Wow, you have some work to do, She Cat. You are wearing your pain like a badge of honor. In the grand sense of the term, NO ONE can truly understand where another is coming from. We each bring to relationships our own unique perspectives. Some people benefit from discussing these diverse perspectives in order to gain a broader perspective. Clearly, others do not. Those who don't need not read them.

I think if someone shuts out another for months at a time, it may well be that they don't want a relationship right now. I know that my DH went through a stage years ago where he retreated and drove everyone from his life. It took many, many months to re-emerge (over a year), and several more years before he sought out a relationship.

I was not a part of his life then. Had I been, he'd have pushed me far away too, I'm sure. Timing is everything in life. If someone retreats for many weeks, it may well be that they are into a stage of that sort. How long it will last is anyone's guess. It could end next week. It might end a few months from now. It might end in a year, or two.

I guess in a situation where one is completely shut out, one has to eventually let go. When is the big question, isn't it? If only we had crystal balls, to know how long it will be before a person is ready to be in a relationship, wouldn't it be lovely?

Cowgirl

Above all else, Sisu, I think that you are doing the right thing in your situation to ask the opinions of others to get a better idea what other folks would do in your shoes.

What I really enjoy about this forum is that everyone has an opinion, and it helps me to make decisions when I hear the views of others here. Many times in my life I can only see one way to solve a problem, and the people on this forum, and outside in real life, have opened up my mind to the various possibilities out there.

I think we will have to agree to disagree on that one. Perhaps they won't understand what it feels like to have PTSD. But they can understand some very important and helpful things and coming here shows that they want to do just that. It seems that at first, people tend to think that one could use PTSD as an excuse but if they are patient and learn more about it they will realize that it is not. But it takes some time to learn this. I think that as sufferers who are making a real effort to get better, we also need to have patience in a relationship.

I hear you on that one... that is a big thing for me. When I start getting stressed, I start becoming afraid that I will rage. More than once I've told my husband that "I feel like running away right now, I don't want to hurt you!" I know what I am capable of... at the same time, from what I've read here and from what he says to me, its clear that some of those who care for us don't want us to hide! So I struggle not to.

On the flip side, I think that as a sufferer, I might never truly understand what its like to be the one living with me and trying to help me through something they have never experienced. But I know it isn't easy either and I want to have as much patience as I can for that person too.

When I met my girlfriend, I was unaware of her PTSD. We had a couple great dates and we fell in love. She hadn't dated in a long while because she was very picky, and she didn't want to be with someone who wasn't sincere about a relationship. Then she took a chance and she met me.

After a couple weeks she began to feel ill, tired and a little moody. Since I was unaware of her PTSD, or it's impact on either of us, I didn't know what to think. Then she had a break down and I didn't hear from her for two days and I thought to myself, "great...another woman who comes on strong and then changes her mind about me". It's happened all too often, and I was very hurt because I really felt like she was 'the one'.

I sent her a couple emails asking how she was, because email and phone were the only way to contact her and she wasn't returning my calls. Finally I sent one telling her that I worry about people I care about if they don't show up when they're supposed to or if they don't return my calls. I thought for sure that she didn't want to see me anymore, and my email wasn't mean or nasty, just telling her how she was making me feel. In her heart she wasn't ending it with me, so it hurt her to some extent. In my heart, which was breaking, I didn't know what I did to make her not return my calls or emails.

Finally we talked and she told me how she felt about my emails and told me that I had to believe in my heart that she had fallen for me, and that she was just going through a tough time. When we talked I learned a little more about her and she told me about her PTSD and some things she's gone through. Of course, I felt horrible, but also explained to her that when I get close to someone, like her, she is my family and that she needs to believe in her heart that I'm not going to leave her because of her bouts.

She promised to try not to shut me out ... and that was when I realized that what she was doing was called "shutting me out", and I understood it a little more. We've had a couple other issues come up, and we try to talk them out, but I've learned that sometimes if I just clam up instead of debating with her, she begins to realize that just maybe she was a little harsh with what she said or how she said it, and she apologizes to me the next time we talk. It's not that I want her to feel guilty, or that I want her to think she's wrong, but we both accept that she has these bouts and instead of perpetuating her frustrations I try to be understanding.

To me, and I don't speak from any sort of knowledge base or higher level of experience, if you're being shut out for weeks or months at a time then ther sufferer is clearly not ready for a relationship, and it's not fair to the carer to have to go for that long of a time without contact with someone they care deeply about. Hell, I couldn't handle two days, and I surely wouldn't be able to handle two weeks, let alone two months.

