You are welcome!
Glad I could help, Upstream :-)

Spirit x

Is wanting validation that what happened to you was wrong the same thing as wanting sympathy?

I used to have the desire to be rescued, but as I have gotten older I hate the loss of control over myself and my life that being rescued would cost me. I see sympathy as being a pitiable creature... I do not want to be pitied. At the same time there are some people that seem to think it is ok to treat me anyway they like, and sometimes I feel the need for validation that what I have been through was wrong and undeserved.

I suppose I wonder if this need for validation that what happened to me as being wrong is a search for pity. I know logically that it was wrong, and some of the behavior that is going on is still wrong...

This is kind of a scary post for first timers to read ... maybe i need to reread it. What I'm hearing is pretty much like I've heard every where else ... Get over it...no sympathy here... you should have done something about it.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, but I'd hate to think I'm entering an arena with more "get over it" thinking. If i could get over it, i would have already done that. I'm trying to get an understanding of this thing and wanting to konw whether ptsd might be an underlying cause of some other things that I must escape.

I hope that I'm wrong about this. The others replies seemed to agree, so maybe i've just got the first timers fear of being rejected.

See, I think it's helpful to offer, maybe not sympathy, but validation to newcomers. It might make them feel more comfortable about sharing their problems, which are not always easy to discuss when you read all of the posts by people who have been here forever and almost sound like professional therapists themselves. It's intimidating. On the other hand, I do see where just sympathy without constructive advice is a waste of bandwidth.

Hi Not,

Please don't let the advice of others intimidate you. I'm sure I've given good advice to people from time to time. But on the flip side, I'm not always able to take my own advice that I give out.

Things are not always as they seem!

Peace
Tammy

Thanks, Tammy. When it comes to accepting advice, I'll try to keep an open mind and try what I think will work.

I wonder about validation too. With trauma associated with abuse there is often a lot of forced denial and being told nothing ever happened and it's all in your head, and why are you reacting etc.... So saying yes, something bad did happen and it's normal to be upset can be pretty important.

My understanding of empathy is that it involves relating and sharing the feeling of the experience, where as sympathy is more uni-directional. In a place like this it seems that empathy would be the default as we've all been through something that would likely enable us to relate to the others.

Monkee,
I would say that validation is what we all need, but sympathy, as explained to me by Darling Husband, is the "Oh, poor me!" attitude. My husband gave me an example of a person who used to be friends with us, who constantly talked about how she was not thin enough (at 115 pounds), that she didn't have enough money to take her dying dog in for life-saving surgery (she had plenty of money), how she could not come to parties because she would have allergic reactions to the dust in that house, and how the world had let her down all her life. She never said one positive thing about any circumstance. When she got into a bad situation, she just complained about it, but did nothing to get herself out of that situation.

I used to tell my husband that she would have a tantrum on the floor, crap her pants, then whine about the mess and smell. She constantly wanted sympathy from everyone who would listen to her. She felt like she was waist deep in quicksand. Instead of trying to get herself out, she felt that she had no control over her life, waiting to drown, saying, "Woe is me." This is learned helplessness.

I am just getting to the point where I understand the difference between empathy, sympathy and validation. Until a few days ago, I used empathy and sympathy interchangeably, but this forum has stopped that.

Empathy is positive, and validation is positive, in my mind. I have to remember these definitions and examples so that I don't accidentally say the wrong thing, or get misinterpreted. The idea is that we do have control over our lives.

Hi Trent, far from the "get over it" attitude or approach here, quite the opposite.... just not the sympathy route though as an alternative. Empathy.... action.... not get over it or sympathetic approach.

I do not think that these words are interchangeable, they mean different things, but sympathy is not what people here seem to think it is. I am a real word person. Sympathy means

a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.
b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.
2. a. The act or power of sharing the feelings of another.
b. A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration. Often used in the plural. See Synonyms at pity.

3. Harmonious agreement; accord: He is in sympathy with their beliefs.
4. A feeling of loyalty; allegiance. Often used in the plural: His sympathies lie with his family.
5. Physiology A relation between parts or organs by which a disease or disorder in one induces an effect in the other.

Now one of those meanings does go along with the word pity, the rest do not. Empathy is just a stronger form of sympathy to me and according to the dictionary

em·pa·thy (http://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/ebreve.gifmhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/prime.gifphttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/schwa.gif-thhttp://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/emacr.gif)n.1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See Synonyms at pity.
2. The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.


I suppose what people really mean is that there are some that come here and they are having a pity party (I tend to isolate myself when I am in that mode, and I do not seek validation because my validation of those feelings is in my aloneness). There are people who come here seeking pity, not sympathy. There are people who want others to feel sorry for them, they do not seek to be understood, but seek to remain pitied... no one understands them, no one has ever had it as rough as them... yadda yadda yadda. I do not see that as seeking sympathy, according to the words as they are defined. That is not seeking understanding, commiseration, or affinity... if people were seeking those things, they would be seeking sympathy.

I know there are people posting here that have suffered terrible ordeals that make my story look like a cake walk, but I am to the point where I see the forest even though I am surrounded by trees. It is not what happened to me, it is how my brain responded to it that caused my situation, and as my son said... my brain coped the only way it could under the circumstances. I have to look at the content of what caused it, but the real trouble is how my brain processes stress. What is to pity about that? I am to be no more pitied than someone with cancer.

I have sight pity a time or two in my life, dreamed of rescue, but I do not think that is unique to those of us that have this condition... most people dream of rescue when we are unhappy, most of us have a pity party when we feel attacked or put upon. We are all just human after all.