No. I cannot "pardon" my perps behavior. There is never an excuse for abuse. I can never say what he did was fine. Even if he was mentally ill and a druggy, he was an adult and should have sought help. That was his responsibility and I will not let him off the hook for that.

I am just trying to cease to feel anger and resentment towards him to help myself. It is actually a selfish act of forgiveness. Not good-will towards the perp, but good-will towards myself so I feel better.

Yes, I do agree this can be a huge aspect of it. It's an excellent question we should all ask ourselves.

However, we do not need to accept or forgive anything to change this whole rescue fantasy. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere near forgiveness, and have barely accepted most of what has happened, yet I have gone from wanted to be saved to saving myself.

Personally I think accepting will be easier than forgiving, in the long run. Hehe, but I've been wrong before.

Anyways we have all steered terribly far off course here, we were talking about the rescue fantasy.. shall we return there... *nudge nudge*

bec

I'd love it if someone would come along and rescue me but I don't expect for that to happen. I wouldn't mind if my higher power rescued me and that I do expect to happen and it generally does. It's a great fantasy to consciously indulge in at times but I think that it's important to stay grounded in reality and do my footwork, expecting my own efforts to yield the desired results.

That is great that you have saved yourself Bec. I am also not saying that you need to change the rescue fantasy either as I am sure a lot of women grew up with the "Snow White" or "Cinderalla" idea. My heart would melt if a knight in shining armour turned up on his white horse to rescue me . If only!

What I was trying to say was if you wanted to stop being "rescued" well then you would need to work out why it was you felt you wanted to be "rescued" in the first instance.

Just quickly and a little off topic but relevant - by acceptance I mean believing what happened to you, that it was real, and by not trying to put it out of your mind trying to think it did not happen. I would never suggest that an abuser should be forgiven for their sake, I mean finding forgiveness in your heart so you can let go of it for yourself. Unfortunately some abusers would not have given those they have abused a second thought and have no idea or consideration for the pain they have inflicted on your life. Forgiveness to allow your self to move on past something can be very lifting. Eg My mum didn't do the right thing by me when I was young but I have come to the acceptance over the years that she did not know any better. I forgive her for not knowing any better; I still do not believe what she did was right. It does not take away the hurt and baggage which came out of the situation however I no longer invest my energy in her and instead I am trying to "fix" what damage had been done as best as possible. I guess in Bec's terms, that is saving myself !

Perhaps, perhaps not. I know I didn't need to know at first, it did come with time however....

LOL, that was what I was referring to about acceptance. Some things still are not real to me. As if it was someone else's story or a dream.. anything but part of my reality. Or simply avoid avoid avoid... I agree it is relevant.

*sighs* Have I mentioned how much these thread highlight how much more work I have to do?

bec

When I was experiencing my abuse I struggled with wanting to be rescued and what was I doing wrong. As many of you have stated, I was silent - so how could the rescue even take place?

The phantasy of a rescue I held onto for a while in therapy but soon let go of it. All the abuse had happened and nothing was going to change that. My new favorite saying is "It is what it is.". It is the past, and now it will never happen again because I will get out of the situation as fast as my feet will carry me.

The forgiveness thing, I can't get my thoughts through this one. I absolutely can not, at this time, forgive the people who abused me. They were cruel manipulative people. I don't feel I need to forgive myself because I don't believe at the time I knew what was happening or how to deal with it. Now I have radar to recognize mal treatment and if it ever happens again, I understand the piece about forgiving myself for letting it happen again.

Just my two cents.

I have an unhealthy need to be a rescuer and sometimes I act on it. I never realized it could be hurtful to the other person though. I am currently working on this in therapy but have yet to overcome it. I thought I only wanted to help but I am learning more and more everyday. This forum has been very good for me. I just hope my rescuing hasn't caused anyone any harm.