The difference with her and I is that we both want the whole white picket fence scenario, and most importantly, with each other. I am learning to hang up my fears of her leaving me at the drop of a hat, and she's learning to hang up her fears of me leaving her because she has PTSD and is working through it. I constantly remind her that I love her, and that I'm here for her no matter what.

She did send me an email once asking me if I'm ready for a relationship with her and all her "issues" (there are a couple others, but I don't want to elaborate). She told me that she would fully understand if I wasn't interested in pursuing the relationship, she said she would be upset, but would understand. When I told her that I was in love with her, and wanted to be with her, she thanked me.

It hasn't been perfect, and there are times when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's all very new to me and I'm trying my hardest to understand, and it's all new to her to have a guy who isn't after one thing (even though she does accuse me of having a one track mind!)

I think we'll be okay, and she knows that I'll be here for her ... through thick and thin, good or bad. Like I said, it's been a struggle, but it's getting better as I learn more about how to handle it. Hopefully she will get better about it too as she learns more about me. I have my own problems, and she helps me with them...so it works for us both. She takes care of me too.

Unbroken, your post almost made me cry because you are so sweet!

My husband and I are learning these exact same things. There have been times that I have felt so toxic to my husband that I would be at my parents' house and not return his calls for nearly a day (which is a long time for us). But he keeps leaving me messages that he loves me and wants to talk to me. Now I know that he has been afraid of losing me when I do things like that but I think he is learning that I love him so much I could never imagine life without him. And I am learning that running away isn't going to protect him from me as much as it hurts him. Its just so hard when I get to feeling like that!

Again, told my husband the same thing, and he chose to stay with me. It makes me so happy and hopeful to see that there are other couples who are working through this and making it work.

I totally agree with the post by 2quilt. It is nice to get a variety of opinions to this. Since I do not have ptsd and it is all new to me, I am just trying to soak up as much as I can. Learn, understand, empathize, etc. I will (hopefully) never know what it actually feels like to have ptsd. But with as much knowledge about it as I can get, I feel like I will be ready and strong if I am with the ex again or if I meet someone else in that situation.

Anyway, as you know I ended it with my boyfriend. I know he has lots of work to do on himself before he is ready for me. He knows that too and hopefully is working on himself. I did feel like if I didn't totally end things I was allowing my love to be a "safe landing" and he would never seek out the help he needs. Meds alone is not the answer. He was diagnosed 4 years ago and has not done much else besides meds. It is so hard to step back and watch someone you love struggle like that. But in the end, it is something that they have to face. I allowed the *shut out* for a long time (9 weeks).
At some point I have to repect myself and move forward in my own life.

We had 8 beautiful months.....the best I have ever had with a man. I love him dearly and always will. I feel like he is the missing piece to my puzzle...he is a part of me. But, now is not the time for us. Maybe someday.

Sisu

I have wondered why doctors ever "treat" PTSD with only drugs. My DH had a very disastrous experience with such "treatment." I am sure the drugs must help some people, or why would doctors prescribe them so extensively? But it seems to me that drugs alone cannot solve the problem, only maybe make some of the worst symptoms more bearable. I fully understand DH's distrust of the medical establishment after his one go-round with it on treating this. Hopefully one day he'll get brave and seek some non-drug therapy. Well, he has begun to open to it, only I'm still not sure about it. *gulp*

I hope your ex-BF finds treatment that helps him also, whether in conjunction with the drug therapy or independent of it. It can be a long and winding road, seeking what we need in this life!

As to the future for you, Sisu, who knows what it will bring? You are growing and learning through this whole experience, and whatever the future may bring you, you will be wiser for having lived and learned from this experience. Your attitude looking forward is great, and you'll come out on the other side of this beautifully, no matter what the future holds.



Cowgirl

How can anyone ever understand if you don't tell us Wendy? I feel you are currently directing your rage at my posts even though they are not about you. I have never professed to understand PTSD but Sufferers can help Carers by trying to explain some things to help us understand.

My point all along has been if a Sufferer communicated what was going on then as a Carer you have a point of some understanding. Just disappearing and saying nothing for weeks on end is not that.

Sisu I hope your boyfriend does do the work on himself that he needs and I wish you love again in your life Well done however for respecting your needs too.