whitewillow312
Good for you, I hope you like them. It is important when you do and feel comfortable with them also. This way you can feel at ease to tell them what you need to tell them to progress.
sunnydaze

I'm hoping it is okay for me to post my answers here, and that I'm not dominating, because I think this is quite long. If it needs to be moved to my trauma diary then that of course is fine.

I really appreciate all those who have responded, it's been interesting reading.

For the life of me I can't do multi-quotes so I've bolded the questions posed to me.

How long have you been in therapy for?
Initially, I was referred to a fertility counsellor because of a disorder I have.

The disorder is also known to cause depression. I saw her for around ten months.

We of course focused mainly on fertility, self esteem, the disorder & the subsequent miscarriage I had.

However, amongst these discussions we discussed the sexual assault at 18.

She asked me to see a trauma therapist. I didn’t want to but said I would consider in the future.

Two months after finishing with her a stressful event took place. I have not discussed this stressful event on here mainly for legal purposes and for fear of being judged. It was not a trauma, although it was incredibly stressful. I may consider discussing it in PTSD if that is safe or PM. I’m not sure about that yet.

Basically due to this stressful even I then had a "breakdown" and went to my current therapist. This was two years ago in May.

So this is my long way of saying I have been seeing my current therapist for two years.

What have you accomplished in that time? Have you made any changes in your trauma or symptoms?
During this time mostly I’ve achieved awareness. Awareness of the truth of my childhood & relationship (as opposed to everything in my life is perfect).

I’ve become aware of my thought patterns & the defences I employ. I’ve also become aware of some of my positive attributes. I’ve started being honest with myself & my therapist.

I’ve become aware that despite my protests that I’m fine, I’m actually in a lot of pain. I’m not denying the existence of my symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety etc).

I’ve identified my maladaptive coping mechanisms and swapping them with positive ones with moderate success. Still got a way to go but have stopped SI and reduced alcohol intake.

I have written out in full the details of the sexual assault at 18.

I’ve written down one ‘scene’ from the suspected sa as a child.

Why are you avoiding a therapy where you know what is going on, what the goal is, and how long you expect to be doing it for?
Strangely it’s never occurred to me to ask or have expectations. I have simply submitted myself over to her, trusting that she is the expert. I have only recently recognised that I don’t assert myself or ask for my needs to be met. We are working on this.

What benefit are you getting from avoiding this type of therapy?
I don’t have to feel the bad feeling.

Is treading water good enough for you?
No, not anymore

What's stopping you?
Fear. Fear of the bad feeling. The bad feeling exists in my nightmares and flashbacks. So whilst I feel bad anyway because of symptoms, because I’m depressed, because I’m anxious – well all of that is still a better then the ‘bad feeling’ I get in my dreams and flashbacks. I believe this is the bad feeling I had when it was happening.

What's a fortnight? Is that in metric?
Oh my gosh, I had no idea they didn’t have a fortnight in America. Are you pulling my leg? That’s like not having a ‘month’. Yes a fortnight is two weeks.

Thanks for breaking up the intensity of this thread!

It reminds me of when I was on tour in Europe and the majority on tour were American. We pulled over to a ‘roadhouse’ to get some lunch. I came out to go to the toilet and bumped into a couple of American girls from the tour and warned them ‘that there is a really big queue in there’. Well they were just baffled. When I came back in they were looking up and down and asked me “Where is the big Q?”. I was equally confused and said “You are standing in the queue?!” It was then that I learnt that "queue" equals "line" in US speak.

Have you addressed this feeling (feeling like a fraud) in counseling? Found ways to combat it? This is a form of conditioning we learn from secondary wounding. Just get over it.
No I haven’t, I kind of didn’t realise I felt that way until I posted. But I realise now it’s a big deal to me and probably a big hurdle that’s been stopping me, so I will discuss this feeling with my therapist.

What memory do you have?
Memory is the wrong word. I always get hung up on it because it feels nothing like all the other memories I have. I feel that when I say "I remember x" I'm not being truthful because I don't remember. It's not memories that pop into my head - it's just stuff. So I have to clarify and say what are the thoughts I have about my uncle. And they are; (God I hate this)

-him exposing himself
-me touching him
-sitting on his lap
-flirting with him
-my uncle & aunt fighting about me
-blanket over my head
-the back garden behind the bushes
-keeping a secret at a family picnic

THE END.

I see my counsellor once every week. Ay the moment i would like it to be everyday.

I feel that I am in a very fortunate position. My G.P referred me to my therapist, Consultant Counselling Psychologist. She is fantastic! I respect her and have a great rapport with her.

I see her once a week. We spoke about therapy and the structure that they use. They initally provide sixteen weeks of intergrative psychotherapy. She has spoke about this and wanted me to be sure that I was ready. I told her that I am not in therapy just to be heard. I am here for bloody hard work. She was pleased as she said we are not in the habit of giving people therapy on a on going basis - you can sometimes achieve in three weeks what you can achieve in 3 years with the right therapist and the right client attitude.

I do not want to be in therapy for years I want to learn what I need to learn and live a peaceful life. I am ready to kick ass and face whatever I have too! Bring it! ;-)

I have already had CBT - for six months.

Spirit x