Logged on this morning to find a thread started by our leader. The more I read, the more insulted I became. Why you ask? Well, let me enlighten you.

Sympathy was his issue. It is also mine! What in the hell is so wrong with giving someone a little sympathy. A little can go a long way in helping someone deal with issues "other" than their PTSD.

We do after all have a section where we can talk about anything we want. The title says we can "Chat-General".

I went through hard times late last year. To know that the people in this forum actually cared about me and the pain I was going through was a huge help to me. I did not feel so terribly alone.

The problems I had were not earth shaking, but they were,just the same, problems. The ability to share a bad day of "Oh, why me" once in a while helps whether Anthony thinks so or not.

To know that someone out there cares, well, it matters. To receive an occassional "I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you" means you are still part of the world!

While this disertation on sympathy from Anthony was not personally meant for me, I feel insulted! Not guilty Not ashamed Not upset Not angry but "Insulted" yes.

The direction his opinion took was a negative one and IMHO unnecessary to be discussed at all. If he has an issue with a particular person who is in a place of seeking extreme sympathy then PM that person and handle it privately.

We are all adults here and SHOULD be able to act and react in an appropriate manner. I don't think showing a little sympathy to someone in pain is inappropriate.

I respect Anthony's right to his opinion, therefore; he should respect mine. Anyone else want to chime in on this?

Well-stated, Grama-Herc!

I fully agree that we need to indulge in sympathy sometimes. Its impossible to be positive or empowered 100% of the time. Sometimes there's nothing better than a big ol' "DA**! THAT SUCKS!" :p

I could be mistaken but I think (at least from looking at his subsequent posts in that thread) he was just trying to say not to let it get out of control as a "trend" kind of thing to where it sets us (and new members) all up for going backwards or getting the wrong idea about what this forum is for?

I think empathy and sympathy are being confused here. Empathy is fine and I think that is what Anthony stated and I haven't noticed either of you seeking sympathy, but empathy.

If you want sympathy I think he said it is OK once in awhile but if it's ongoing then one stays stuck and doesn't move forward in their healing.

Personally, I think sympathy-seeking keeps me in "victim mode" I refuse to be there. Empathy is understanding me and giving advice and that helps me move forward.

My 2 cents
Tammy

Herc,


We all want sympathy at times. Shit I am guilty of this too. It just doesn't work in the long run. The effect that you get from the sympathy only last for awhile, and then you are looking for more. What happens is that you get your fix from this feeling and need more and more. You never heal. You just get needier and needier.

Some people can't get out of that rut, and they just become emotional leaches. They stay a victim as Tammy put it.

Empathy is saying that you care about their situation, but you give advice, or offer a way for them to move forward. JMO!!!!

I just want to add as well..that empathy also means simply listening and being present- sympathy (at least to me) is when you start pandering to a person in order to give them a false sense of hope.

I think you got your answers Herc... Tammy said is best to what I would say. Thanks Tammy.... big big difference between sympathy and empathy, and the outcome for PTSD is significant between them. As Tammy stated, if you read the thread entirely you will find exactly what Tammy eluded, in that the sympathy has a time and place, that is not daily and not every time a person has something to pity. Empathy is the best choice to be given, not sympathy. Sympathy has a limited scope in life period, not just with PTSD. The problem with PTSD though is that people fall into a depressive state and they want encouragement to remain in that state, which is what sympathy does. Empathy does not achieve that, instead it helps bring a person out of the depressive state and into action for themselves.

Your opinion is valid, I do not disagree, but maybe you might want to go back and read that thread in its entirety and not pick out one small line or two, but instead piece everything together in its entirety to then be judged.

I am not saying for people to not want sympathy, but I can say I will not tolerate it being done here in abundance. If people want to make themselves worse, their choice, but I get to choose whether I allow it to go on here. I will moderate a person every time for excessive actions because it does no sufferer any good for such exposure. There are a myriad of PTSD forums that allow all that crap, and as adults people are free to visit those other forums and garnish all the sympathy they want, just not here is the rule.

Well I interpreted it as more how we respond to each other. As in don't just give sympathy, challenge the person. A bit like your thread Herc about why don't you talk to your therapist - it was a great thread.

So an example "I can't tell my therapist anything, I'm too scared"

Imagine if everyone came back with;

"Oh Awakening that sucks that your feeling scared"
"Poor Awakening, she's having a hard time"
"Awakening I'm so sorry you can't tell your therapist anything"

I mean those comments would feel supportive but not really help me to change. And it's not that I may have been manipulatively seeking sympathy or those responding deliberately giving it - more like a pattern.

And there are forums which are just like that - back and forth of - 'you poor thing, do you need some hugs?' etc.

I think in the example above you don't have to swing the other extreme, you could post something like.

"Awakening, I'm sorry you are struggling right now. But which is it really - Is it you 'can't' tell your therapist or you 'won't' tell your therapist.".

"Awakening, I know fear is a big factor of PTSD, but you are never going to heal if you don't start facing your fears. What exactly is this fear about, what is the worst that can happen by telling your therapist?"

"Awakening, I too use to find this difficult. But you need to push past your fear. How I overcame this fear was; telling my therapist I had something to tell her but was scared; writing it down & handing it over etc"

Anyway that's my interpretation.

Awakening.... have some reputation love for such a well written and stated post. I think that just made us all a little smarter to be perfectly honest.

I will throw my 2 cents in here - I believe there is a well-deserved place for sympathy, yes, sympathy, as well as empathy in each of our lives filled with PTSD hell. As with every emotion, vice, habit, etc., things done in excess are usually detrimental but I will not believe that offering sympathy to someone in pain is hurtful to them and encouraging them to remain a victim. They are a victim and as such, deserve understanding and compassion (sympathy) from those who are strong enough to offer such at the time.

As Nic spoke of, I am very, very hesitant to express pain and problems on here as I never know when the result will be an attack at my motives for posting of such a problem because I am "looking for sympathy".

Yeah, Anthony - you have every right to run this forum as you see fit because it is your forum as you keep reminding us, but that does not mean you are right. The continual "kick-in-the-ass" mentality is detrimental to many in my opinion. Although the symptoms of PTSD are pretty uniform, the solutions are not because we as people are very unique and some traumas can be very unique. What may be the end-all solution for one, may not work for another and that does not mean that one doesn't want or isn't trying to get better. Sympathy and empathy have a very healing place in my life - may not be healing to another but it brings healing to me and who is anyone to say it doesn't if they aren't involved in my life, therapy, and treatment?