Hello - I have PTSD resulting from an auto accident almost 4.5 years ago resulting in the drowning death of my 10 month old twin babies and my own near drowning. Just today somebody suggested that there might be a place online where I could talk to somebody else who might understand even some small part of what my life has become - and I thought it was worth a shot. I found this site. Just after my accident I had found a grief site but did not find that helpful at the time.

I see a counselor once a week for this but have gotten progressively worse. Just writing about this I am feeling quite nauseous. There are so many facets to this - I'm sure for each of us - but too many to put down here without writing a book. I am not on any medication currently since while they had some positive effects their were also some negative - which was the reason I had to stop taking them. I couldn't cry while on meds and felt like I would explode from not being able to express myself. My sleep is and has been horrible from the beginning, issues from just poor sleep to nightmares and waking flashbacks. I don't function very well at all on a daily basis and have great issues with traveling anywhere - taking days to recover from drives that are longer than the usual trip to the store or unusually stressful. I also lost my job as a result of this which has greatly impacted my ability to pay bills etc. I used to be smart (computer analyst) but am feeling pretty stupid these days.

Is there anything anyone can recommend to help with any of the issues PTSDs have? (I have them all) I prefer natural remedies but am open to medical and some other options with a few exceptions.

Thanks much

While I can not begin to comprehend your feelings or grief, I do know what it's like when you need to go out into the world and just can't.

I don't know if you have put a word or label on this feeling yet, but I have. It is a lovely word and took me forever to learn how to spell it. "Agoraphobia". Or simply put "Fear".

As I got worse, I also lost my job. But I was very blessed, I worked for my doctor and help was right there for me.

Shopping is a nightmare,and going anywhere is way to hard. Crowds are simply
unbearable and life in general is difficult to manage.

But, with the help of my meds and therapy I am doing much better these days.

The most important lesson I learned from my T. was that I was going to have
set backs and attacks would still happen. All I needed to do was learn "how" to
ride out the attacks and realize that I was not going to die from them.

Life, for me, without my meds is not an option. It is just to dangerous for me when I don't take them. I have discovered that the side effects can be managed, at least for me, by taking them every night before I got to bed. That seems to keep my med level at a point where I can still function and have a life. I just sleep through the hard parts.

Our traumas are different but we are not! Any time you need an ear there is always some one on line willing to listen and hopefully help in some small way.

Because------------------------------------We know how you feel!

graebrahm,
What a terrible thing to go through. My heart goes out to you. Your doc would be the best one to recommend meds. I tried going off mine for 2 years and was getting worse with symptoms. I just started back on a pretty new one "Cymbalta". It has helped.
sunnydaze

Hey graebrahm I feel for you and your horrible loss. You are headed in the right direction seeking help to talk about your issues. Just know that many of us here suffer from horrible happenings in our lives and with that we can help one another. Dont rule out meds, counceling, and support groups. It takes alot to live a "normal" life after events that turn your world upside down. Just know that we care.
Kel

Just remember, while your symptoms are getting worse you are draining out the poison smoldering inside you. When it all gets into the open you can process it and put it on the shelf. Not that at times you won't take it back off the shelf to look at it again but the pain won't be so intense.

Once everything is put on the shelf things will begin to get better, never gone, but in a better perspective that you can handle. It's a journey with a lot of painful emotions. It takes a lot of courage and persistence. Pace yourself and recognize the small accomplishments along the way.

We all are here to help.

Gram, I too have great difficulty going out, shopping or otherwise. I don't know if it is in part due to the large amount of publicity my accident got but I do know that going places I went with the babies is still so hard - we went everywhere together, the only time I wasn't with them was the hours I was at work. I live rural so there aren't a lot of different places to go. It is also because of the driving thing. Lately my 3 year old - who we are very open with and is very smart - she knows about her sister and brother and a bit of what happened - will ask if daddy can drive because she doesn't want to go in the river. We didn't specifically tell her about my accident but she has heard so much and senses my fears. When she learned to talk she would say to me "mommy, don't fall down" when we were in the car going to the store. I didn't know why she said it until one day while driving near a river she said "mommy, don't fall down in the ocean" and pointed to the water. So smart - she put together what bits she heard us talking about and somehow knows my incredible fear. We have since had to explain things to her so she doesn't grow her own fears.

I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss meds again. I have to try something, can't go on like this. My husband had tried cymbalta and it helped him a lot - so thanks for the suggestion sunny.

Cindy, your description of the shelf is very poignant. I have always needed to have order in my life - organization, I'm talking my living and working space. Although things were not always in perfect order, if things started to get messy around me from day to day I'd have to stop and put things back in there place. Straighten my desk, cupboards or whatever. Since my accident, my surroundings are in complete chaos which has made it so hard to function. It's like I don't know where to start in putting things away - just too overwhelmed. I keep thinking if I can just get the house back in order it might help - such a parallel - something to think/talk about.

Thank you ALL for your caring and support.

My condolences on the loss of your precious little ones. Terrible thing to lose children, and in such a manner. Besides our son Brian last year - wife and I lost a baby son back in the 70s - stillborn. Difficult, not knowing how they would have turned out. At least, that is the worst for me, aside from the guilt of course. Still wonder about my son, he would be 32 now I believe. Take care. Jim.

grae braum,
I can't get your story out of my mind. What a tragic loss. I lost 2 babies back in the 70's from miscarriage. My 1st one was a boy and I held him in my hands for awhile. I still dream of him and think of him, he would have been about 36 years old. I could not even comprehend what your loss could be like. Life just doesn't seem fair when there are so many people who do not want their children than things like this happen to you who, I'm sure loved uncondionally.
My ears are here for you if you feel like talking.
sunnydaze

Thank you sunny - I just don't know where to start in my life. I have been trying for 4.5 years to figure out how to take my next step or my next breath. My little girl (3)keeps me going - she is wonderful. It is still hard to look at her when I think about what the twins (girl/boy - Grae & Brahm) would be like now that they would be 5. I couldn't save them as hard as I tried and I keep imagining what they were thinking in the midst of all that horror in the river. I was right next to them in that car in the water - screaming or something - they knew I was there but I didn't fix it like I did everything else for them in their short 10 months. Not only did they die but they died knowing mommy didn't help them - I hope they know I tried with my life and was going with them if I wasn't sucked out. If they weren't in car seats they would have been sucked out too but I probably would have lost them anyway in that raging river.

Mine is a circumstance that (thankfully) most people can't relate to, but because of that so many friends - close friends - just avoid us because they don't know how to act or what to say. It gets pretty lonely. I was hoping maybe somebody from Katrina or other tragedy would be out there talking.

I'm not thrilled about meds and try to do as much naturally as I can - but I have had a tough year - my hubby was diagnosed with cancer in January, so I am going to the doctor next week to talk about starting an anti-depressant again - maybe one that doesn't stop me from crying like the other. I only found one ever that helped me much but I couldn't cry when I needed to - couldn't even well up a little - no release and that was bad. My husband tried cymbalta - they say it has an uplifting effect - but I tend to be a hyper person normally and wonder if that would be bad for me - will talk to my doc next week.

May God put his hands upon your heavy heart and your Husband.