Emylou, I think the bottom line here is to take care of yourself and not let his PTSD be an excuse to make you bend to his every whim. I may not know what I'm talking about, but saying things like "see what stress does to me, see what you've done, you should know..." almost sounds abusive to me. You've done nothing but normal things and you seem terrified to even make a sound. You shouldn't have to creep around your own house. Having PTSD isn't an excuse to play the victim and in turn victimize everyone else around you.

If I was in your position I would push for him getting help and if he wouldn't I'd walk away until he did (yeah, I'm a meanie butt). But you've got to decide how much you're willing to put up with. Are you happy? Do you want things to change? Do you think he can work on himself too? Does he know the effect he has on you? I think that if he doesn't, he should.

I read somewhere once that someone who cares for someone with PTSD can almost feel like they have it themselves... always being on eggshells and whatnot, scared to set them off, etc... you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else, and don't take blame for things you haven't done wrong.

all of the responses have been so helpful so far - i went to our local library today and did some extra reading (albeit not much available) about ptsd
i have to say i now feel far more confident about talking to him when he comes back to `normality' (?) - im ready to discuss how much isnt my fault and that i understand far more now than i ever did
i have made him an appt to see our local nurse next week (hopefully he will agree to go) and then we can get an appt with the GP.
I hope i havent come across in my postings as being full of self pity - over the last few years between the 2 of us we havent been doing too badly with coping - and, much like manic depression i suppose, when hes ok life is great and i see the man i fell in love with.
He doesnt talk to me in specific details about the ptsd reasons (i only know the basics even after all this time) and thats why i think his standard answer is always `stress'.
I also think that, as ive alredy said, over the past couple of months he has reiniated contact with his sister (hadnt spoken for 15years) and found that she also had been diagnosed with ptsd - but the big issue is still with his parents and subsequent traumas.
thanks again sisters

Nah, you haven't come across as self pitying. Mainly just too hard on yourself, so give yourself some credit. You clearly are very dedicated to your partner and you have taken some great steps, even in coming here.

emylou i would just like to congratulate u on looking for help. I have found that looking for information and support online has really helped me... If nothing else, at least I feel like I'm doing something to help.

I would recommend that you go to counselling together. Maybe you could even speak to the counsellor by yourself, and find out what is acceptable or expected from your husband. Sometimes putting an objective person in between who truly understands this illness can help the two of you to share your point of view without him storming off, and maybe help him understand the pressures he is putting on you. Perhaps the psychologist could have some suggestions for encouraging your husband to get help.

I understand what it is like to feel that you have to do everything in the household. I am currently the housewife and the main breadwinner, and its certainly not easy. But my partner is always gracious and grateful, and tries hard to do what he can, and control his stress/anger about the things that I have just not been able to get to yet. For example, he enjoys cooking roasts (because they are simple!), so about once a week he cooks us a roast, which normally lasts us for 2 nights. Its just nice for me to have a small break from cooking.

Having said that, I get resentful when I'm cleaning and he is playing his computer (that is his stress relief). So I have decided that this week I am going to do the cleaning when he is not here. I must say though, this week has been quite hard as I am on holidays and trying to relax myself.

I didn't mean to write this much, but I hope it has helped. Well done for trying to do the best by yourself and your husband, you should be proud of your strength