out of their lives.

Ok, here's what I think. I think you should write her a letter...just saying how you feel..being the "adult" and taking full responsibility, (even if it was 50/50). In the letter, don't push the whole "let's get together" thing too much, and tell her that you do respect her boundaries. And, the tough thing: don't expect a response. I know this is difficult, but that way if a response comes, it will be a great way to start moving forward. If it doesn't, everything remains status quo.

Now this is JMO; I obviously don't know the whole background. But, I do know how much you love your daughter and those grandkids, so, just maybe taking the chance is worth it.

And...if it doesn't work out, that DOESN'T mean that it never will. Everyone struggles with their own issues, and it takes us all different amounts of time to heal. Maybe your daughter still isn't ready, but that doens't mean that there isn't hope for the future.

Oh She...I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't really have advice but as a daughter with a mother that will not try, will not acknowledge....I see your willingness and openness and it breaks my heart because I would give anything to have a mother like you. OK...you might have made mistakes but look at how much work you have put into your own healing and helping others......I would be proud to have you for a Mom........

I would write her a letter or email if you can find her address, give the power to her though and let her contact you back. I know that is hard, it would drive me crazy to wait. It doesn't mean you can't keep writing her though, just make sure when you write her, this is very important, don't use " you" only use "I" statements. Don't make this about her, if you forgive her for the shit she has said to you then start clean and say " I am sorry" plain and simple. Don't get into the problem, call it the past and you want to move forward with her and the kids in your life, no rehashing the past.

Just my opinion.

Monica

She Cat,

If the youngest is 15, is there one that is 18 or older? I don't think your daughter has a right to stop you from seeing anyone that she's not legally responsible for.

Perhaps you could write to your grandchildren, and still maintain the boundaries you need with your daughter.

I'm sorry about your situation, and I hope everything works out.